How to deal with guilt?

[BigBlueHandbag]

Hi, I’m new here, looking for some support & solidarity, and some advice about a new development in parenting my depressed teen. My DD (15) has been depressed for a long time, at least 4 years. She’s self-harmed, made suicide attempts, written countless suicide notes, dropped out of school twice, struggled in multiple ways. We disrupted yet another suicide plan this week (found a hidden stash of paracetamol) and she’s not talking to us and says she hates me. I know it’ll pass. But it’s hard, and so tiring. She has ASD which I’m sure massively contributes to her anxiety & depression.

I’ve recently started to think about all the mental health struggles in my family & my DH’s, and feeling guilty for having kids. If we had a genetic heart condition we might not have had kids, but it didn’t even occur to me when planning a family to factor in mental health or neurodiversity. With hindsight that is a big factor in both our families, though only one relative has an ASD diagnosis. (Several others have behaviours suggestive of it). Several have or have had depression or Bipolar. I feel huge guilt that I’ve had a child who is so unhappy and who wants to die.

I wish I hadn’t had that thought. It’s now eating away at me. I wish I had thought about it at the time of trying for a baby. I naively hoped my children would be healthy & happy. I feel like an idiot for not considering genetics.

Does anyone have any advice? How do I get over this guilt? I’ve had some counselling but I can’t afford to keep going. (NHS couldn’t offer me any).

I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it sounds incredibly difficult. I can imagine that your mind must go in all sorts of directions as you try to understand how life has turned out like this.

That does not mean that your thoughts are “accurate”, however.

The truth is that guilt and blame are fairly pointless, they change nothing and they keep us in a state of powerlessness.

You are in this situation and how you got there is likely to be how most people end up in situations like these which is that we start the parenting journey with high hopes and best intentions then gradually learn that we cannot control our children’s lives or experiences, that they have their own personalities and will have their own journeys according to a great many factors.

As parents you can be the biggest fan, the staunch supporter, the soft place to fall - and that’s as much as you can do.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.I am sure you have tried everything that doctors and psychiatrists have advised. I’m sure you want the best for your child and have moved heaven and earth to help her. But you are human and you cannot perform miracles. I cannot advise you other than to say that it would be in yours and your daughter’s interests for you to accept that you, like all of us, have limitations, when a person is very sick we can look after them but we cannot take their sickness away.

What do you do for your own well-being?

Thank you. I really appreciate your take on this. Seeing guilt as pointless/adding to feeling powerless is helpful.

I am not great at looking after my own well-being. I eat fairly well and walk every day, and I enjoy listening to podcasts, but I don’t have good sleep hygiene; and I don’t really know what would bring me any joy at the moment. I need to get better at doing things for myself. I wondered about going for a swim this week but the leisure centre booking page was so confusing I couldn’t face booking, and just watched telly instead.

Thanks again for your reply, it’s so helpful to get a fresh perspective.