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Furious - MIL and my DD Mental health

8 replies

custardbear · 30/12/2022 19:07

I'm furious - my MIL a retired doctor, is such an arsehole! My DD14 has had an existential breakdown this year, self harming, tried suicide 3 times, not been in school for a year, rebuilding herself. She's likely ASD, has Tourette's, and has had a really tough year. She's overwhelmed by noise and people and can't cope in many 'normal' situations including school. We've actually come a long way this year, CAMHS, counselling, psychiatry support, paediatrician support, Ed psych, all supportive of her, she even told me the other day that she doesn't feel like she did when she was taking overdoses and self harming daily back in the summer, it was such a huge relief to hear that she'd come so far and I'm so proud of her. Today - f'ing gtandmother measured her to make her a skirt, she squished her stomach with both hands, and told her she needs to exercise and do more exercise like her cousin does (favoured grandchild), my DD has had to go on the pill to help her bad periods and very dark thoughts during her cycle, so yes, has put on a little weight (not much) her doctor told me that it wasn't her concern as DD has body dysmorphia anyway and has had to deal with so much this year she just wants my DD to work slowly towards a more even keel for herself, get a diagnosis and sort her medication out ... sensible... anything else will come with time. She's back to doing school work and asking for more and more - brilliant, settling on her meds, working on her self harming, going well... doing so well ... yet her fucking idiotic grandmother thinks it's ok to ignore all that hard work, she likes everything to be perfect like the Jones's, and just tell her she needs to lose weight (shes 5'9" by the way and a size 12-14 ... she used to be a 10-12 last year so hardly crime of the century!) ... I'm furious! She also doesn't sleep well and wakes late, like many ASD kids do, so they were later than expected (DH let them know) they had literally all afternoon to shop for material. Gm let rip and had a tantrum, went bonkers because they were late ... no stress, completely ducked up my DD special day with her GP to get a Christmas present. The only reason we discussed this as a present was so she could spend more time with GM as my DD finds her very difficult and can't relax with her ... funny that! This type of thing happens a lot!
My DH family just let her walk over everyone and I've told DH he needs to let her know how damaging she is, it's got to stop! She's damaging our kids now. This isn't unexpected, but considering her career we'd expected her to have some understanding ... NOPE! I honestly think she thinks it's a phase ... other professionals have said that as she's nearly 80 she's used to old fashioned psychiatry - but she's pushing my beautiful DD backwards, she's just toxic and nasty ... probably all because 'what would the neighbours say' shite ... sorry ... rant over ... oh Ds is likely ADHD too and she's on his case a lot too 😤🤯🤬

OP posts:
unclebuck · 30/12/2022 19:10

Why are you encouraging your vulnerable daughter to spend time with this nincompoop? Protect your DD and stop them being alone together. Being a GP is a professional qualification and no mark of empathy or common sense.

custardbear · 30/12/2022 19:13

Well I've told her that she needs to stay away- this Christmas was nice, I thought she'd 'changed' ... hilarious ... she's just bubbling at shells under the surface ready to emerge when she feels like it.
DH is going to call
Tomorrow when we've simmered down and can think more when discussing how toxic she is. She was a trained psychiatrist by the way ... not a GP 🤯😳🤬

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 30/12/2022 19:25

Your MIL may be a retired psychiatrist but she's also 80:

When she was at work neurodiversity didn't exist
Adults with mental health problems were locked up for life
She probably never dealt with children

Plus it sounds like she was never a great relative to have anyway. People can be amazing doctors and awful family members.

As your DD doesn't like her, and MIL is known to be awful, why not just keep them apart?

custardbear · 30/12/2022 19:27

DD does love her but she is scared and really uncomfortable to be around her, yes you're right though, we do need to keep her away and when she does see her it's under strict support from us as her parents

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 30/12/2022 20:40

I definitely wouldn't be encouraging the relationship, especially as your DD finds her GM "difficult".

