Is this normal teenager behaviour or anxiety?

[tam409]

My DD15 is really struggling at the moment. She keeps says she is stressed but not about anything in particular. She seems panicky and anxious to me. She can't concentrate on any homework (she normally gets A/A* in all her work). She can't cope with basic tasks like getting ready for bed, it's like her brain shuts down and she feels overwhelmed even when she doesn't have much to do. So it takes her forever to get ready for bed and then she's really tired all the time. She's always had tantrums/violent outbursts but they are really bad at the moment so we are walking on eggshells the whole time. She doesn't want to go to school and says in lessons she feels really stressed by other people's elbows touching hers at the table so she can't do any work. She doesn't want to see friends outside school either (she's not very sociable but has one close friend and two others that she used to hang out with)

It's all got much worse since a mock exam before xmas although she has always been a bit like this. She's not being bullied or anything like that (We've talked and she is quite open with me so I am pretty sure would tell me).

I tried to talk to the GP but they basically only wanted to know if she was psychotic/suicidal and weren't interested otherwise. She really doesn't want me to talk to school about it because she manages to act normal at school and doesn't want anyone to know she is not ok, but then she falls apart at home.

It feels like more than normal teenage angst to me but I am not sure if I am overreacting and I don't know where to go for advice.

That isn’t ‘normal’ teen behaviour ime.
Saying about her feeling stressed about peoples elbows touching hers stands out. I am NOT doing an armchair diagnosis but there are 5 DN’s (mix of girls and boys)with ASD and/or ADHD in my family and being intolerant of people being in her space/touching her, not being able to prioritising tasks, stressed, tantrums & violent outbursts does seem like a lot of behaviours and triggers that they all have. It may be worth exploring, especially as you say she acts normal at school. The effort of masking at school is often exhausting and causes the behaviour to fall apart at home.

Thank you @Armadunno - I have been reading about ASD in girls and thinking she ticked a lot of boxes but not wanting to do an armchair diagnosis myself either. When I've tried to explain her behaviour to people they've dismissed it as teenage behaviour "oh my teen is moody/shouts/disorganised too" etc but it seems more than that to me so it is a relief to hear someone else suggest that too.
I don't know what to do though as the GP wouldn't even discuss referring her to CAMHS if I don't go through the school. And she desperately doesn't want me to talk to anyone at school.

My first thought was some kind of neurodiversity too.

Neurodiversity diagnosis isn't going to help her in the short term though. Even if she was diagnosed tomorrow, these issues will still be there.

Do you think it would be helpful to her if you both worked out some strategies/behaviours which would break down some of the overwhelming tasks into easier, smaller, tasks?

Would it help her if you came up with a phrase she could use at school for the "elbows" situation?

I think a lot the time, even if you don't find a solution, just talking it through can be beneficial.

Good luck - my teen was very anxious at this age, but we did somehow muddle through by talking and listening. Listening mostly, from me.

It's not an easy time, and a lot of stuff is "teenage angst", which isn't to be dismissed, but it's part of brain development and growth. Keep talking OP, you sound very supportive and I'm sure that's helpful.

Thanks @SingingSands you are right in that it wouldn't help in the short term (and also feels like it will be a battle trying to get any sort of diagnosis based on my initial GP contact).
I've tried really hard to help her, and I do so much listening. I've tried suggesting we work out some strategies for dealing with individual things but she is very stubborn and negative about even trying. I usually just get yelled at which is wearing me out - I'm worried about what the neighbour must think as she will literally scream as loud as she can with rage sometimes if I've said something that she finds annoying. And I'm trying REALLY hard not to be annoying.
I just don't feel qualified to help any more. Even if she isn't diagnosed with anything I feel like she needs some professional support, like to support her learning how to handle stress/anxiety/anger so it doesn't take over, but it doesn't seem like the health service really offers this.

