DD won't go to school - anxiety

[PickledLily]

Every Monday it's the same, especially when DH is away. Her school have put strategies in place during the day for when she is in the classroom for when she gets overwhelmed (she's year 5), and this has been working well. I'm 3 weeks into a new (mostly home based) and demanding job and can't just take the time off, so she is spending the day moping around, asking what she should do but refusing any suggestions.
I'm at my wits end. Any suggestions to help get her into school?

Anyone? What help is available, how do I access it?

The anxiety needs to be treated seriously. I know you have demanding job, but you have to tackle this as a priority.

The school pastoral care should be able to refer her to Child/Adolescent Mental Health Serivces (CAMHS). You can also make appointment with GP and request a referral yourself.

All schools due to Covid now have a capability for essentially “school from home”. If your DD is mentally ok to do school work while at home, you can also demand that accommodations be made to support that. As in the teachers letting her listen in on lessons via Zoom and emailing her the homework/notes/coursework. This is so she doesn’t sacrifice her education while waiting for her anxiety to be treated.

Do you know why she is anxious? If it is known and is something like bullying, you need to have serious discussions with the school about their safeguarding responsibility. You might also want to consider pulling your DD out of the school and sending her to a different one. You can do mid-year transfers in most localities due to bullying.

Thank you for replying, yes my work situation needs addressing - I will mean giving up my job.
I don't think there is any bullying, DD just doesn't like having so many people in the classroom. We are looking at moving schools to private, to get the smaller classes. But private introduces other issues. She is adamant that she doesn't want to leave her friends, so it won't be a decision she is happy with.
In terms of treatment, what is the best route? School SENCO and pastoral care already involved, but they have said to reconvene in January. I need to bring that forward.
Getting DD to do any school work at home has always been a challenge so I'm not expecting much success with that. I will ask the school for some work though. I hate that she is missing out on the fun things too though. She is much bette rid there is something exciting to look forward to at school.

Does DD attend school OK Tuesday-Friday? If so, can she articulate what it is about Monday’s that make her anxious? Is it the transition from the weekend, something that happens on a Monday?

What other accommodations have school put in place? Can she go in slightly early or later, though a quieter entrance, someone to meet her… Why doesn’t DD like the busy classroom? If it’s the noise have you tried ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones. Does DD have any other sensory problems?

If DD can’t attend school the LA, not the school, have a statutory duty to provide DD with an education. Provision should start when it is clear DD will miss 15 days.

Have you considered applying for an EHCP?

Sadly, if DD’s attendance is ‘just’ an issue on Mondays, even if you reach the threshold for a CAMHS referral to be accepted you are likely to have a long wait.

Anxiety, struggles with transitions, doesn't like lots of people and gets overwhelmed in class? Have you considered ASD?
Could she have a special job that she does every Monday morning at school, go in a little earlier than everyone else (so less overwhelming) to do the special job so she is already there and settled when others arrive? Perhaps with something to help reduce the noise as pp suggested.

The school should be able to help with this? Sounds like me pre autism diagnosis (I’m not saying your DD has autism!)…..I was an over worrier full of anxiety due to sensory overload and routine change worries in class (we’re talking about the early 90s).

Is there a SENCO person at school? They’re often very approachable, book an appointment or email them? The educational welfare officer and EArly Help Hub will want to help too as her attendance is important.

Being accused of “moping around” while having anxiety is really shit and will hurt her self esteem.

I know this must be annoying and stressful for you. And juggling work too is difficult but please tell her that her feelings are completely valid.

Go onto Amazon and ask her to choose a grown up colouring book and buy some lovely pencils. Colouring in does wonders for a child’s anxiety.

If she won’t work at home is this more than just the number of people in the classroom? Any SEN? How does she work when she is in school?

Things that help

1. ear defenders for when it’s noisy
2. weighted cushion / blanket for security
3. walking to the classroom via reception

All of those things are available for children with anxiety / ASD at my sons primary school so they might be available at hers.

If you don’t ask, you’ll never know

How did DD work at home during lockdown?

Forgive the errant apostrophe in my pp.

@Imitatingdory I’ve just noticed I repeated some of what you said about quieter entrance and ear defenders! Sorry!! x

Inquisitivearchitect you don’t have to apologise, they are common accommodations as starting point. Simple yet helpful for many pupils.

Just some immediate advice if you aren't already doing it. You need to get in touch with the schools attendance team to ensure you are telling them what is going on. To get the absence authorised as it were it must be signed off by gp or similar. Especially for MH

I've just got burnt on this. Schools are quick to point finger at parents not pushing attendance, probably due to pressures they are under but still. Make it clear.