Ivyy · 31/12/2022 15:04

"Gm let rip and had a tantrum, went bonkers because they were late ... no stress, completely ducked up my DD special day with her GP to get a Christmas present. The only reason we discussed this as a present was so she could spend more time with GM as my DD finds her very difficult and can't relax with her ... funny that! This type of thing happens a lot!
My DH family just let her walk over everyone and I've told DH he needs to let her know how damaging she is, it's got to stop! She's damaging our kids now"

She went bonkers and had a tantrum because they were late? Who did she go bonkers to, your dd? She sounds unhinged and a narcissist. When she goes bonkers and says unpleasant or inappropriate things, does anyone say anything back or call her out? You say she walks all over your dh's family, does nobody challenge her on anything? Forgot the rest of the family for a minute though, between you and dh you take care of your own family unit so forget everyone else and do what's best for you and your dc.

I'm just amazed nobody, even if it's a small family, stands up for themselves or other family members?! Yes her toxic behaviour will damage the next generation if it goes unchallenged. You've identified she is already having damaging effects on your children, so I'm not sure why you'd want them around her, or why you or your dh haven't stepped in and stopped her when she says or does these things? Not trying to be goady I'm genuinely interested, is everyone scared of her? Conditioned in their roles she's assigned them within the family?

Op if your dd finds her gm very difficult and can't relax around her, who had the idea it would help if they spent more time alone together? If the gm has always been like this then it's no wonder your dd feels that way, so was it gm's idea to make this skirt as an Xmas present and go shopping together? Or is she using your dh as a flying monkey to come to you and dd with ideas like this? Personally I'd keep her away from my dc or at least make sure they're not alone with her. Was anyone else there when she said dd needed to lose weight? If my dm said anything like that to my dd I'd stop her in her tracks and call her out then ask her to apologise. Though I have spent years in therapy due to my narc mother and dysfunctional family members, so been dealing with this a while!

Your poor dd, I do empathise and it's heartbreaking to see your child in so much pain. My dd is 12 and has diagnosed ASD, anxiety and very poor sleep. So some elements of what you're going through I understand. I'm about to do a course on supporting your teen with mental health difficulties, I feel I need to be prepared for the teen years coming up and how often things can get worse, especially in neurodivergent girls. I'm so sorry your lovely girl has been through so much, it sounds like she's achieved so much and come so far recently Flowers

custardbear · 31/12/2022 17:37

@Ivyy - when she has a tantrum she doesn't direct it at anyone just has a hissy fit and the family have always ignored it 'it's just mum' attitude. I've had enough a few times, and had a hissy fit back (I know ... not my proudest of moments but it's usually borne out of just pent up stress from her being an arse). FIL is a bit of a walk over and loves her so he either say I know I know I'm sorrry or he gently defends her (he's not very vocal... funny that!) but he never actually supports the family, it just gets pushed under the carpet.
My DH and I have had a long talk as my DD SH'd last night because of it and started telling me she was considering not eating so she shows grandma a lesson to stop her, but I have been telling her that it'll just be water off a ducks back and she won't blame
Herself - we also discussed Michelle Obama and how when people go low, you go high and she understood that. I've told her we're keeping away for a long time now as she's been outrageous and ill keep an eye on her eating as she does go through phases of eating issues.
So yes, we've decided to go low contact and just support our kids.
I don't know why it is ignored I think it's just festered for so many years, since DH and siblings were children, that she just gets away with it. It's sad and I've told my DH he needs to start making this into an issue for our children's sake or we won't be having contact.
We have gone low contact a few times over the years and she has been beside herself because the neighbours GC go around all the time, often we've not been over more Than 2/3 times a year, and say gets jealous ... but doesn't see why we don't go over. I'll tell DH in future that he needs to be blunt and tell her - I've had enough now of this ridiculous and damaging behaviour that's not being called out.

Sorry to hear your DD is going through similar issues to mine, I hope you get the support you all need.

OP posts:
Ivyy · 03/01/2023 21:04

@custardbear I'm so sorry your dd sh'd because of your awful mil, you're doing the right thing to keep her away from her for as long as possible now. It's good your dh is onboard about low contact, and yes someone really has to stand up to her. If he can't then it might have to be you? I think it needs to be bluntly spelled out to someone like this, that if she makes hurtful and insensitive comments to dd or about her / has a tantrum etc in her presence, she will not be seeing her again until she can behave considerately! You could always write a letter or email I suppose, let her know what damage her behaviour and those comments have done to your poor dd. I hope she's feeling a bit better, you must be so angry with mil! Flowers

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