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Advice on dealing with anxiety and intrusive thoughts in 11 year old DD

14 replies

SunnyUpNorth · 03/02/2022 14:27

DD has been suffering with anxiety for a while now. I can’t remember exactly when it started as it has presented in different ways, so I didn’t at first notice that they were linked.

For example she became obsessed with hand washing but it seemed understandable as they were constantly being made to wash their hands in school before they went into lockdown. This did calm down. She later become obsessed with the thought of accidentally weeing when swimming and refused to get in the pool for ages, but after another lockdown she seemed to forget about this and it isn’t an issue now.

Last spring/summer she because very anxious again and was generally fine while at school and when in a routine (sports after school etc) but seemed to get really down in the holidays when not as distracted.

She had an incident at school last year when she was eating a sandwich and couldn’t swallow it properly and thought she was going to choke. This turned into a bit of a panic attack. She then didn’t eat properly for about a week as she was so worried about choking. Eventually this improved but now whenever she gets anxious she has trouble eating as her throat feels constricted.

She will be crying with hunger and be unable to eat. I will make her smoothies etc and she will very slowly sip them to at least get something into her.

She was awful over the Christmas holidays, so upset and crying all the time. She has started having intrusive thoughts that she is going to hurt herself or someone else. We had a few days away at new year and she really perked up and was excited to go back to school, but then two days after returning she got covid so had to stay off again and she was terrible. She is back now but hasn’t bounced back as usual.

She is crying every morning and evening about the thoughts. I’ve read back on some old threads and I’m trying to support her as best I can but I sometimes wonder if I’m making it worse.

We have spoken to the gp who was happy to refer her to camhs but did say it could be months and months, so we are arranging to see someone through our private medical. But everyone is so booked up so I think it will be at least another month.

I’m just worried as normally she is fine once back at school but not this time and she keeps saying she is having thoughts about killing herself, but she doesn’t want to. She won’t help me if I ask her to do some cooking with me to distract her as she is scared of being around knives.

She isn’t on any social media and has loads of friends and no issues at school at all. I’ve spoken to her teacher last year and this year who said she is happy and popular and they were quite surprised.

Any advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:
DSGR · 03/02/2022 14:30

Oh you poor things, this is awful. I would try and get her seen on your private medical insurance as soon as possible.
I’d keep talking to her and listening, as well as reassuring her that she’s safe and nothing bad is going to happen to her. But sounds like you need professional help

DSGR · 03/02/2022 14:31

Ps if she is truly suicidal and you’re worried she will actually do it, then the crisis team at A&E is one place you can go in an emergency

SunnyUpNorth · 03/02/2022 16:23

Thank you, we are going through the process with the private medical at the moment but it’s just taking longer than I expected. I know we are very lucky to have that option but it seems all mental health services are totally over run.

I’ve tried loads in the local area as I’d be willing to pay myself but can’t find anyone with availability.

I don’t think she is suicidal, just that she is having these thoughts. The brother of a child in her class tried to kill himself just before Christmas which led to these thoughts, I don’t think she even knew the concept existed before then.

It’s very weird as she can be distraught but then start laughing at something mid cry and be totally fine. She seems to be either fine or not fine and you’re never quite sure which it will be.

I think where I’m worried we are exacerbating the issue is that I am talking to her about it and cuddling her when she’s upset etc, but occasionally when she’s upset in the morning I’ve had to say I’m really sorry that she upset but that we need to leave for school in X minutes so she needs to just get ready etc and then she just seems to snap out of it. Whereas when I spend ages soothing her it seems to almost reward the problem and encourage it.

And now poor ds is getting upset with the extra attention, long bedtime etc that dd is getting!

I’ve read some past threads which were useful and saw some similar aged children with similar sissies had success with cbt. But while we are waiting I wondered if there is any correct way I should be approaching this. I reassure her it’s normal to have these thoughts, and that it doesn’t mean she wants to do anything about them, that they are separate to her own wishes etc. we have talked to her about trying to replace the bad thought with a positive thought, or to imagine blowing the thought away etc but she is a bit resistant to anything like that - will probably have more success with advice like that from the therapist.

