Bullying and self-harming and school’s response

[Jupiter111]

I’ve created a new profile for this post as it covers some sensitive topics and I want to remain anonymous . Hope that’s ok.

My daughter is 12. She’s dyslexic and moved to an independent school in Y4 as her confidence plummeted in her state primary. The independent prep was brilliant. She gained massively in confidence and thrived there. She moved up to the attached high school in September. Since this time her confidence has really dropped. Her self esteem is in her boots. There are great facilities at the school but she doesn’t have the confidence to access them. She did initially but this then dropped off. Two weeks ago it came to light that her original friendship group of her and two other girls has fallen out. One of her friends has started hanging out with a group of girls who have been pretty mean to DD. DD came out as gay to her two closest friends. The other girls find her “weird and awkward” in her words. They won’t engage in conversation with her, roll their eyes when she talks and talk about her behind her back. One has called her an “ ugly lesbian” (not that it matters either way but she is stunningly beautiful !) and fat ( she is incredibly tall and slim). She’s made comments about what she eats and how she’ll get too fat. This lead to noticeable food restriction from my daughter around Christmas, where she would only eat two small mouthfuls of dinner every night. The other friend has found two other friends and then totally blanked my daughter and removed her from all of their shared social chat groups. Two weeks ago I noticed scratches on her upper thigh. Although pretty minor these were obviously self-inflicted. I asked her about them and she broke down and said she’d done them herself, that she has no friends and has been locking herself in the toilet at break and lunch. She was completely and utterly broken. She says that anyone who is LGBTQ isn’t accepted at her school and that it’s not ok to be the way she is there.

I approached the school about all of the above asking for support. It supposedly has second to none pastoral care. Her Head of Year has spoken to her briefly and her form tutor has said they will open the classroom for her to hide in there rather than the toilet at lunchtime. They’ve said they don’t want to escalate the issues with the other girls or to discuss them with them, suggesting that it will all sort itself out after Easter. They’ve encouraged her to “ make more of an effort” and make up with her original friends. The trouble is that being with her original friends exposes her to what appears to be some pretty toxic, unhealthy relationships. There has been no support for the self harming or any mention of her concerns around her sexual identity or her eating issues. To be fair the later has improved significantly since we picked up on it at Christmas.

I feel so incredibly let down by this response. Am I expecting too much?

I’ve looked online for tips to support her through all of this but really feel that school should be handling this better and offering more support. I haven’t been critical or bolshy with them at all and tried to communicate with them in a really balanced way and work with them. She is a really bright, funny , creative and beautiful kid and it breaks me to see her so broken by all of this. We are also paying £15,000 a year for her to lock herself in a toilet and self-harm. It feels like it is damaging to send her in everyday and I’m seriously considering pulling her out and waiting for another school. I’m wondering if she would fit in better in a local state school which has outstanding pastoral care, and whether she would be more likely to find a social group she clicks with here. Any advice or words of wisdom would be really appreciated. Thanks x

I would say remove her from that school, but my only concern would be the consequences of her not finishing the year. Could you homeschool her for the Spring/Summer term?

Yes, I can.I’m not working and my thinking was to take her out, try and keep her up to speed with maths and English and do loads of other stuff with her, visit museums, gallery’s etc. stuff that will build her up.

The one thing that stands out is that the school won't talk to the other girls about how your dd feels about their behaviour. I am sure this is because the parents would kick off. I think you have nothing to gain from leaving her there. The only thing I would say is that self harm is very prevalent in this age group and she would definitely be at risk of this in any school she goes to. I think you should maybe start getting some support for her in managing her emotions better regardless. There will be other problems and you don't want her to see this as the way to get them noticed.

Is she in Year 7? This is a very difficult year for girls and I had a similar experience with my dd in this year: Thrived in the prep, moved to the senior and within 6 months was a shadow of herself, pale, skinny, hiding in the toilets at lunchtime etc. The school's response was poor and I had to pull her out. Absolutely no regrets. Within a week she was almost back to her normal self and started at a local middle school. There were 50 girls in year 7 compared to 9 in the independent, so plenty of scope to move between groups.
I understand how hard it is when you have been with the school for a few years and she has done so well before, but this can and will have long term consequences on her MH. My dd sees a counsellor a couple of times a month and this experience still crops up 3 years on.
We are with an online school for GCSEs. This is more to do with school closures during Covid, and me wanting consistency during this time. There's pros and cons of course, but she enjoys social groups outside of the school setting and there are none of the politics involved.
I hope that you have found a solution for your daughter, it's such a stressful thing to go through.

The school haven't been great but they have offered her a safe place. What else would you like them to do specifically? If you can pinpoint it yourself you can write an ask them to do it, but I can't think of anything particularly myself ( but that's only because I'm afraid both my ds's never really had any friendship issues so I don't have experience of girls at this age, but from my other friends and ds2's accounts of girls in year 7 and 8, they can be extremely nasty! )

They can't make the girls be friends with your dd again, and you wouldn't want that anyway. You wouldn't want her eating disorder disclosed because that would be inappropriate.
Do you want school to offer to facilitate new friendships? Losing all old friendships in year 7 is actually really common. Does she have good enough 'senses' to have already seen someone who might make a good friend?
I really feel you should organise some counselling. She sounds incredibly fragile and needs help with self esteem.

Y7 and 8 can be a difficult time for friendships, DD had a horrible time in those years. It is difficult for school to intervene unless actual bullying is taking place. The school can’t force them to be friends.

Are there any clubs or activities your DD could join to make new friends?
DD joined a music group and a club and made new friends which helped her to move away from the original toxic friendships. It was a tricky time but she emerged from it stronger.

You might also want to look into some counselling to help your DD manage her emotions and gain self-confidence.