Most of my family are either ASD or ADHD.
Just wanted to say, don't worry!
It's a learning curve but once you know what's going on you can start to develop some coping strategies and answers/solutions for her that will help.
She can have a functional and happy life - achieve loads... be content and have a great life with you.
It won't define her or your whole life and she can learn loads of coping skills.
It's an ongoing process.
Well done for taking the first step to get some answers.

What have school said about her ?
Are there any other cases of ASD/ADHD in the family that you could use the ‘genetic’ route ?

This was my daughter. I um’d and ah’d and left it eventually.

l wish l hadn’t. As she got older the ‘difficulty’ became apparent as anxiety.

Shes 15 now and waiting for an assessment.

She was like yours. Didn’t care about consequences, wouldn’t wear certain clothes, and just seemed generally naught and difficult. Akways an angel at school.

Now she’s an angel at home but is struggling with anxiety and the stress of school/exams.

I have ADHD and most of what you say resonates but the way you describe dressing sounds like sensory issues which could be ASD although they do overlap which is why assessments are so thorough but at least you are aware and getting her on the way for a diagnosis which is the most important step so she can have the support she'll need.
I can't recommend you get her diagnosed enough.
I wasn't diagnosed until my late 30s and that was only after my own children were diagnosed which meant I struggled at school with behaviour and learning but in reality if I'd been supported instead of punished for displaying my symptoms I could have got qualifications and not ended up with anxiety and a fear of authority.
My school days still haunt me today and I wish I'd had a diagnosis then not to excuse being unable to pay attention or concentrate or remember anything or follow instructions but to show I couldn't help it and no amount of punishment could change me and that I didn't want to be the way I was and wasn't just naughty as they thought.
So you've been an amazing mum already just for getting her the appointment that could change her life because she can't do on her own so really needs you to follow this through for her.

If you can find an appropriate checklist online, then I suggest you also fill that out and take it with you. It might add more weight to your discussion.

Hi it's the OP here I accidentally hid the thread and couldn't get it back had to make a new account.

Thanks so much for the replies.

I don't think she has ASD although there is a sensory element to what she experiences.

In the mornings she cries saying she hates school and doesn't want to go. From what I've been told she does cope with school. She's very clever and flies through her work. But the school have said she is very distractable and chatty. She is also defiant with staff eg told to put her raincoat on and she will refuse.

She's also very very sociable but struggles to make any real friends. She plays with girls in her class but doesn't really have a friend.

I did find a checklist online and she scored really highly for probable ADHD however it was American so I'm not sure how much clout it wound have with an NHS GP ?

Honestly thank you so much for the replies I truly was beginning to think I was just a shit parent.

I’d speak to school and say that you’ve made an appointment and why, and ask if they have anything to support your thought that she has ADHD.

ADHD and ASD often occur together in girls. I’d still get her a full assessment as there are both ADHD symptoms and ASD symptoms in your list. As for school, ASD girls are very good at masking your DD sounds ok at masking but the ASD peeks through in that she refuses to wear a raincoat/argues with staff and doesn’t have any “real friends”. The masking at school to fit in exhausts ASD children and so the crying at home before and after could likely be from pure exhaustion and dread for doing another school day. The saying characters lines as they say it is also a sign of ASD. As is the sensory issues causing refusal to get dressed and not caring how you look what matches what, but dressing by comfort level or similar cloth texture.

The lack of focus and hyper focus, inability to sleep, constant talking signs of ADHD. The butting into conversations- not knowing or getting social cues could also be ASD.

So yes, I think she should be assessed for both.

Thanks so much yes I see what you're saying about being assessed for both I will definitely discuss with GP and see what they think.

I'm trying to think if there's anything else she does that might be relevant but I'm not sure.

Does anyone know any online questionnaires that would help?

Hi OP, please read the thread I just opened on here about my 7 year old. All the things you've said about your DD I could say about mine. Does yours also have any of the other behaviours I've listed on my thread?

My ASD/ADHD son is like this. They are fairly typical symptoms. Be clear that you want a referral. Don't be brushed off. Be prepared for a long wait. In the meantime, seek out support groups, Facebook pages etc which are an excellent resource. Good luck!