Struggling with DD Anxiety attacks and DH

[Bexlily]

DD11 has been struggling with her mental health for a while now. We pay for her to see a counsellor but she doesn't seem to be getting any better.

We went shopping tonight, I met DH and the kids at a shopping centre after work. I was sat waiting for them and as they approached I noticed DD was flapping and starting to cry.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she'd gone dizzy and wanted to go home. I tried to calm her and explain that we had to go in because we needed some bits but it would be OK and she could stay with me. She immediately walked off saying she wasn't coming in, telling me I was the worst mum in the world. DH said he would talk to her but then text me saying that he was taking her home and I could do the shopping.
I agreed with him so they went home and DS and I stayed and got the bits we needed.

When I got home DD was in the lounge and DH was in the bedroom. He told me DD has said she hates him and we're the worst parents in the world. Although DD says she didn't say this.

He's also said we're cancelling our holiday in the summer because there's no point in paying out for a holiday when DD just has panic attacks everywhere we go. I tried talking to him and saying we needed to sit with DD and have a chat with her but he's refused saying he wants nothing to do with her and she's just nasty.

He thinks she plays on her anxiety and chooses when she panics. I told him I didn't agree and that he's an adult and sulking isn't going to resolve anything.

I've had enough, he suffers with depression and can be really hard to live with, I thought he would have understood better than anybody.

Where can we go from here, I feel like leaving right now.

What causes the panic attacks? Has she been through abuse? Sorry to ask but sexual abuse?

Maybe you need to sit down with your DH and let him know you're concerned about your daughter and you need to support her as much as you can. Her saying she hates you tells you something. Why does she hate you? Is she mad at you about something? Have you neglected her in some way ?

To be honest if your child can't handle a shopping trip I absolutely wouldn't be taking her abroad.

If therapy isn't helping have you considered a different therapist or therapeutic approach? What is the root of the anxiety? Will a GP medicate?

No she hasn't had any abuse. I am not sure why she says she hates me, she's said it a couple of times when she's not getting her own way so I presume it's just her lashing out.

She has a good life, she has done lots of after school clubs that she's asked to do. We're not mean to her in anyway, she has lots of treats, fun times etc she almost wants for nothing but we also say no to things. Honestly I have friends that were abused as children - she has no idea how hard life can be.

We're both concerned to a point, that's why we organised the counselling but he thinks she plays on it with me. It annoys me that he thinks this because I can't see any evidence of it and I don't think it helps the situation. (He doesn't tell her this btw)

We're not going abroad, I must admit I'm dreading it.

I am going to book and appointment with the gp tomorrow to see if there's anything they can do, I didn't think they would do anything so haven't been to see them about this.

I think ita starting high school that's the root of it.

I just want my happy girl back.

The "I hate you" and storming around certainly sounds like manipulation not anxiety. What triggers her panic attacks? Is it uniformly things she dislikes/would rather not do? Is she able to push through or avoid panic attacks when they're related to things she enjoys?

Does she play on it?

Is she able to control it when it’s something she wants to do?

Mental health difficulties aren’t an excuse for treating people around you badly., and it’s natural that your DH is upset if she said she hates him. she needs to learn that regardless of how she’s feeling she cannot keep lashing out.

It’s tough op.
My dd is 11 and suffers panic attacks also. She’s had a couple of really bad ones. They started just after the first lockdown. She will suddenly say she wants to go home. Her hands get freezing cold and she has a look of fear in her eyes. Once she tried to run across a busy road, as she has a feeling of needing to get to a toilet. It’s so sad and scary to watch.

Panic disorder is very real. Your dh needs to change his attitude, or he could make it worse.

I really feel for you. I’m sorry I don’t have any helpful advice. Just wanted you to know, I understand how awful it is to live with.

Could she have undiagnosed ASD maybe? Often when there is no apparent reason for severe anxiety then the underlying cause - especially in girls - is undiagnosed ASD.

I'm another that's wondering about possible ASD, or dysautonomia. This sounds like my own DD, diagnosed SPD & Dysautonomia, but not ASD as she pulled the plug on diagnosis just as we were finally getting there. Shopping centres etc. can be massively overwhelming in this sort of situation. ASD is often missed in girls as they can mask so well.

I have SPD myself & even as an adult it can suddenly feel like a war zone & you instinctively want to just duck & run, hard enough as an adult, let alone a child.

DD would also seemingly play games with denying stuff said or done that caused friction between me & DH. Knowing more about ASD in girls has made us realise that often it's poor communication & being very literal at play, rather than lying, if that makes sense

I honestly can't say 100%, DH thinks she is because she only seems to do it when I'm around, however, she definitely has had and does have panic attacks. She has had a couple on school. She's just got gradually worse over the last 6 months.

She does seem to have a few ASD traits however most have only appeared within the last few months and I don't think that would be the case if she was on the spectrum?

It would be easier if me and DH were on the same page but we've always had different parenting styles and it does cause issues every so often.

You need to take her to the GP, panic attacks are awful, you literally feel like you are going to die.

What are her panic attacks in relation to? Is there a pattern or specific triggers?

Recently it's been busy places, although I'm not sure what caused it tonight. It wasn't busy at all, the main reason we went tonight was because we knew it would be quiet.

A few have been over SATs, although she's really academic and an over achiever, she puts a lot of pressure on herself.

I was wondering ASD as well. Girls hide (mask) it really well and learn to do that from an early age. ASD often presents as anxiety and mental health problems in girls. The panic going into crowded places is common. Could you ask the counsellor what her thoughts are? Not easy for you or DH when you just want your child to be happy.
GPs will rarely medicate and strategies through counselling are usually used to manage anxiety.

She sounds very similar to my DD of the same age. There are a lot of changes happening for them at this age. They're coming to the end of primary school and gearing up for high school. I've noticed that there has been a lot more unpleasant behaviour between the kids in DD's year lately, I think they are going through some big developmental changes. DD has recently started her period.

My DD has been referred by the GP and school for an assessment with autism in mind. She hates going into town and noisy, busy places. We usually manage a successful family holiday though, mainly quiet activities or very DC centred activities that she feels happy to prepare for.

Your DH will have to learn kindness, compassion and team work if he wants a DD that respects him and his decisions. He will also need to let you take the lead for a bit and trust you, as it sounds like you may have built a better parenting relationship than he has so far.

It is normal for DCs to let their feelings out with their 'safe' person, I wouldn't see it as evidence of faking in itself. When my DC are over egging something, distracted humouring is the quickest way to get over it. Accusations lead to meltdowns.

Has she been ill?
could it be pans/pandas - any tics/ocd or restrictive eating?
my dds behaviour got worse when she had covid.

I'm afraid a GP won't medicate, to get to medication stage your DD will need to either go through the CAMHS system to eventually get to a child psychiatrist who can prescribe or do it privately. I'm going through similar with my DD but she is 13 anc hasn't been to school since February