7 yo - is this anything to worry about?

[bongobingo43]

Hi everyone,
I've just come across this area of Mumsnet and have been reading through some old posts which I've been finding really helpful!

I've been a bit worried about Dd (7) but I'm prone to overthinking myself, especially around health anxiety!

Dd has always been bright, bubbly & extremely sociable. Her dad & I split up when she was one and she has always had regular contact with both of us. She was always such a happy child until the last year or so but things have been slowly changing:

• first 6 months of lockdown she was unable to stay overnight with her dad but still seen him for a few hours a few days every week and was happy with this. Spent the bulk of her time with me and due to health reasons I was following lockdown rules very strictly. She was happy enough this whole time, almost in a "bubble" and just accepted things as they were
• Aug 2020 began overnight stays with her dad but in a new house and with his partner (previously exH didn't live with partner).
• Sept 2020 - back to school
• extreme separation anxiety about going to dads house/leaving me overnight. Was initially happy going back to school but separation anxiety creeped in there too.

Overall the separation anxiety is greatly improved. There is the odd setback/wobble but in general okay with going to dads and school. I was hoping this had just been a phase due to the massive amount of change in a short period and that she'd then started to adjust to it.

However, in the last few months I've noticed a change in certain behaviours and I'm wondering if it's all linked. Some of the behaviours seem like classic signs of ASD but she has never displayed any signs whatsoever in the past.
Some of the changes have been:

• fussiness around food (new)
• fussiness around what clothes she'll wear (new)
• hates loud noises/crowded places (new), I.e. Not wanting to go to a panto but loving it while she's there
• fear of things/situations that would never have bothered her before (e.g. high slides, funfair rides)
• emotional outbursts/general sadness at times, but perfectly happy the majority of the time
• saying she hates herself/nobody likes her/she's no good at xyz (she's actually very popular and gets a lot of praise/attention)

The last 2 bullets I had been putting down to a hormonal surge I'd read about and these were the 2 main symptoms for 7 year olds. However, it's when I look at the bigger picture I'm getting more concerned.

I think the issues with food/clothes/not wanting to go places is more about a power battle than anything? I wonder if she's feeling loss of control elsewhere and this is how it's manifesting? If so, what is the best way to support her and help her deal with it?

Or does this sound like something more serious that I need to seek help for?

Thanks

Sorry just realised how long that was!

Other point I should mention is that there are no problems at school at all. They say she's happy, well behaved, popular etc

Teacher said she's mentioned not wanting to go to her dads on occasion but when she's probed it's nothing sinister about going to her dads, it's just she prefers to be 'at home' with me

The last two points are very like my 8 y o DD has been since the pandemic started. She also seems to have developed an acute perfectionism around her drawings, work etc being perfect or they’re “rubbish” and she’ll rip them up. It’s not unusual behaviour at this age I gather, but I do think the lockdowns have worsened it a lot. We’ve also had family issues and lots of stress with work and homeschooling over the lockdowns, and she’s naturally very sociable, so being alone so much had a really bad effect on her.

@foxgoosefinch

The last two points are very like my 8 y o DD has been since the pandemic started. She also seems to have developed an acute perfectionism around her drawings, work etc being perfect or they’re “rubbish” and she’ll rip them up. It’s not unusual behaviour at this age I gather, but I do think the lockdowns have worsened it a lot. We’ve also had family issues and lots of stress with work and homeschooling over the lockdowns, and she’s naturally very sociable, so being alone so much had a really bad effect on her.

Thanks!! For sharing, that's exactly what my Dd does with her drawings, handwriting etc. It's like a toddler tantrum at times but it's always because she's frustrated at herself.

I only recently read about the hormone surge but it is exactly like my dds behaviour - that mixed with lockdown can't be an easy time for them! I'm just worried there could be more to it with my Dd (or I could be over thinking it!!)

www.parents.com/kids/development/adrenarche-and-puberty-everything-you-need-to-know/

If you googled 'adrenarche 7 year old' (or 8yo) there's quite a lot of info! Apparently it can make them more self critical too

Is it since her Dad moved in with his partner? Maybe she worries about leaving you, because that means you’re on your own? (Not sure from op if you are!)

I suffered from extreme separation anxiety as a child from about 7, and as an adult have come to the realisation that it was because I was worried about my Mum (parents not happy together, Mum depressed). I think 7 or 8 is probably about the age when you’re developing an understanding that life isn’t always as safe and secure as it felt as a small child?

Thanks @HunkyPunk - that's exactly when the separation anxiety started. She was used to staying with her dad 2 nights per week but didn't for 6 months. By the time the overnights re-started it was in a new house with a partner that hadn't lived with them before.

I also have a medical condition that meant i was shielding and I didn't realise how aware Dd was of this and how much it worried her. (Plus you're right I do live alone)

All of this together was the trigger for the separation anxiety and it took a few counselling sessions to get to the bottom of it. This has been a vast improvement but it's since the separation anxiety improved that all the other points have worsened.

It's like she has to be in constant control of all aspects of her life. For example, if I book cinema tickets as a treat and say "we're going to see x film on Saturday" there will be an emotional outburst and she'll refuse to go. But if I say "would you like to go and see x film on Saturday?" She will agree.