DD self harm due to previous bullying experiences

[jambutterscone]

Hi,
I'm a very worried parent who doesn't know currently who to turn to and so, wanted to seek out this opportunity to ask fellow mumnetters on how to deal with this situation.

DD has had a few traumatic / bullying experiences in primary school when she was wrongly accused of stealing and the school provided no support, after which we changed her school. Then, at the end of year 6 she was a victim of cyber bullying by her 'best friend'. We tried to support her at the time and contacted the police and everything, and we thought it was over. However, after that, DD has become very self-secluded and isolated. She doesn't sit with the family. Has a very foul mouth. Acts really rude. And recently has been self-harming with superficial scars on her hands. This is absolutely horrifying to me, and I've been having sleepless nights just worrying about what she's going to do next and how much she's suffering. Thankfully, I've noticed the unexplained scars soon after and so I sat her down and we talked about other ways to release emotion, but I'm not sure if she's going to take my advice on board, and I don't know how else to do. She told me she also sometimes has thoughts of seeking revenge from her bullies because they broke her trust as they were her bf's. Then, she also has sometimes thoughts that she's a waste of space and shouldn't be here. She is so little and only 11 years of age, and I have no idea how to effectively support her so that she can come to terms with whatever has happened and move forward.

Any help is much appreciated!!

So sorry to hear your DD has been through so much. We had similar issues with DD at a slightly older age. Keeping the communication channels open is key but also keeping some boundaries (pick your battles). And be really open to your DD about how much you love her and that you'll always act in her best interests even if she doesn't think it at the time.

In terms of support for your DD does the school offer counselling or mental health support?

We ended up arranging for a private counsellor for DD as it was during Covid - she wasn't perfect and DD did not really bond with her, but she was able to at least give DD space to talk about things - and encourage her to share some of how she was feeling with us.

If it's any help we got through it all and DD who is now nearly 18 is now a lovely girl who is heading off to University in September. She still bears the trauma which comes out in a real inability to trust anyone and she acknowledges that future counselling will probably help, but she needs to be the one to decide who and when.

DD's school has a pastoral team but I'm not sure how good they are. Also, currently DD feels quite comfortable talking to me when I constantly prompt / ask her which I'm very grateful for and she wouldn't like her school to know. I also want to make sure I don't make it a big deal to her so that she doesn't get even more anxious because of my anxiety.

I was wondering if there are private counsellors who work together with the child and parent, as that I think would work much better for DD.

Thanks for your support, and I hope your daughter reaches great heights!

Have a look at Young Minds website
www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/find-help/
There's lots of advice for parents, as a starting point.
I have 2 self harmers. It's very distressing for a parent ( and child obvs).

My dd admitted to self harming when she was 17, but had been doing it for a few years. I obviously felt guilty for not spotting it earlier.

We were with Bupa at the time so I went to their list of approved drs, psychiatrists etc.

She had just started uni so I was able to find someone in her area. She first saw someone who was qualified to prescribe medication then she referred Dd to a counsellor. Doing it privately I was able to get it sorted within 2/3 weeks and it really really helped my Dd.

Our bupa cover stopped (job change) but I carried on paying. I decided my DD’s mental health was the most important thing and if it meant no summer holiday or extras it was worth it. I don’t know how your finances are.

I tell you this because although you will have to pay, the bupa website is a good starting point to find the professionals you need.

As your Dd is so much younger I don’t know if medication is suitable. Best of luck. When you children are hurting its the worst pain for a parent.

Sorry to hear this. Do you mind asking what they do/ages/how long they have been doing it for?

I ask because my 17 year DS has self harmed (through scratching) for a few months and I'm bedside myself. Feel very alone.

@springontheway It's not a happy tale... Maybe needs a Trigger Warning*Elder DS is 20. Has self harmed since age of 14. Has serious mental health issues- on lots of heavy duty meds to, amongst other things, keep psychotic episodes at bay. He self harms maybe once a month these days -when dissociated-but it can be very deliberate- letters numbers symbols patterns cut into his arms, legs and body.
Younger Ds is 15 and after years of living with the distress of his older brother at home, has become anxious and depressed himself, and self harms , maybe once a week, cutting his upper arms. This has been happening for about 3 months. Turned down by CAMHS.
They both claim it is a source of relief for them but I try and suggest that there are better coping strategies...
It's all a bit grim. I feel shocked and sick every time but try not to show it. Apparently that's supposed to be more helpful to them than seeing their mum distraught.

Sorry to hear this. Have they had CBT therapy? Luckily my ds is accessing sessions through private health care, CAMHs turned him down as well.