Anxiety and toileting

[asandrubes]

My 8yr old daughter gets a real sense of urgency about needing the toilet when she knows she isn't near one. This has come and gone for some time, and after lots of chats it seems to link back to a single wetting accident when she started school. She hasn't had another accident since. The worry and then the physical sensation is causing her lots of upset. We've chatted to school and our GP and are working on strategies to keep her distracted, try to turn her negative thoughts to less negative ones, and show her that the feeling doesn't result in an actual accident. Right now it feels like she won't get over this - it has come and gone over the past two years - is there more we should be doing? (she is otherwise happy and healthy and has been physically checked out for any urinary/health issues, and she doesn't feel this urgency when relaxed at home/near a toilet)

We have a similar problem with my 12 y/o son. He needs to go to pee 3-to 4 times after he goes to bed because he's worried he will wake up at night with the need to go. He does it before every meal ("just in case", he says) and also before we leave the house or before we travel. Apparently, this doesn't happen in school so it's obviously some sort of anxiety and when he's too busy he just forgets. We consulted a doctor and she said we should ignore it, it shall pass. If he is happy and healthy there is nothing to worry about.

My ds had a similar thing when he was in primary school. At its worst he was going to the toilet 5 or 6 times before leaving the house then kept going to the toilet when we arrived in places like shopping centres. I was scared to go anywhere without a toilet. It was agreed with school that he could leave the classroom to go to the toilets whenever he wanted. He got a special pass that allowed him to leave whenever he wanted. He turned the pass over on his desk and it said back in 5 minutes.

That was the last 2 or 3 years of primary. He went through periods of time where it disappeared and period where it was back but not too bad and months where it was bad. I thought he would always be like this.

Thankfully it disappeared during the first lockdown. After the first lock down he started high school and he has be fine. He still goes to the toilet 2 or 3 times before he goes to bed and does go to the toilet regularly throughout the day maybe more than the average person but I don't think of it as being unusual or a problem. I do worry it will come back.

For my ds I think not mentioning it and reducing anxiety seemed to help. Or maybe getting away from primary school was the answer. I don't know for sure.

My child who is 11 has had this since he was around 7. We had great books called "what to do when you worry too much" and "what to do when your brain gets stuck". Basically, CBT for children.

Ultimately for him, books weren't enough and he is now going to see a psychologist. Strong family history of anxiety on both sides so not a surprise. Your daughter may get better with age but if she needs a bit more help then there's nothing wrong with that. Better to intervene early IMHO

Thanks everyone. As with lots of things, just hearing others experiences is really helpful, so thanks for being open. The school are letting my daughter go whenever she needs without asking, and they say her frequency of visits generally calms through the day. We're working through the 'what to do when you worry too much book'. And yes, if she's engaged in something, she doesn't feel the urge. We'll keep going, treading that line of acknowledging and accepting it but not letting it dominate everything, and then see if we think she needs some additional support/counselling. Never felt quite so out of my depth, but I'm learning lots about mental health.

DS (13) has been experiencing this and school have issued a Toilet Pass.
It does help as his issue is when he 'isn't allowed' to go that he gets anxious about needing to go and feeling urgency.
Car journeys seem to be a source of worry too.
We have read the 'what to do when you worry' book but it's a bit young for him now. I think he would benefit from some CBT but he's not that keen to see a psychologist ATM.
Might see if he will self refer to some online teen help that's available in NW

Hi again, appreciate I only posted a couple of months ago but wondering if there any others out there with suggestions. We are really struggling. GP check suggests no physical issues. We’ve moved forward with some private counselling but after six sessions there’s a nice relationship between my daughter and counsellor but no change. ERIC provided helpful advice. Everything feels geared up to help my daughter through this but if anything it’s getting worse - endless crotch holding and still talking about the feeling of needing to go all the time. ERIC and GP advice is to subtly try to extend time between toilet visits, which actually isn’t the issue - it’s the constant feeling of needing to go as soon as we leave the house to go anywhere/do anything. Where do I go next? X

Hello @asandrubes. I found your post as my 9 year old son appears to be going through something similar. We have a CAMHS referral from GP this morning. I'm sorry to hear your daughter is struggling. It's so hard to know where to go to seek help isn't it? I've gone down a z Google rabbit hole this morning- so many websites all purporting to offer help but it all seems very woolly and nothing concrete!

@asandrubes not sure if my tag worked

@Acunningruse hi, and sorry to hear your son is experiencing something similar.
I read on Mumsnet about something called 'pollakiuria' and for some time was content that it was that and would go away with time, but it hasn't gone away and instead seems to increase and decrease in severity but never fully disappear. It seems lost between a physical issue and a mental one and our GP remains all for 'ignore and it will go away'. Do let me know how you get on and I hope it passes for your son. My husband and I have decided to let summer play out and if things are unchanged for my daughter by the time of return to school, we will push for further help as we are into the realms of school residential trips and more sleepovers and it's hard to think of our daughter having to 'cope' with those things rather than enjoy them.