5 year old doesn’t like being her

[nonamemummy]

My 5 year old daughter is quite insecure.
Shes very shy, she’s fussy with what she wears and seems generally self conscious.
Tonight she has cried in my arms saying ‘I don’t want to be me because everyone hates me’. I gave her reassurance telling her nobody hates her, of course everyone loves her and started complimenting her. She then said it’s because she hates school, and then also said it’s because ‘she has chubby cheeks’.

Its horrible seeing her insecure but it broke my heart tonight her saying she doesn’t want to be her. 💔

How can I stop her feeling like this? She’s only 5. Is there anything I can do to help her like herself, or just to feel more confident in herself?

I'm sorry OP. No advice but couldn't read and run - it's terribly sad. She's 5! A baby

Sports, dance or drama classes are great for building confidence.

I would be gently trying to find out where the chubby cheeks comment has come from. It doesn't sound like something a 5 year old would come up with by themselves. Can you talk to teachers and see if there's some cliques forming at school?
Denying what she's feeling 'No, you're not. Everyone likes you' may make her dig in, or feel as if you're not really listening to her.

You need to validate her pain rather than dismissing

“it’s sounds like you’re really upset right now. Tell me why it feels like everyone hates you”

“what do you imagine life would be like if you weren’t you? I like you and I’m glad you’re you but I can hear it’s upsetting uou”.

“Do you feel like this everywhere or just some places - can you be you at home or at school?”

“You sound very sad about this. Can you tell me more about it?”

l

I would speak to her teachers and ask if all is ok and talk to them about this. Do they have any pastoral care or help at school who could help? Extra curricular stuff can help, Beavers/Rainbows. Dance, gymnastics, martial arts any sport or music can help build self confidence. Ds was similar at 5, it was hard and he never seemed to fit in and his class has two cliques, one which was particularly mean to him & a few others. I spoke to his teacher, who along with the head intervened. I did also speak to one of the parents. They also did a few things at school (encouraged him to take part more, gave him little jobs of responsibility) which helped. We also got him involved with different activities in between COVID lockdowns which in time have built his self belief & esteem. He is nearly 8, much happier however still doesn’t quite fit in but is more comfortable, and is making his own fiends away from those cliques. It’s awful when they are so sad at such a young age.

i think I would try and validate that she must feel really sad to think that no one likes her. Reassure her that everyone feels sad sometimes, and sometimes that sad feeling can trick us into believing things that aren’t true. If I thought it could be kids at school saying mean things I’d explain to her that it is normal to feel sad if someone says something unkind about us because it’s hard and not nice to have to deal with that, and also thank her for being brave and opening up to me. I would avoid just disagreeing with her without validating her emotion first because she might then find it harder to explain what’s going on for her. Poor thing and I bet it broke your heart to hear her say that about herself. I hope she feels better soon

It sounds to me as if someone else has made an unkind comment. Though it might not even be malicious - 5 yr olds just say all sorts of stuff, and the more sensitive ones take it more to heart.

I can understand the urge to tell your DD she's the best thing since sliced bread and that everyone loves her. However, it's not true and even at five, your DD will know this - because in her little mind, "unkind comment" = "Someone hates me".

In these sorts of situations, it's better really to do as PP suggest and try to draw her out a bit more. By saying 'no - everyone loves you', you're shutting her down (albeit with good intentions).

I know it's horrible, though. I used to have murderous thoughts about other children when my DC were that age and were trying to navigate all this stuff.

Aww no that sounds horrible.

I would definitely contact the school to see what's happening for her to be saying she has chubby cheeks.
I think talking to her and telling her it's ok to be sad about things, but she should never want to change who she is, she is kind,funny,caring or pick some characteristics and promote those.
Try to gently see why she thinks she had chubby cheeks, if it's someone saying unkind things, she must tell the teacher, explain some children are just not very kind or they are unhappy themselves and we must report them and try to not let them cast doubt on our own value etc etc

It's so young, but they need to have it instilled in them early, own your own value, be proud of who you are, report the bully, bullies are weak and cowards etc etc , keep talking is an important one. Always come to mummy no matter what it is or how you feel, talking is vital as they grow.

I'm not minimising how she is feeling but this is REALLY normal for this age group.

They are testing out friendship boundaries and girls in particular can find this a really difficult time because usually their versions of friendships can involve much more in-depth and intense relationships than those of the boys kicking a football around with each other.

Its highly likely there's been a stupid comment at school and it's upset her. I've lost count of the times my daughters around that age have cried and said everyone hates them. It's all back to normal again a few days later.

it's also often a sign that they are tired or coming down with a cold when they seem particularly sensitive.

I agree, you shouldn't tell your child that everyone's loves as there is no one on the face of the earth that everyone loves, so that will just sound like lies to her

I would agree that this is more normal than you think. My DD went through the same and had some friendship issues.

Our response was to really big her up and also start talking about negative thoughts- these are normal but you have to push back against them sometimes your brain thinks things that make you sad but you have to know that they are not true and that everyone feels this way sometimes.

Then lots of love bombing and pointing out things she is really good at or seeing friends that she likes. She’s growing out of it now. But I remember something similar at that age. They are all trying to find their place in the world outside their family and that is sometimes tricky.