When does it get better?

[Cornishqween]

Exactly that really. I've got a 9 year old boy, ASD (almost certainly PDA) suffers with anxiety, and is now avoiding school most days.
Dh and I are completely at loggerheads about how to parent our child, he says I'm a soft touch and that our child is controlling every aspect of our lives, I feel like he won't move away from traditional parenting/discipline, where DS is threatened with the removal of things he loves unless he complies. We sit and talk most days about what to do next but he's just tired of it all and we can't agree most of the time.

I 've left a job that I adored working with young children so I could focus on getting ds an ehcp and some more support in school.

Every door seems to be shut in our face, hes just been told by Step 2 that they can't help him because he was too anxious to speak to the consultant, he's not meeting criteria for CAHMS. Been waiting 5 months for communication and autism team to see him (nothing yet). PALMS wait is even longer. School refuse to request a visit from any local outreach teachers as he's not 'severe' enough. Ds masks as much as possible at school but is mentally drained at the end of the school day when he is there.
La have just refused to assess for an ehcp - school wouldn't apply for one (I applied myself) and they apparently feel they are meeting his needs (they're not as he's not in school most days!) so now I'm taking on an appeal.

I can't bear the thought of packing my son off to mainstream secondary which is what we're headed for soon if we don't get a specialist school place.

Very little support from family and we are just bloody broken at this point. We have a dd who we worry for too - that she's not getting enough of our time due to ds's challenging behaviours.

Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Is it going to always be this hard?

Where are you with the EHCNA appeal?

If your appeal is upheld lots of the professionals you are waiting for or have been refused can assess as part of the EHCNA - psychiatrist, CAMHS/PALMS, communication and autism team, specialist teachers.

Have you thought about independent assessments for your appeal?

In the meantime, in some areas you can self refer to OT and SALT. If you can in your area that may help.

Have you had social care assessments? An assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS and a carer’s assessment for you. Do you have a Young Carers organisation locally for DD?

Has DH read anything about PDA? If not, as a starting point, Limpsfield Grange school have some good PDA rescources.

If DS cannot attend school the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education under s.19, the Education Act 1996. This should begin once it becomes clear the pupil will miss 15 days, the days do not have to be consecutive for ongoing situations. If the LA refuse, threaten Judicial Review. Usually the threat works but if not SOSSEN can help with a pre-action letter.

You may need to consider having him privately assessed. LA's will do everything in their power to avoid assessing him due to the costs involved and his possible need for specialist education. I would also contact Social Services and ask for their intervention. You can explain that you are also worried about the effect his behaviour is having on your marriage and your other child. Good luck.