Refusing to start ADHD meds

[ADHDhell]

Don’t know what to do. I’m so upset this morning and dealt with it awfully. My 13 year old was due to start his meds today. Was never keen on the idea but had agreed to try. Came to this morning after breakfast and I said you need your medication and he kicked off. Refused point blank. Doesn’t want to be different. Doesn’t want to be on Medication wants to be normal etc etc.
I tried to reason with him explaining why doctors and I want him to take it but he was having none of it. We both got upset and argued but in the end I had to take him and his brother to school.
What do I do now? He needs to take the meds. He has no concentration levels, he’s disruptive, he failed almost every summer exam because he can’t study. The cycle of misbehaviour and the school contacting me is going to start again and I can’t bear the idea of it. I’m just so upset.
I’ll try and have a calm discussion with him later but does anyone have any experience or wise words to offer. Be gentle I’m too sad to argue any more.

I have ADHD and I wouldn't like it if someone forced me to take meds. When you start, you need to really listen to your body and see if they're working for you.

Are you aware that meds aren't a miracle cure? The first type of ADHD meds he takes may or may not work for him, he may need to try different kinds. It maybe that none do.

I was disappointed when I started with ADHD meds as I'd read how life changing they were for some people and they didn't work for me.

It sounds like your DS is maybe anxious about taking them and this isn't unreasonable. I was as an adult! Is there anyone neutral he can talk to about this?

Is he aware when he starts taking them it's a test to see if they work for him?

Do you know any other DC with ADHD who take meds? Perhaps if he could talk to them it could help?

What's the SENCO at his school like? We've got a great SENCO (finally, the last one was rubbish), if this was me I'd call for an appointment with her and enlist her help.

I sympathise. Does he know they don't stay in his system long and will wear off in about 6h. Does he know what side effects he might get? Maybe he might feel safer trying for the first time on the weekend. Is it first day back to school? There's already enough pressure and anxiety, it was probably a bad day to choose. Try and clear the air and have an honest discussion about his worries.

Thanks @shesellsseacats I am aware they are not a miracle cure and may not suit him at all. I just want to try something to see can we get a handle on school.
I’m so upset because it does now feel like I have to force him to do something he absolutely doesn’t want to do which goes against how I normally parent. I won’t force him though.
It has been discussed in depth with him that this is a trial, we’ll see how it goes etc. He is very emotionally immature and won’t listen though.
I was thinking of the neutral person actually but he said to his doctor only Monday he was happy to take them so I think he will just tell anyone what he thinks they want to hear. He’s a very kind mannerly boy, really lovely, just not able to concentrate at all and I worry about his future with his studies if he cannot get through school.
I know I’m catastrophising!

@Playdoughcaterpillar you are right, it was a bad day to start. He was fine about it up to last night but obviously got worked up about it this morning. He knows in theory how they work but is obviously scared in practice. I will try to talk to him again later.

And good idea sea about connecting with the SEN coordinator in school. He doesn’t know anyone else and has been pretty much in denial dealing with this since diagnosis.

I'd wait until the next school holiday to start them. In the meantime make some time for him to be able to talk about his concerns, what are the options if he doesn't get on with them. Turn this round so it's his choice, and it's his decision.

It's tough. My 11yo is sometimes reluctant but luckily he doesn't refuse to take - just avoids until he is reminded.

I second finding someone who has personal experience of Adhd with and without meds who can explain any benefits, plus any side effects.

Different medications do different things so it might be that the one currently prescribed doesn't help so it's trial and error to find the right one.

Mostly, don't see the medication as a cure for all his lack of concentration etc snd ensure he isn't getting into trouble at school for things he cannot help, without strategies as well as medication being out in place.

Eg my son takes his medication but is an appalling time keeper. So he has reminders set on his phone to come home when playing out, or to take his top up med on club nights.

We have systems in place for organising school work and his bedroom. The medication doesn't stop him being an untidy bugger, just helps him not take such risky behaviours to achieve the dopamine high that he would otherwise need.

Find famous people he can look up to - Simone biles was one for my youngest dd when she got her Adhd diagnosis (Dd is currently unmedicated).

Justin timberlake, Michael phelps, Ty Pennington, Will.I.am amongst many others.

I'm a parent to 2 Adhd children who has recently been diagnosed with Adhd myself, also working as a send ta. It will always be a challenge for him to want to be seen as normal - particularly a thing I've noticed with teenagers.

Maybe compromise and ask him to take them certain days and not others - for a while our son took them mon-thurs and had a break fri-sun. It worked when he was at football training Friday nights and was busy charging around on his bike at the weekend. But as school demands increased and his extra curricular activities changed, he found it harder and harder so agreed to go back on full time meds. He now doesn't have a break at all, even during holidays as he is currently unable to self regulate, even on his current dose.

