Anxiety ++ on starting Uni

[Itisrainingtoday]

Looking for some advice for my 17 year old son who has just started uni and is struggling with overwhelm and anxiety. He is staying at home and not sure if is making it worse or better.

He has always been a worrier and prone to rumination and slow to adapt to new things but never on this scale before.

I think that is because he has always had a trusted authority figure and clear rules and guidance to help him.

He has 3 separate subjects and about 5 different subgroups so little continuity in tutors and the others in his course. He hhd a close knit group of school friends and is feeling very lost and lonley without a group of close friends. He is a follower so struggles to initiate friendships. He did manage to chat to some others last week which helped at the time. He has many mini assesment to do each week- he is greatly overestimating thr importance of these and getting panicky and overwhelmed if he gets any questions wrong. He is doing computing and the language is diifferet froms school - he was told it will take time to adjust but he is pancking snd overwhelmed with it all and won' t be reassured by ( alot) of reassurance.

He says he feel better when he is in his lectures etc and by friday he was relatively calm but he is very worked up again this weekend convinced fhat he cant do the work, and he he will never manage.

It is exhauting for him ( and me), he struggles to eat when stressed and has lost some weight and he cannot focus or think of anything else and is constanlty ruminating all the the time. When he is more calm he accepts thay most his worries are not founded and we have spoken through strategies- keeping task list, ensuring he has sufficient chill out time, lots of sleep. Tried to get him to do some medication. Have tried to encourage him to go to the support department at Uni and tell then how he is feeling - he will then tell me it is all fine and he doesnt need to do that.

What can In do to help him and limit the rumination and refusal to allow himself to relax and rest unless all work is done and is perfect?

He us contantly looking to me for reassurance and to talk excessively about everything and i am not sure it is helping.

I am going to try writing a clear list for every day with a plan for when he is finding things hard and enough rest time and try and insisit he follow it and suggesting time per day to talkver thing with me. I have arranged a councselling session for me but appointment not for 2 weeks which feels like an eternity just now.

I wonder if he has autism and maybe need to think of some strageties that may help if that was the case.

Does anyone have a suggestion as to how I can help him just now?

17 sounds very young to be at uni. Could he defer and spend a year doing something that would improve his resilience a bit (volunteering etc) and start the course again next year?

Firstly, maybe this isn't helpful - maybe - but is he simply too young? It sounds like he did fine at school but this is a step too far for him now. I know of someone else who started uni at 17 and he was in the same situation. He ended up quitting and went to work in a bank. For him being back in the hierarchical structure with clear objectives things to do all day with a supervisor/LM as well as colleagues (rather than students who are making friendship groups) around helped him and he blossomed.

He is very smart and later ended up with a 1st class degree, a Masters with distinction and a PhD. It was just that the demands of everything with uni was too much for him at 17.

Secondly, for your DS right now, are there any computing or computing related clubs/societies at uni? Or anything else that matches with an interest he has? Life always gets better when you feel social connections with others, so that may be the easiest place to start. Better actually than pushing for counselling, even though that may help too - but no doubt the counsellor would encourage him to join some clubs too. I'd really encourage him to join groups rather then focus at all on coursework right now. He's already over-focussing on it. Time to divert his attention I think. In a computing society I'm sure he'll find some people he clicks with and who have a similar temperament to him.

Thirdly, the autism issue. If you think he may be on the spectrum then presumably you'd have had him assessed before now? Or the school would have flagged it? If it's a concern then you could suggest he gets assessed, but as a nearly adult you cannot really do more than that. The thing is, regardless of the assessment, what he needs to do is find a place he feels he fits in. Having a diagnosis isn't going to change or help that.

I was thinking the same thing about him being too young.

How about another year at home gaining work experience in his chosen field.

Otherwise I suggest he speaks to his tutor about how he's feeling. He may just need to give it more time.

Honestly @Itisrainingtoday this sounds good advice. Are you in the Uk? Most don’t start uni until 18 partly because of the social and emotional maturity needed.

Another person here saying 17 is young. One of mine went at 18 one at 19, they were still young and found certain aspects tough

Thanks- yes he may be too young. We are in Scotland and this is the normal age for finishing school and it is usual to move onto Univesity after 6th year when you are 17.5. It may too much for my son though at this stage. No issues highlighted a school and no teachers expressed concern that he would be ready for uni this year but he has always wanted a lot of reassurance from his teachers and me.

I have been encouraging him to joing clubs to get some social connections- will reinforce that.

Student support/inclusion team can and will help, if they are aware of him. Even though it’s university, the input of parents is still welcome, particularly as he is not yet 18. If he’s not willing to make himself known to them contact them yourself and just talk through your concerns so that he is on their radar.

Thanks @Pegsmum. That is reassuring if he won't speak to them himself.