Husband doesn’t want to tell teacher we will seek ASD assessment

[LongStoryShorty]

So we have a parent teacher evening on Tuesday and husband doesn’t want to tell DD’s teacher that we will be seeking for a private assessment for DD as haven’t been referred on the NHS.

i said we would be needing their help with this as they would speak to them when doing an assessment and since she is doing well at school they may need more time to observe her to see if they can for example see she’s masking. If it comes out of the blue to them they’ll just be like no she’s fine

he thinks when we are getting closer to getting the assessment done we will speak to them- he doesn’t want to ‘spread rumours’ that DD is autistic when he doesn’t believe she is, and it would make them think she is without a diagnosis

i think that’s what the parents evening is for/ to discuss stuff like this. I also think the teachers are well trained in this regard, and have a good understanding of what autism is. I told husband he needs to do the same course I did about understanding autism so he would understand it better and see how DD could have this. She will not change with a diagnosis, she will be the same amazing her, but the struggles are already there and she really needs help. Having a diagnosis would help her so much. He is really stubborn and doesn’t know enough about autism.

what do you think? Should I tell her teacher? How to convince husband about this. He says he will only research it if DD is diagnosed

If you go for a private assessment and one parent says he doesn't think she has autism and the school haven't noticed anything, they're not going to diagnose autism.
Why do you think she has?
What does your GP think?
Do you have assessments from other professionals who state their concerns?

What was said about not referring on the NHS? We are in the process of pursuing a diagnosis for DS(5) and a lot of the evidence came from the school and SENCO. This has also meant they can support him pre-diagnosis.

If you go for a private assessment and one parent says he doesn't think she has autism and the school haven't noticed anything, they're not going to diagnose autism.

not necessarily true.

You are right OP, and with or without a diagnosis your dc will need the school’s support.

My DD truly masks are school - only shows tiny. Blink & you miss it markers at school.
School had to do a full assessment even when we went private.
Why is he so opposed to it ?

Who will complete the teacher assessment for your private assessment?

What outcomes are you looking for? For many children the advice from professionals is used to offer support in school / contribute to their health plan and guide any adjustments needed.

Ah I wrote a post this morning but it didn’t send.

so we ended up touching on the subject at parents evening- just mentioned she has sensory difficulties and the teacher said she had no idea but can refer her to SENCO for support for that. On Wednesday I followed up on that by email and included a list of everything she struggles with sensory, emotional, self harm, social etc that I had prepared for the doctor. She hasn’t replied anything yet. I mentioned as well that we were going to see a doctor to ask for an autism assessment (with DH approval ).

My husband knows very little about autism and knows one person who is autistic and he has no issue with him, he just doesn’t think our DD is like that, even if he acknowledges all the difficulties we have with her. Even yesterday she had a huge meltdown in front of all the parents because it was him picking her up instead of me and he also forgot to bring a snack. He knows the problems, but doesn’t understand DD at all and doesn’t want to think it could be autism. He said he will only research it if she’s diagnosed, but won’t spend any time thinking about it before she’s diagnosed. He doesn’t understand it can be displayed differently in females, about masking etc.

I find it hard to be listened to as she doesn’t have problems at school, so it will be interesting to see what the school replies now they know everything and if they will do anything. When I have approached the GP before they referred me to speak to the health visitor who gave me a call and said it’s probably nothing to worry about and she’ll grow out of it, just to follow how it goes etc. I think it’s autism, but I don’t really care if it is or isn’t, I just know she needs help and I’m not interested in waiting around to see if it stops on its own. That’s why we are going private- to cut the red tape and just go straight to business.

DD is just really struggling so much with her emotions and when she’s screaming and having her meltdowns I asked her is she angry or sad and she said sad. Whether it’s autism or not, she does need help or these will carry on till she’s a teenager and adult.

If you go for a private assessment and one parent says he doesn't think she has autism and the school haven't noticed anything, they're not going to diagnose autism.
Why do you think she has?
What does your GP think?
Do you have assessments from other professionals who state their concerns?

^^
This is not necessarily true. What age is your dc?
I work in an autism assessment clinic (do both private and trust work). It doesn't matter if your dh doesn't think she has autism (he's not trained to recognise this), the more important thing is that he recognises the difficulties your dc is having. We often see parents who have different opinions/ views on diagnosis.

In relation to school we often see children (usually girls) who don't present with difficulties in school. In my experience schools are not that skilled on picking up the more subtle traits associated with autism, but a skilled clinician will ask the right questions and unpick what behaviours are present.

In relation to diagnosis we don't actually need lots of evidence from school. Your dc should have an ADOS , so as long as behaviours are evident in at least 2 environments (home and clinic) and these were present in the early developmental period, then it would be enough for a diagnosis. In some cases we do carry out school observations though as they are generally helpful.

