How do 'I' cope with a daughter who is super anxious

[MaiseD]

Anyone having to cope with an adult daughter (25) at home whose anxiety 'spoils' every family outing/activity. Have tried all the supportive, self empowering, nurturing talk and actions; the tank is empty as been dealing with this for over 10 years and she acknowledges she does have a problem now (a break through) but she won't seek help and I have nothing left. My heart is broken for and by her on a daily basis. Trying to save my own mental health at this point. Anyone who thinks I'm not totally evil can you share advise please?

That sounds really hard.

It's okay to tell her that you have nothing left in the tank and that you cannot give her what she needs. Perhaps tell her you will help her find a counsellor, then step back.

Does she go out or is she in the house all the time? Does she work?

You need a counsellor for you. I had one for 2 years whilst DD was at her worst.

Also, if she won't try to help herself, why should you have to suffer?
Why won't she see someone?

Echo to get support for yourself, prioritise your self care, model how to live.

There is a diffence between being emotionally available, caring and nurturing, and becoming an emotional dumping ground.

She is able to put on a performance for others; you would never guess she was anxious/depressed. She is intelligent, kind and very naturally beautiful (which for her is another issue as she hates the attention this brings). She has just started a new job and was very isolated before that so I know this will help for sure but she isn't dealing with her demons just ignoring them. The problem is I can feel the mood change with her mood - and so know when she is 'struggling'.
I do think I will reach out myself and get some support for me. I have given her the number of a self referral counselling service but she says the stigma is stopping her and she won't; she'll be fine' she can deal with it herself but 10 years later she isn't. Thank you for your kind words of support.

I joined a choir in September which has been doing me the world of good.
I have ring fenced it. Nothing overrides it. If DD is too anxious for college on choir day then I still go and she has to cope.

Similar here- DS 21 anxious since age 9. Much worse now with various other serious mental health issues. Not worked or studied for 2 years.

You need to accept you cannot fix her. It's not within your abilities and it's not your responsibility. When you truly accept that, it's very liberating. You can still support her and encourage her to seek help.

Try and get into the habit of validating her feelings- "that sounds very difficult/ painful" rather than trying to fix. Listen and show her you've listened by reflecting back what she has said, instead of offering solutions.

You need to resource yourself-
look after yourself physically (be fit and healthy and do things you enjoy) and emotionally (professional support/ counselling) and then you can be more receptive to your daughter.

It's shit for them but it's shit for us too.

If your DD had a physical illness or injury, and refused to seek medical care, would you continue sympathising and never put your foot down and insist she get medical attention? I might be mean/uncaring/not getting it, but I would be insisting on treatment. As a condition of living at home, if necessary.

<disclaimer: sister of a woman with serious mental health problems including addiction who is sick of 'well, she doesn't want to acknowledge the problem, what can we do?' as The Answer>