Self loathing 10 year old

[Cakepig]

How can I help my son? He's 10, very bright, very funny, very loving.

But if something goes wrong (lost, forgot, dropped something) he relentlessly is mean to himself saying he's so stupid, he's so dumb, sometimes with a hit to the head. He can be a perfectionist, so this behaviour follows when something doesn't go to plan. This has increased frequency, and is often followed by him being really down, this is so far away from how his sibling was at 10 (we don't compare them openly!). He knows he's loved, he knows he's clever and not dumb, and I reassure all the time and he will chat with me. The trouble is his relentless negativity is affecting me, seeing him so mean to himself, then being down. I have struggled with depression, not that he would know, and to see and hear these things in him so young is worrying me.

At school, I believe he's fairly quiet, sticks to the same friends. I don't think there's bullying, he does compare himself alot. When younger, he seemed to have OCD behaviours lining things up instead of playing and repetitive behaviour, (largely gone I think though hates anything on his hands), issues with clothing, he's had tics since about 6...now I'm writing it down should I be worried? A diagnosis of any type would confirm for him he's rubbish 😔

I don't know if I'm overreacting, I don't know where to turn, I do know services are stretched. How can I help my son? What can I say or do when he falls into these negative cycles? The thought of this escalating through the teenage years terrifies me.

....and last night a random 'Im fat'. He is the opposite, no idea what sparked that.

I'm no expert, but there's a few flags around anxiety there.
Perfectionism often goes hand in hand with high functioning anxiety.
Look it up - my DD was quite similar, quick to catastrophise and very keen on order, cleanliness. She has been diagnosed previously with a form of OCD around intrusive thoughts.
She's very much better now but has been referred to CAHMS twice for help.
Also look up growth mindset as a way to positively use set backs - I think schools are quite keen on it as a philosophy.

I feel your pain. DS did used to be overweight. He was teased. He's not anymore. But he thinks he is. Also, it only takes one "You're fat" from the class bully for him to spiral back into a cycle of self loathing.

I am probably going to access private therapy for him. I haven't done so yet as he is about to be assessed by an educational psychologist and I want it all to be part of the same process. I have disclosed to her my concerns re his anxiety etc.

I don't have the answers, sorry, but you're not alone.

Thank you so much, I will look up growth mindset. Yes, he can be very anxious. Was it a GP referral? Was it CBT, talking therapy type help?

Thanks @Triffid1 I think he would take a throwaway comment to heart, maybe someone's said something. Is the educational psychologist accessed via school? I hope it helps your son. I will look up private therapy, I really don't know what I'm looking for though.

No, sadly, I am paying roughly th eGDP of a small country for private assessment. But he has some known additional needs and we need to get the right support in place before he goes to high school (none of his needs are severe enough for EHCPs or other support so he falls through the cracks if we don't go privately).

If you can pay private, you want to look for a children's psychologist with experience working with children with anxiety (vs, for example, psychologists who specialise in trauma).

Yes, GP referral. First time was a block of CBT/talking with a therapist - DD was really quite young, maybe 8? Second time was more recently when she was 13/14 and not really remembering the techniques taught before. Was struggling a bit with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Persuaded her to go to the GP during a well phase as she's more reluctant to seek help when miserable and we were all a bit surprised by some of the results from initial tests. High scores on social anxiety and issues with attachment. Given access to an online platform and weekly check ins online with a therapist. We did a few things differently at home and she's been on a pretty even keel since. She's been pushing herself to do more exposure to things that she finds hard - like speaking up in class and it's going well.
Therapist suggested an autism screening but she has declined. She thinks she may have some not entirely NT ways of thinking but is happy and secure in herself. School are quite accomodating of needs without requiring a diagnosis of anything.
We had a very positive experience with CAHMS didn't have to wait long and support offered was suitable.

I can recall quite trivial incidents when she was younger that obviously triggered a really strong reaction in her - hugely self critical. Lost a toy once, tried to be nonchalant about it but then threw a massive wobbler castigating herself for being a terrible person. We found the toy again quite easily and she was beside herself.
She's always been a huge overthinker. But she's much more aware of not falling into unhelpful reinforcements of thought patterns now and is much happier.

Thank you to both of you. This is immensely helpful. I think at school he wouldn't show any of this behaviour so need to consider how we can support him. I will be prepared for the cost 😭

My DS is 9 and is similar to yours but worse. We are on the waiting list for CAMHS. My son is already diagnosed autistic. You could try autism friendly techniques to help him feel more secure, they might help whether or not he is autistic. I would suggest: lots of preparation for any changes, time to decompress after school, figure out what helps him regulate. For my son, swinging helps him feel calm and at bedtime we use white noise. Also helping him become aware of his feelings so that he realises he has periods of feeling down/anxious but (for my son) it's usually when he's tired, it helps for him to realise it's a temporary state and that he will feel better the next day.

@Beamur yes that exactly what he's like. So maybe some techniques to break this negative patterns.

@HotPenguin tiredness has always made things worse. But he is relentless in getting up early regardless of bedtime, and is cross if he sleeps in. And definitely decompress time after school I have noticed helps. I will try and get him to notice when he's feeling this way, and it won't last. It never does!

I do some very similar things to you @HotPenguin - helping my DD to understand herself, decompression is really important for her too and she has a weighted blanket which has transformed her sleeping.
Understanding that feelings pass and do not define you. A real light bulb moment for her was understanding the relationship between how you think and how you feel and that you can change how you feel by changing how you think and not just be led about by your feelings.
There are some simple techniques that can really help. It gives an anxious child a way to navigate these very strong emotions.

I wish I could get through to him, but maybe he needs that third party impartial expert viewpoint.

@Beamur can you recommend any resources on the link between thoughts and feelings? I think that could be helpful for my DS

We worked through some of the exercises in a book called 'helping your anxious child' and to be honest, I think it may have helped me more understanding what was happening and how we could react to her in a more helpful way.
There's lots of resources online but keeping a diary was part of it - making a note of how you felt. There are various free templates.
The therapist was the one who took DD through it really and my background reading helped me. I don't think I had always reacted appropriately before and had got annoyed at her a few times for saying quite blunt or unkind things.
But it seems to be at the heart of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) that you address your problems by the way you think and behave.
For DD part of that has been learning how to resist intrusive thoughts and catastrophising, which involves actively asking herself how likely something is and de-escalation of anxiety around it. Another aspect has been exposure - like around social anxiety, she's being very brave and doing things that make her uncomfortable, but getting a positive response when it goes well, which then makes it easier to keep doing it. I'm simplifying these and am no expert, but there are specific techniques that can be learnt and to give an anxious child the tools to make themselves feel better is very empowering. DD finds it really hard work doing this when she's having a bad spell and wishes it would just stop, so I won't pretend it's easy. But the sense of being a bit more in control and not helpless is very useful.