School refusal

[Stuckinarut79]

Anybody been there with a younger child? DS is 8, he’s never loved school but we managed. Since starting year 4, it’s been awful. We have tears every morning, says he’s feeling sick, I’ve physically put him in the car in his pjs when he’s refused to get dressed, I’ve tried punishment and rewards, talked it through, ignored it and just tried your going there’s no debate it’s the law.
he says he hates separating from me, the work is too hard - school say he’s managing, he’s in pain - he does have some growing pains but I give calpol and school allows stretching/movement breaks.
school day he’s fine once he’s in, or that he asks a dozen times a day to go home , sometimes he cried a few times - depends who is telling me!
we’ve tried a worry monster - mostly worrying about me/family/pets dying.
he’s been referred to CAHMS and just starting 10 sessions with a mental health worker to work on resilience/mindfulness. I’m hoping this will help, but any other ideas? It’s exhausting knowing he’s utterly miserable and I’ve another week of fighting to get him in ahead of me.
senco has referred for adhd/asd assessment, I’m sure adhd is part of it but doubtful of asd - DD is autistic and in a special school.
school offer a quieter entrance and iPad time and stickers as a reward for going in.

What support are the school providing? Does DS have an EHCP?

Forcing DS to school when he is so distressed may not be helpful and could worsen the situation. If he can’t attend school because of his SEN &/or MH alternative provision should be put in place

Hello
Sorry to hear you and your child are going through this daily stress…i know how exhausting and ruinous in can be and my partner has a daughter who is adhd and asd and while she managed to get her to school, it was often absolute mayhem every morning.

I wanted to let you know about NVR… its a very practical and strategic approach to try and make the everyday less exhausting and take the pressure off you and your child. It stands for Non Violent Resistance and although its a unusual title, it has been very effective for many families and it's principles
are shaped by your instincts as a parent which under stress of the childs distress can be very difficult to act on.

I trained in NVR recently and i know this sounds like a plug for me and there's bound to be people on here who have heard of it and even used it.. I just wanted to make you aware of it just in case you haven't come across it. Check out Haim Omer on amazon and youtube who has been developing this ever evolving approach for many years.. He does a couple of videos that will give you an idea of the principles. School refusal amongst many other challenges have been effectively dealt with using NVR, often in conjunction with other approaches. In many cases NVR has been involved in
getting the child back in school but there's no guarantee of that. It doesn't always mean that the child suddenly loves school! Its about dealing healthily as possible with the challenge you 2 have. Anyway, do have a look into NVR.. Ask CAHMS about it too because some councils may have an ongoing NVR programme.
Hope today wasnt one of the bad ones.. Take care :)

We changed schools at that age, DS was at prep and couldn't cope . We found out he is autistic shortly before he changed schools. We also had a private EP assessment done which showed he has a very low processing ability and was getting left behind not understanding instructions etc
After we changed schools he did have a few MH days off when it was really bad but was old enough to understand why they couldn't happen every day.

school day he’s fine once he’s in, or that he asks a dozen times a day to go home , sometimes he cried a few times - depends who is telling me!

this really jumped out at me. I would not be at all impressed with the lack of consistency and the fact that I was getting different stories from different people, it doesn't indicate a healthy school environment, and it would indicate that there may be problems there which is causing your ds' problems.

Whether the mindfulness will be helpful or not will depend on the person doing and their relationship with your child. I would probably try to take on that role yourself, if possible, find out about mindfulness and start doing things with your child, talking more, so that you can work out what exactly is going on at school which your dc is having problems with. You can then help your dc by giving them strategies, talking through feelings. This helps to expand your dc's tolerance, helps them to talk about their thoughts and feelings and to relay things to you fairly accurately (even at 8 yrs), helps them to cope with things.

But first step is to find out what the situation is at school, and if you are getting conflicting accounts, that makes it more difficult for you and would be a sign to me that there might well be a problem with the school (as opposed to there being a problem with your child)

I have every sympathy. I am having the same problem as you. It all started in year 3 he's now nine year 4, Only goes twice a week when his 1 to 1 is available refuses to go in other days although there is a plan he totally refuses to go, had psychologist assessment outcome dyslexia possible dysgraphia. Scared of the work and classroom. LEA now invovlved, lm at my wits end and juggling with him being home all day and working full time.

