Helping family members be mentally stronger

[liljax99]

Please forgive me if I use the wrong terminology or words in this post as I have never suffered with mental health issues but my husband does and now my daughter. I try so hard to help them but find it really hard to understand how they are feeling but am now wondering if my helping is more of a hinderance.

My DH finds it difficult coping with chaos, loudness or mess - I have known this since the children were born so I try my best to make sure he doesn't have to deal with any of the above. He was a completely different man until the children were born but he can't cope with everyday life. If things break or need replacing he can't deal with it. He also needs at least 10 hrs sleep a night. He thinks life is one big headache as something is always going wrong or a child needs a lift etc etc. He had a panic attack in a supermarket about 5 yrs ago as there was too many people in there - since then i now make sure he doesn't have to go in a supermarket. I have covid at the moment and yesterday he tried to do the shopping but because I have "given in to him" for 5 yrs he couldn't do it. I know I am allowed out legally but still feel bad going out so I got a friend to go shopping for me instead. He will not under any circumstance admit to having a problem with his mental health - he just doesn't like busy places or people and it is his personality not his mental health.

He has never looked after the children, I have only have been out a handful of times because I know that he can't handle the children and now I feel I have made it worse by allowing him to use this as an excuse - but actually I am so confused what is an excuse and what is genuine.

Anyway my 16 yr old is now showing signs of mental health issues she is very nervous around people, scared of going out and has a massive fear of the impending exams. She has mocks currently and isn't eating or drinking because she is so scared - what of I am not sure - I am have told her if she fails it really does not matter. Both her and her dad always have some kind of pain or ailment they both moan about a headache or a sore finger or the noise outside that winds them up. It is constant. I will always get on and not give in to a headache , put a coat on if it rains, block out the noise next door, but they can't!!

Ok so here is the main problem - I do everything for her dad to keep him mentally sane ie the shopping, looking after the children, making sure everyone is quiet, not letting kids make a mess BUT for her I don't do this I make her go to school and I make her eat. She hates me for it because it is one rule for her and another for him.

DH thinks that she should be allowed to not bother with school or exams anymore because it stresses her out so much.

So my question is are people born mentally strong or can they be turned into mentally strong people? I rarely get stressed nothing phases me I am a realist but I hate seeing people upset and I find it hard when he family equilibrium is disrupted. I like being the fixer and holding it altogether. I do everything and work part time and I cope fine on 6 hours sleep.

I want to try and make my family mentally healthy but actually wonder if it is just the way they are and no amount of trying to make them stronger is going to work.

I suggested counselling to my DH but he is adamant there is nothing wrong with him he just likes peace and quiet.

I have got an email address today for a teen counsellor that I thought I may try for my DD.

It does seem to be now that being mentally strong is a flaw because it is ok to admit you are not ok and if you do suffer from poor mental health everything will be done for you and you will be excused and let off lots of things.

Please help me understand how to help my family and if I had said anything out of turn or offensive I do apologize.

You sound like a really thoughtful and caring partner and mum. It’s tough to see loved ones not coping.

Mental health is complicated, so it’s hard to understand if you haven’t been through it. For your daughter, focus on building confidence, grit and determination. Great shout on therapy too.

Best way you can help is empowering her. Let her cook her own meals. Listen, don’t advise or judge or try to fix everything. Encourage good decisions, and talk positively about her abilities.

Unfortunately, if your dp won’t get therapy, there’s not much you can do other than stop doing things for him. It might be difficult, so start slow. What kinds of things do you do for him? Can you bring him out of himself a bit by just doing one part of a task, then slowly build up? Do the cooking together, go to the shops together.

If he really can’t, then he needs to understand how this impacts you. Be gentle, but open and encouraging.

Sounds tough so wishing you all the best.

It sounds like your DP has autism. I'm not saying that lightly, it's extremely common and underdiagnosed in cognitively able people - his profile fits very closely. If you read up on it it might help you to look at his issues in a new way and find ideas that might help... maybe he might even be receptive to understanding more about why he is different..? If he is autistic then there's a possibility your daughter is too. If not then the strategies might still be helpful.

@intheblightgarden

It sounds like your DP has autism. I'm not saying that lightly, it's extremely common and underdiagnosed in cognitively able people - his profile fits very closely. If you read up on it it might help you to look at his issues in a new way and find ideas that might help... maybe he might even be receptive to understanding more about why he is different..? If he is autistic then there's a possibility your daughter is too. If not then the strategies might still be helpful.

Our son is autistic so I do think DH is autistic but if you mention this to him at all it gets very defensive with it and quite horrible. Everything he does is so so long winded and meticulous and it must take such a drain on him. He is blaming us all for his constant bad moods because we are always in his way. He has often done this over the years when he is having a really bad time and for many years I believed that maybe his moods were down to us - because i let the children play in the garden when I knew he couldn't stand the noise or beg him to come on a day out when I knew there would be lots of people. I think I am realising now that is int our fault neither is it completely his but we all need a life. I am not sure what the next step is because he seriously believes (or convinces himself) that the problem is us. I don't honestly know what I can do to get him help.

That sounds incredibly stressful that he is struggling to come to terms with his own difficulties (and possibly those of your son, which have shed light on him). I'm sorry. Autism is of course highly heritable so im sure you're right.

I guess it depends how long your rope is in terms of finding Ways to help him seek help or walk away from the situation...

Your doing an amazing job and sound very thoughtful but where is your time to keep you mentally healthy? With your dd I'd recommend getting her the support she needs professionally now to help her build some resilience so later on in life she can cope with situations such as meeting new people. Early intervention is key to mental health in children. As adults we are role models to children and they pick up our behaviour. Your dd sounds to be picking up behaviour from your dh. So I'd absolutely get her the support she needs.
Your dh needs to get support too and unfortunately if he's not willing to do so there's not much more you can do than what your already doing. Explain to him that you need his support at times and so does your dd because you cannot take the weight on your own. Is there any friend or colleague he has that can talk to him? A parent or sibling? Men sometimes think they're all macho and cant get mentally ill and it's a pride thing but it won't get any better if he doesnt help himself or find a diagnosis. It may just be he needs medication to help. It seems its been going on for so long he's almost forgot who he is and how he was before. I hope you get this sorted soon and please take care of yourself op your health is important to.

Pushing dd to do stuff is the right thing to do- while acknowledging that it is hard. Your dhs world has closed right down now and you don't want that for dad's life.