Is there a breakfast club she could attend on Monday mornings as a softer start to school; something to eat, some familiar faces to chat to and distracting activities might help her ease into the day? I've had some success at my breakfast club with anxious children who are borderline school-refusers

To get the absence authorised as it were it must be signed off by gp or similar. Especially for MH

This isn’t necessarily the case, it will depend on your school and individual cases. Also, many schools may ask for it, but cannot insist. Most GPs will charge for it, and some even refuse to provide it saying school should not require it.

I do know that even pre-diagnosis the school SENCO is required by law to do accommodations for your child while any/all referrals are done. So don’t let them say they can’t do anything without a medical diagnosis.

I don’t think you need to give up your job? There should be compassionate or family leave or even ability to use paid holiday time to take time off work as needed to support your DD until accommodations are in place and she has a structured routine she can cope with.

Being accused of “moping around” while having anxiety is really shit and will hurt her self esteem.

This is so important, OP. You need to reframe from thinking DD wont go to school to thinking of it as DD cant go to school the way things currently are.

Mondays are particularly bad, but it's all week. She has a job to do at school, but getting her out of the house is the problem (so breakfast club wouldn't help, even if we had one). The SENCO is doing an observation, DD can go to the quiet corner whenever she needs to and she's also getting movement breaks. This all helped for a while. She doesn't want to go in early or wear headphones (how would I hear the teacher) or anything that will make her stand out. I think it's separation anxiety as much as anything. And it's when DH is away ('because he makes me go into school even when I feel sick')
The GP has said to wait and see what happens with school/SENCO.

And I don't tell her she's moping around, I listen to her and try to build her confidence when we do some school work or whatever we are doing. She doesn't like doing school work at home and gives up at the first hurdle, so I have to sit with her but then she wants me to check every answer before she writes it down (I try to get her to work out if she thinks it's right or not, and to do a few questions before I check it but she loses her temper). She doesn't like colouring (too boring apparently).

I'm back again. Thought I'd continue this post so that there is some background info.
DD (Yr 5) is again struggling to go into school. This term started with an injury that stopped her going in the first week and now we are back to screaming fits, locking herself in the bathroom and threatening to kill herself again if we make her go in. So (much to DH's despair) I've said she doesn't have to go in but she does have to help us find a solution to going back to school in a small steps that she can manage.
She doesn’t like that there are so many people at school (in class and in the playground) but I know that the teachers will just see her enjoying playing tag and not see a problem.
She struggles to do any work at home on her own or with me sitting with her - she loses interest very quickly, gets frustrated and flounces off.
I'm waiting for a meeting with the SENCO. Any advice for what I should/could be doing?

Has she always been this way inclined or has this happened only since starting yr 5?

My ds has been like this since nursery and I always thought he'd grow out of it but he's now almost 14 and is still the same. He now manages school most of the time but has lots of help in place. Everyone thought it was ASD for a long time but after several different assessments in different local authorities, we are confident it's not that.

He does have dyspraxia, hyperacusis, OCD and lots of sensory issues which I think cause a lot of the anxiety.

Hope you can get some help - nothing worse than seeing your child so unhappy

Also, my DS is the same with the lack of interest - I'm not 100% sure on whether it's dyspraxia related or whether it might be ADHD.

In the mean time I would keep a notebook and note down every time you notice something of concern so that when you do go to a meeting you can confidently list your concerns.

What would enable her to go in?
What if:

• she was allowed to sit in the library or outside the HT's office or somewhere else supervised but quiet instead of being in class?
• she could stay inside at break with a friend (our primary had a 'lunch club' for kids who found chaotic breaks difficult.
• she was allowed to turn up 15mins late after everyone has gone in and leave 15 minutes early
• take something of your so she can feel close to you?
• be allowed to phone you at breaks/lunch for reassurance?

Getting her in is important if she can manage it and isn't too anxious as it keeps 'normality', especially as she isn't learning at home. Then school can give her worksheets or say she can join the class as she likes.

Do you think this is covid related anxiety, or is there something 'more'.? Have you looked into autism in girls to rule it out?

What's her attendance been like?
The school should be concerned too.
Is she better as term progresses and worse after the holidays?
Is it worth looking round other schools with her to consider a move?
If she struggles to do school work at home then staying at home doesn't seem a great option.
What does she do if she stays at home if not completing school work?
Is staying at home too easy an option?

It's been going on for a number of years on a Monday mostly but it's since last year that she's been missing weeks at a time. School have been sympathetic and have suggested and implemented support measures while the SENCO reviews the situation. But it feels very one way - they haven't proactively contacted us or expressed any concern about her missing school work - they are more concerned about helping her mental health (which I think has to be a good thing).