Daughter Self Harming

[Girlunfamilar]

Hello, I am new to Mums Net.

My daughter is self-harming and wondered if anyone else is going through this. I feel completely hopeless. I try my best but I know I don't understand why she does it. Anyone with any insight would be much appreciated. My daughter is 13. Thank you

Does she have any special needs? Autism? ADHD?

My son sometimes does - he has ADHD and say it's releases pressure. I'm very concerned how this will get worse when he's older.

Does she say why she does it?

What's she watching/following on social media?

My DS has basically self-harmed with insulin (he hastype 1 diabetes) over the last couple of days. I feel sick with worry the entire time at the moment. We have been in touch with school about it. I’m sorry I have no advice but you are not alone. He is also 13.

There are several MNers who will give their reasons for self harming. It is illuminating and helpful so, hopefully, they will be along soon.
I never did but my youngest DS did. He said it relieved the stress of life. It is very worrying and scary 😟 for you as a DM.
I used to reassure him that I was always there for him to talk to or just to cuddle him. Now he has grown up (he is a medical professional), he tells me that knowing I was there and I had his back was very important to him. He still can't truly explain it except to say the relief it gave him was immense. He will bear the physical scars for life, they have faded but will never disappear!

OP my heart goes out to you, we have been living with this for the last 2.5 years

Time, patience and therapy are getting us there.

I think.

Have you been able to ask her why she does it?

I've often thought about it. The stress of life makes me feel like a pressure cooker and I always feel self harm would be a way of releasing the pressure.

No, she hasn't been diagnosed with special needs. She says she goes numb and that it makes her feel again. She does have scars and she is doing it now in different places. We have an appointment with CAMHS at the end of this month. I'm worried about her all the time.

Have you asked for a needs assessment from your local authority? Might be worth exploring.

Other things that are not as bad as self harm but can give the same feeling-

Putting ice cubes on your wrist.
Pinging an elastic band against your wrist

Dd13 in the same situation. She has had 2 therapy sessions with Cahms. She is moderate depression. It's hard. Cahms told us it's a difficult age for girls,loads of pressure.I am taking it a day at a time.

I have been through this with DD. No SEND etc but really struggled with lockdowns, no school, isolation.
She got through it pretty fast with therapy but something a therapist friend said really stuck with me. "She must be really struggling with some big feelings". And I think that was it. She didn't know how to process her feelings. A bit of professional help made such a positive impact on her.
I understand the gut wrenching feeling when you find out but she can get through this. Be available. Spend more time with her. I was definitely guilty of leaving her alone too much, thinking that's what teens do. She needed to be involved at every level, ask her to go food shopping/watch TV/help with the gardening etc. Even if she says no it reinforces how much you want to share things with her.

That's fab advice.

I was a teenage and young adult self harmer. DBT is extremely effective treatment for people with self harming tendencies

What is DBT?

I think it is a type of therapy. My dd is doing this, early days, she finds it hard to open up to the therapist. We are thinking meds, ad she us getting a bit.worse.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/dialectical-behaviour-therapy-dbt/

Dialectical behaviour therapy.

I’m a psychotherapist who specialises in (amongst other things) self harm. I’ve done some webinars and books for young people and parents if you want me the details then PM me.

Self harm is always a symptom of something else. Often, but not always it’s the emotional distress which feels unmanageable and the young person hasn’t learnt or isn’t able to verbalise what it is.
Its helpful to look at the self harm cycle with them and see if they identity with it. You can find one online - and then help them to see the triggers that keep the cycle going. This can be historic stuff like a traumatic experience which they have memories of or haven’t processed, or it could be everyday struggles and worries like identity, relationships/friendships and their sense of self.
Help them to recognise living a life free from self harm is two separate things - one is recognising what is causing the distress and the other is identifying other ways to self-soothe, regulate, distract and cope with strong emotions. Taking away the self harm never works because the feelings and the distress are still there- encourage DD to try other things but acknowledge sometimes it will be instead of self harm and other times it will be as well as self harm. This is part of training her brain to associate the distress she is feeling with a different way of coping.

As a household, model how you regulate your emotions and how there aren’t good and bad feelings but that all feelings are acceptable. Brain Storm by Dan Seigal is helpful with this.

My DD 13, started this last week. She made several scratch types cuts all over her arm and then a few days later one bigger deeper one.
She had an emergency meeting with CAMHS who said she has no symptoms of depression and put it down to usual teenage angst but as a parent it’s so worrying.

It's a coping mechanism

I hear you OP. My DD13, started SH a few months ago. We've seen CAHMS as she also struggles with her eating - she uses hunger to manage her feeling too.

Can anyone advise what to do when you find the sharp objects in her room, pins, knife etc, do I leave them or take them out? I just don't know what to do for the best.

It's so hard to know you're not going to make it worse.

My dd only uses razors, do that's what we took away. What does your dd use?

@Sonoio I would respectfully suggest not to go into this here, young people read MN too and I strongly suspect that DD found all kinds of helpful tips on accessing and hiding blades in various corners of the internet. If a young person is determined to do it they will find a way around any restrictive practice you attempt.

I would agree it's a good idea to keep all sharps at home locked away at night and in particular things like packets of razors where you're not likely to miss one.

DBT has been helpful here though it takes time. We accessed an online (ie Zoom) course with a really good practitioner which taught the skills for coping. However we have really only seen the benefit since getting onto a CAMHS team based program where it's weekly skills, weekly 1-2-1 for DD1 regular Co-ordination meetings and a psychiatrist supporting the team so the care is integrated. We probably have another 6 months of this ahead of us including family therapy which I am dreading.

Absolutely agree with you. We are at the beginning of our journey,taking it one day at a time really, sometimes 1 hour at a time. The key is for our dds to know we love them unconditionally.