How worrying for you OP. I don’t know if there’s any way you can help her get more rest/sleep- get into Pjs much earlier in the evening before a treat like hot choc or favourite to programme or something? How is she eating - plenty of iron rich foods, protein and veg etc? Does she need reassurance re school in terms of how she’s doing ? I might be tempted to speak to teachers to see if they can move where she sits or keep an eye out for any unfriendly behaviour at the tables?? Is she working too hard at homework every weekend, does she need a weekend off doing something relaxing? If there’s no improvement I might ask the GP for some blood tests to rule out whether she could be anaemic or something

Thanks @JussathoB ! She's vegetarian but eats a balanced diet - lots of fruit/veg/beans/lentils/eggs/dairy. She had blood tests for anaemia a couple of years ago but was fine. She's not really doing much homework. She'll either ignore it completely and spend the whole weekend drawing (which is her hobby) and then panic late sunday evening, or spend hours staring at her homework but not doing it and getting in a state. I've tried trying to help her plan her time better so she balances homework and downtime but it usually ends in a row. She is still doing well at school although had a one science test where she did less well than usual because was so tired. It doesn't seem to matter if she gets an A* on one test she still gets stressed about the next one, and I get shouted at for trying to reassure her.

It’s not easy is it. You’re trying to help her but she’s getting upset and angry when you do. I suppose she is at that age where she wants to control when she does her work etc. I’m happy to hear she’s got a hobby she enjoys, that’s a plus in life whatever happens! I wish I had more answers for you. Perhaps all you can do at the moment is try to take little opportunities to reassure her and show her you love her.

Which I’m sure you are doing already

Would she maybe go out for walks with you ? Sometimes it’s easier to talk to teenagers if you are ‘side by side’ doing something rather than face to face. Or doing something else together ? Perhaps try doing something together and specifically avoid topics of concern so you can try to relax together and take the pressure off?

I assume she's in y11 and has GCSEs soon? My DD is too and is struggling this term. Mood definitely low, and very snappy and tearful, especially if you mention school work or exams in any way. It must be so stressful for them.

I could have written this last year when my dd was 15. She has Sensory processing disorder and tends to be anxious but she coped fine in Primary and with the initial move to secondary.
I feel she was quite badly affected by the pandemic and enjoyed home schooling more than regular school.
Last year she had some big exams coming up. She became really stressed. She was struggling with friendships and became very stressed about day to day school life.
She ended up refusing to go to school for a time. I had some support from the school and also arranged counselling out of school for her. The school recommended she be assessed for ASD but we haven't had that done yet.
She didn't think she got much from the counselling outside school but felt very supported by the in school counsellor.
She managed to settle back in to school and got through her exams.
We aren't in the UK so different school system here. She has a more practical year this year, less academic pressure and she is so much better.
I think your dd would benefit from having some support at school but I understand it is difficult to get her to see that.
Dd didn't want me to speak to the school at first but once the school refusing started I had no choice.

I wonder if you can work with her to talk to school together. I would imagine that she is having lots of worries about standing out / being judged when actually there will be countless kids that are seeing camhs/having support from school that she is unaware of.
That opens up care/support in school but also thinking with them about inward referral if your gp is asking for school involvement for onward referral.

@Rabes she is in Y10 and has had one mock exam so far, before xmas, which seemed to trigger this recent episode. I don't know how she's going to cope with any more exams :(

I think this is an exceptionally stressful year.
If you haven't previously noticed any behaviour that pinged any concerns, it probably is just very heightened stress with a large dose of exam anxiety on the side.
She's 15, a high achieving and able student. Most schools do offer some pastoral care or support but if she refuses to engage there isn't much you can do.
I find my teen easier to talk with when we're doing something like going for a walk, it's easier to open up - maybe ask how you can make home a better place to unwind and decompress. Stress and procrastinating go hand in hand.
I don't think that there is a magic solution (please tell me if you find one!) But give her a space to vent and air her concerns and frustrations. I think trying to help teens organise themselves is like pushing water uphill..

Ah you've got a while to go yet then. My DD didn't do mock exams until y11, I think it made her y10 a bit less stressful.

With my DD I just try my best to make her weekends and holidays enjoyable and relaxing as possible. I have stopped mentioning school work, it wasn't helping.

I listen to her rant about school, life, whatever and don't give advice or pass comment unless she actually asks for it (which she doesn't). I just say "there there" type things like "that sounds hard" and "poor you". I learnt that I'm the person she dumps all her worries, anxieties, anger and stress on, and she just wants listening to and comforting. I have to remind myself shes just offloading, and not to go into panic mode. I think she feels better afterwards, and has often moved on whilst I'm still worrying about it!

ADHD can make simple tasks seem overwhelming. I've been known to put off going to bed until 3am because I can't face the task of getting ready for bed. It sounds ludicrous but it's just how it can be.

Girls are often missed re ADHD because it's still considered a condition that relates to naughty hyperactive children but it presents in a less obvious way.