OP posts:
JustSmallFry · 03/02/2022 16:27

Look up something called awesome inc. They do mindfulness stuff and stuff to help children label their emotions. I haven’t used it but a friend has for her child and she tells me it has made a difference with her very anxious child. I think they’re Australian but it appears they can send stuff over here

Happenchance · 03/02/2022 17:19

I have suffered with intrusive thoughts since around the same age (I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD). CBT made my thoughts go into overdrive because it gave it positive thoughts to argue against. Mindfulness was more helpful because it helped me let thoughts come and go and be more present in the moment.

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is a good mindfulness book for adults. There's also a pocket book, which may be suitable for 11 year olds (it's been a while since I read it): www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Trap-Pocketbook-Russ-Harris/dp/1472111826/ref=asc_df_1472111826/?hvlocphy=1007460&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310834580283&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-519054361877&hvrand=9434871002302746614

ChakaFridaMendips · 03/02/2022 17:32

Can I suggest you google Rob Kelly re emetophobia. Verbal reasoning. Might be what you are after.

Beamur · 03/02/2022 17:41

Your poor DD. My DD is a fellow sufferer of intrusive thoughts.
She probably needs some CBT to understand this better. There are lots of online resources and books that might help in the meantime.
www.mind.org.uk might be worth a look.
It's a form of OCD, driven by anxiety. It can be managed.
Reassure her it won't always be like this and actually, once she understands better what is happening she has far more control over this than she realises right now.
I read some books while DD was waiting for her appointment and I would recommend that you try and understand this too.
There are some other threads on MN that you might find worth a read, it's not that uncommon. But, it really isn't pleasant to be experiencing.

BloomingInformation · 03/02/2022 17:48

I’ve pm you. Flowers

CaitCaityCaitlin · 03/02/2022 17:54

I’m so sorry you and your DD are going through this. My DS has experienced intrusive thoughts and it is a very distressing time as a parent.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing following up private medical referrals - I would say that we were told CAMHS would take months but were actually contacted within a few weeks, so don’t give up there either.

In the meantime, DS found a book called ‘What to do When Your Brain Gets Stuck’ very useful as a way to start identifying and coping with intrusive thoughts (it’s available on Amazon). It may be a step in the right direction.

Wishing you and your DD all the very best x

dontknowwasmadetoknow · 03/02/2022 17:56

My DS has had very similar episodes to which you are describing. Once he was able to overcome one worry another would soon take its place.
He also had the chocking worry after someone at school was sick and refused to eat properly for quite a while. He did loose quite a bit of weight but we did manage to get him though that. It was however soon replaced by the fear he would jump out of the window so he would refuse to have any windows open.
He had six weeks of counselling on zoom during the first lock down which did help a bit. The counsellor recommended the book 'what to do when I worry too much ' this book has really helped him more than anything. I worked through the book with him just a few pages a day, it seemed to really help him understand and if he had a wobble I could quote bits from the book and that would help him remember the tactics to stop the worrying.
He has made lots of progress but I think he will always be susceptible to worrying but he now seems to be able to deal with it much better.

Advice on dealing with anxiety and intrusive thoughts in 11 year old DD
SunnyUpNorth · 03/02/2022 18:31

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions and support.

@dontknowwasmadetoknow we did actually buy that book and two others I found recommended on here and she made me get rid of them as it was giving her ideas of things to worry about.

The eating issue concerns me a lot as at the moment it’s a side effect of the anxiety but I don’t want it to become a form of control. Girls have enough food pressures to deal with as they get older.

@Happenchance sorry to hear cbt didn’t help you, but glad mindfulness did. At least if she is under the care of someone they can try different approaches if one thing doesn’t work.

Thank you all and I hope all your children are ok.

OP posts:
Siameasy · 14/02/2022 01:14

The thrive programme may help you

marthamydear · 13/03/2022 18:12

f

Riley1972 · 20/03/2022 17:27

A couple of things shared by our private child clinical psychologist around OCD in a teenager. Firstly this book (its fab) Stand Up to OCD!: A CBT Self-Help... www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07N6NGTJP?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
And these sheets to challenge beliefs about what will happen if compulsions are not fulfilled
(I can’t work out how to share a photo) if I can I’ll add them shortly

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