9 year old says she wants to disappear and minor self harm

[Beexo]

I feel sick 9 year old had a melt down started punching the wall and slight banged head against wall. The mood swings started a few months ago , I suspect puberty is starting . I used grounding techniques with her my poor DD then confessed , she feels sad and she doesn't know why. I noticed my DD who's always going out to play with other children started to refuse, and wants to be at home. She says she feels safe at home, she says the children are annoying her and she's getting urges to hurt people which really upsets her as she would never hurt anyone. She also disclosed she gets thoughts about people dying and she's scared of death. She's been pinching her arm and lightly banging her head.

I'm going to phone the GP in the morning , I feel like I'm to blame with my shitty genes. I had my first major depressive episode at the age of 12-13 which resulted in an inpatient stay. My poor DD, I just want to take it away from her.

It might help her to tell her that you had something similar to her when you were 12 -13. She might feel less alone, less like she's the only person ever to feel like this and also feel like you can really understand what she is going through.
Concentrate on the fact that it did get better and that there things that can be done to help.

Perhaps also talk to the SENCO at her school and let them know that she is struggling. Don't let the doctor fob you off, tell them about your history as depression, especially severe, is likely to be inheritable to some degree. There's absolutely no predicting though so don't blame yourself, just be the wonderful caring mum that you are.