I have the same problem and at breaking point, my dd 10 has ASD and just refuses to get ready for school, she's very strong so trying to dress her is hell and she lashes out and hits me. She's told me numerous times she wants to die while rolling round on the floor screaming and crying. It's all very well for pekoe to say find another provision but it's not that simple when you are a single mum who has to work. I've begged the school Senco for help to no avail. I feel your pain OP.

Does DS have an EHCP? When you say the LA are involved are they providing alternative provision? They should be and you can’t be compelled to facilitate that provision, so push back on them if you are unable to work because of it.

You can apply for an EHCNA yourself, you don’t need the SENCO to help. If DD can’t attend full time the duty to provide alternative arrangements lies with the LA, not the school. If that isn’t being provided you can also email the Director of Children’s Services to request alternative provision.

Hello Op.
I wondered how things were and if you found anything to help?

I've experienced school refusal. I hate that term though as it implies choice. It's not a choice sometimes school is a not a good environment for a child to be in, especially if the child has undiagnosed SEN or mental health issues.

If you haven't already done so apply for an EHCNA as a parental request and if your child really can't cope with being there don't send them as it can cause trauma. I know this through experience. The LA must put in alternative provision after 15 days (can be non consecutive ) of absence. They don't advertise this, you will have to request it.

My eldest was out of school completely from year 7. He still managed to do GCSEs, he managed to get his mental health back on track and is now at a mainstream competitive 6th form in year 12 with minimal support. It is not necessarily the end of the road educationally for children who are refusers. My son had his end of first term reviews and the feed back is that his attendance and effort across all subjects is excellent and he is highly motivated. This is the same child that people were calling naughty and were saying he'd never succeed if I didn't force him to school. I'm only saying this because it seems so hopeless when you are in your situation. His education from year 7 -11 was fully funded via the LA with an EHCP.

Go with your gut feeling. If you feel the school is harming your child and you can facilitate AP or change for a better environment do it. All school say children are fine even when they are the opposite.

@lifeturnsonadime is a EhCNA - a EHCP or something different.

can I ask when/how you knew your child’s needs couldn’t be met by the school rather than being something that could be overcome. I’m quite early in this and I just don’t know what tact to take. At the moment my daughter is getting in to school but each day is becoming harder and harder and I can see us getting to a head where one day she just wont go in.

the EHCNA is just the request for the needs assessment.

My child was trying to kill himself rather than go so it was very clear that something was very awry. He became non verbal in the school environment and just froze. It happened, to begin with, quite suddenly when he was in year 5. I tried for a long time to work with the school with reduced time tables etc but he just escalated with the anxiety. By the time his alternative provision was sorted he wasn't actually able to leave his bedroom due to fear.

Because of the acute response he was seen by CAMHS and assessed and diagnosed autistic quickly. He was also diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorder and dyslexia and sensory processing disorder during the course of the needs assessment. School then said they couldn't meet his need because his flight response became too acute, he ran home with no sense of danger crossing roads.

He is highly intelligent so when it came to looking at other schools we knew mainstream wouldn't work because the environment didn't fit. Local sen schools only cater for behavioural issues (he had none other than the anxiety response) or moderate to severe learning difficulties. This left residential but with his level of anxiety we couldn't go down that road and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to.

In a nutshell to show that the La is responsible for a long term Education Other than at School arrangement you have to show no school can meet needs which we were easily able to demonstrate.

It took over a year before my son was able to engage in any form of education and he has been treated for his mental health issues which includes being on anxiety medication (likely for the rest of his life). The change in him is amazing. He seems to have grown out of some of the sensory issues, but these are exacerbated by anxiety. I'll never really know what went wrong. He can't express it.

But with the anxiety meds and the ability to come and go as he pleases except for lessons in 6th form he is now fine. He does still have anxiety at transition but we know the triggers and we can talk about it and plan for it.

Sorry I know I've just told his story but to answer your question fully get as many reports as you can and as much information as you can about your child. Many areas allow self referral for Speech and Language assessments and OT assessments or you can ask the GP for help. I didn't know my child has speech and language difficulties until after the assessment as he has a great vocabulary but the autism was clear to the SALT. Be open minded. Work with the school but be firm that you are not prepared to harm your child by putting them in an environment which makes them unsafe , if that makes sense.