Can you be shy and have ADHD or ADD?

[Nelly44]

DS is 5, struggled since pre school with sitting and attention, he's now in year 1 and is disruptive in the classroom at times, big issues sitting still on the carpet. Emotionally has big outbursts at school. His teacher says he's capable of more but his attention is getting in the way.

At home, we see some inattention, makes silly noises and needs exercise to regulate himself, but I wouldn't call anything a problem at home. The main thing we see is he's very shy, won't talk to his friends parents, if he sees a child at the park he likes to play with he tries to join in without talking. If at school disco will only join in when he sees a friend. When he's shy, there's none of the hyperactive stuff or silly noises, it's like the shyness takes over... can that happen?

It does sound like DS may be neurodiverse! Your first step should be the SENCO at school, ask for an IEP to be started and go to GP and get a referral for DS to be tested.

There are a range of different neurodiverse complaints - it’s not just ADHD/ADD/ASD. Your son may have e.g., Tourette’s syndrome. The needing to use exercise to self-regulate makes me wonder if it maybe Tourette’s. Of course, he could have 2 things wrong, e.g., ASD and ADHD. The shyness could be ASD.

Is he able to emotionally self-regulate? Does he interact with members of your wider family, e.g., cousins of the same age, or grandparents? What about friends of yours and DH? Can he take turns when he plays board games? Does he blurt out the answers or talk over people?

It’s really important to start keeping a notebook and making notes of the different behaviours that you’ve seen and also that is reported to you by teacher. What time of day, what activity is DS doing/not doing, who else is there, where are you. Example, if a friend comes after school, will he engage with friend’s parents when they come to collect friend? When he goes for assessment, you will need all this information and it can be hard to remember when you’re out on the spot.

Thankyou.. yes I have loads of notes written! I'm not really sure what I'm writing down so it's just a list of all the things school tell me and what I've seen.

I'm not sure the shyness is Autism, he plays with other kids, turn taking is fine to a point, for example we can play a simple game and take turns but snakes and ladders is a no go 🤣 he plays imaginatively, copes fine with change. Can self regulate at home but this is more of a problem in school (I'm thinking because he has to do it so much more). But I can see why people think autism as he doesn't look at people until he knows them.

Are there any good resources or books I can read about parenting a child with asd or autism?

There is a really good online resource called Additude magazine, which is about ADHD/ADD. There should also be resources available online from the NHS. Unfortunately it’s been a long time since my children were going through the process and I haven’t lived in UK for a long time either. I would hope that things have changed for the better in the past 30 years since mine needed assessments but make an appointment with the GP asap. My understanding is that GP appointments are hard to get in some areas. Or so my friends over in UK tell me!

The example of shyness = ASD, was just an example. It could also be ADHD anxiety re: new people. I think this is why it’s so very important to keep those notes so that when you’re going through the assessment process you have the true life examples and don’t have to depend on your memory. Recording everything you can will also help. The whole “who was there, time of day, activity, DS emotional state, was he triggered/happy/angry etc., what lead up to the incident, what was the outcome and how was that achieved”. Example: DS got heightened waiting for dinner to cook so went to exercise to self-regulate.

He could also just be a bit shy? Not that uncommon in 5yos?/.

The other stuff does sound like adhd and I agree that keeping notes is a good idea. I wish I'd done that with DD, who's just been diagnosed at 13!

Girls often get left by the wayside, so it’s really good in a way that she got diagnosed but also really bad that she’s 13!