Thank you for your response, I find it very useful. I think if you do look carefully you can see some problems at school as well, but it’s just not that obvious. DD is 5. I think the teacher was surprised as she sees DD as the good, quiet student who doesn’t cause any problems. When I spoke to her teacher from last year, she did say she saw signs of her masking at school, she was actually the first one to use this word with DD.

Apart from the list of her difficulties what should I include in preparation with the Dr visit for referral?

And is a private diagnosis the same as an NHS one? Ie will she be entitled for support at school and otherwise?

@LongStoryShorty

Any information/ evidence you have from when she was a baby/ toddler around developmental milestones- speech, gross motor (did she crawl), toilet training, early play skills, sleep, feeding (weaning) etc. anything that stand out as potentially unusual.

@LongStoryShorty
Where I work the private diagnosis holds as much weight as NHS. We follow the same guidelines and processes regardless.

Thank you so much for your reply, it’s been very helpful.

My DD was is/ was a model student at school. Top grades.
For years people thought we were mad when we explained what she was like at home. No doubt thought we were appalling parents.
She still melts down but we manage it much better now
She has just transitioned to secondary with some support but is academically doing brilliantly

Did you have any problems receiving her diagnosis?

MIL used to work with autistic children and told me today she would be surprised if DD wasn’t on the spectrum.

Last year her teacher told me they don’t really like to diagnose children before the age of 7, as they don’t want to label them. Is this true? I just really don’t want to wait longer, the first time I asked the GP if she could have autism she was two and she’s still struggling.

There are certainly children who are diagnosed earlier than 7. My DS is 5 and in year 1, we have filled out the paperwork with evidence and the LA have replied to say they agree he needs to be assessed however the wait list is long. If you wait until 7 to start, they may not receive a diagnosis until 9/10 so personally I would start the ball rolling.

@LongStoryShorty I don't know why the teacher said about age 7. Not for ASD. For other conditions such as ADHD the age 7 is best practice.

I have never even considered ADHD on my daughter as she can concentrate for such long periods and can sit still and quiet for a long time. I doubt the teacher would have considered that for her.

her this year’s teacher has still not replied anything to the email.

@LongStoryShorty

You may find the assessment covered everything. My daughter was referred for adhd assessment and questions covered asd as well.

You might want to check with the clinic doing your assessment that they can assess for both conditions.

Unfortunately in the NHS some families finally get an assessment for one condition after a wait of two years plus, only to be put to the back of an equally long queue to see if they have features of another. It can take most of a child's time at primary to get a diagnosis and start treatment. It's an absolutely tragic situation that has a devastating impact upon family life.

I hope you are able to get answers and support soon.

To add to this even if the same team can diagnose both, in some areas separate referrals are required.

You seem to not know very much OP. Please start a thread on the SN section. and get the support you need. To even ask about what the difference between a private and an NHS diagnosis, shows this. Please go to your GP and ask for an nhs referral to the local hospital to see the consultant who does the nhs ASD diagnosis's.

Schools and LAs can’t refuse support just because a diagnosis is private. Although the validity of any potential diagnosis is less likely to be questioned if the assessment follows NICE guidelines &/or you use someone who also works/worked for the NHS.

Support in schools is also based on needs rather than diagnosis.

Good luck OP.
My DD19 has just been diagnosed.
I always suspected she may be autistic from when she was a toddler, wish I'd pursued it. I naively thought if she was autistic school would pick up on it. She went through nursery,primary, secondary and college with no teacher ever mentioning it as a possibility. I tried to convince her to go for a private assessment in her early mid teens but at that point she didnt want to know.
School will need to do the questionnaire but even if they don't highlight any difficulties the clinicians are skilled at picking it up through child and parent interviews.
It's not uncommon for a parent to be in denial and for children to mask at school, particularly girls. Often DC whose autism only impacts them ( or parents) go undiagnosed as they are often model students at school.
The assessment should be carried out by multi disciplinary team- SALT, paediatrician and clinical psychologist.
As long as this is the case there is no difference between private and NHS , many clinicians work for both NHS and do private work so often its the same professionals . A private assessment has same weight as an NHS one.
In my LA NHS assessments have very long waiting lists of 3 years + and to get onto the waiting list theres an additional 6-9 month triage period ( form filling going back and forth) so would recommend private route if you can.
I would also ask teacher about an education health care plan assessment (EHCP)- you can request this yourself by contacting LAs SEN team but helps to have school on board.
If she is autistic I recommend getting SALT and OT assessments done as well- these should be carried out by LA during EHCP process but often aren't. They will pinpoint specific issues that your daughter may need help with in these areas The ASC assessment won't be as thorough in this regard.

we had our appointment today, the doctor was amazing and he actually made a referral for autism assessment! Amazing.

today husband was playing with DD and she wanted him to be counting in a very specific way (exact right speed )from the playroom, while DD was organising her books in her bedroom, he got uncomfortable there so moved into our bedroom but she wasn’t having any of it, he had to be counting from the playroom. I told him remember stuff like this when they do the autism assessment.