Reassure him that taking medication is ok. If he had a broken leg he would need crutches to help him, same as if he had a headache he would take painkillers to help. Medication helps ensure he receives the dopamine his body produces effectively, without it he may take riskier and riskier actions to achieve the same 'high' a 'normal' person would get.

Or even take them for say, this half term, and not the next so he can experience the difference himself.

@minisoksmakehardwork and @CorrBlimeyGG great advice also. Thanks for taking the time

This resonated and might with him also

Reassure him that taking medication is ok. If he had a broken leg he would need crutches to help him, same as if he had a headache he would take painkillers to help

I probably am putting too much hope and therefore emphasis on the meds also. He was only diagnosed in February and was being homeschooled until April which was a disaster as he did nothing. He was only briefly back before a long long summer holiday so I have been so hoping this year would start on a good footing and continue to get better. Instead he is probably feeling upset and confused and I’m certainly upset. I just hope he has a good day and we can talk more over the next few days.
I’ll try find some other kids with ADHD around his age that he might connect with too as we are both novices to this.

My DS12 has been on them for about a year. At first he really struggled with the loss of appetite and feeling sick. The stomach pains went after a few weeks but appetite suppression is still an issue. He makes up for it by eating well in the evenings.

He was reluctant to continue with them at first but he agreed to give them a good chance and he now agrees they really help him and is consistently taking them every day.

I would leave it until the weekend with your son and sit down and have a chat. Talk about how we never know if something will work until we try it. He may really appreciate the relief they give him.

If he really doesn’t want to take them he can make that decision but he is also old enough to be responsible for his own decisions and that means he will have to work harder at all the other methods he employs to alleviate his symptoms of ADHD. I would help him research the impact of diet, supplements, mindfulness, exercise, hobbies, counselling, etc and help him put together a plan that he will work to in order to make his days easier and reduce the risk of him struggling in school.

The FB magazine ADD is very informative. It’s American but lots of stuff apply to the UK too.

It is so easy to put all your eggs in the meds basket. Ds1 was diagnosed a year before we started medication. When we spoke with his paediatrician, she asked what we wanted out of meds. We said if, for example, ds is dialled up to 100, we would like him dialled down to 70, so it doesn't change him into a zombie but just gives him a bit more time and space to think before acting.

That also might be a useful analogy for your son - letting him know you don't want him to change, just have a fighting chance to make better choices.

If you get on FB search for local ADHD support groups and also some autism groups do things for DC with ADHD too. My son had a week at an ADHD sports camp for free this summer. He absolutely loved it because everyone else had ADHD and he didn’t feel like a “weirdo”.

When the nurse specialist confirmed the diagnosis and said she recommended medication as he scored highly for both hyperactivity and attention deficit I burst into tears (on a zoom call, a great moment in this journey!) as I had a vision of them turning my lovely boy into a zombie. I’ve since done so much research, attended a parenting course, spoken to doctors etc to get myself to a place where I am more comfortable with medicating so his resistance has thrown me.

Thank you all so much. You have helped soothe a very overwrought Mam this morning

It’s hard OP. I’ve made my peace with the fact my DS’s life will be a case of trial and error and progress and regress. We’re never out of the woods with him. Maybe one day.

I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of months ago and am up to 50mg Elvanse

It doesn’t do a thing.

Starting off might be a big thing in his mind but there is a big chance that the meds don’t do a thing.

Doesn’t want to be different. Doesn’t want to be on Medication wants to be normal etc etc

Ultimately that is what the meds are for.
Getting our brain to function like a non ND person.

If he doesn’t want to take them during term time I can understand why.
It must be scary wondering if the meds will make you look like you are off your head or out of control.

I would leave it until the weekend or the holidays. Chances are the first dosage won’t do a thing

Just want to update because you were all so wonderful with your advice and sharing your experiences. I told DS we would forget about the meds for the rest of the week. I had a good chat with him about all the people we know who have medication for different things and how this is the same, but I wouldn’t force him.
He said he would take it and we started Monday. He seems fine and there is no issue taking them. I don’t know if they are doing anything but he told me he actually took notes in a class one of the days so progress 😁

Good news Op! Progress is progress no matter how small.

Op I am in the same boat and y a little desperate. How are things now and any advice? Tia

I have one who is unbearable without their meds. It’s pretty simple in our household and always has been, you don’t HAVE to take meds but if you don’t it’s not feasible for you to live with everyone else under the same roof and alternate living arrangements will need to be made. The reality is they don’t live in a bubble and we had their siblings to think about also.

Same goes for their anxiety/OCD, if it starts getting out of control and impacting on others within the household we will all be accomodating while professional assistance is sought to bring it back to a level everyone can live with, if you choose not to engage in that regard then living under this roof is not feasible. They are very good at taking all their meds and accepting assistance if things start to spiral😁.