Something not 'right' with 9 year old son

[Orangesandlemons82]

From around the age of 3 I have felt there is something not quite right, he is now 9. He becomes obsessive about certain things for long periods of time (as a toddler was trains, then Pokémon). Is incredibly anxious and really struggles doing something new or different (on starting swim lessons huddled himself in the corner with hands over his head and wouldn't join in for weeks, for example). He randomly says phrases over and over again. He can't cope with getting things wrong (says he is a Terrible person, useless etc) and when frustrated hits himself. At school he is very quiet and teachers don't notice any different behaviours. I'm beginning to wonder if I am oversensitive and this normal. I just want to be able to support him. He does also seem depressed at times.

Individually those things are normal but put together form patterns of behaviour that may indicate something worth investigation.

Does he socialise well with others?

@noblegiraffe if it is a friend or someone he is very familiar with yes. However when we go to visit someone who he may not know he will refuse to get out of the car and will cover his head and face. I feel at school because he is so quiet and hardworking teachers may not notice these things. He is also funny about clothes - lots don't feel right or he doesn't like the material so we have lots of the same clothes. He struggled at school early on and would refuse to go,but in recent years has been ok.

The school won't acknowledge any of my concerns as they haven't seen them and just gave me leaflets on managing anxiety. Will the GP help? I don't think it's helpful necessarily to label him but I need to know how to support him, especially with only 2 years until secondary school.

Look up The Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron, it's a revelation. My daughter goes through periods a bit like this, especially when younger.

The GP should be your first port of call, and refer to CAHMS.
My DC’s primary had no concerns about them, but I did, and CAHMS immediately suspected ASD, which was subsequently diagnosed.
Please try to get support in place now if he needs it, so that he has help with transition to secondary school.

It definitely sounds like a moderately concerning pattern to me. I think it would make sense to speak to your GP. If they are not helpful, then maybe a private child or family therapist for a few sessions if you can afford it, just for peace of mind. I think it would be good to know exactly “what to watch out for” so that you know if/when niggling concerns cross the line into something really troubling and requiring help - and hopefully you’ll never get there!

I know lots of people shout on mumsnet if you suggest Autism, but this does sound like it could be a possibility.

It's very common to 'mask' at school so they would necessarily pick up on behaviours there. Have you spoken to the SENCO or school nurse? Hopefully they would be more knowledgeable than class teacher.

Write down everything you have noticed about his behaviours and speak to your GP. Quite a lot of the behaviours and sensory issues you mention are things that my children with ASD have or how they react to new situations. Often if children are more able socially or quiet at school the school miss the full picture.

@queenjaneappro the teacher wouldn't refer me as they said there was no need. I think I will do an econsult to the GP and try and talk with them. Thank you everyone for advice, when written down I can see we need to try and get some support and guidance.

I’m answering because this really resonates with how I felt about my third born. The behaviours sound extremely similar behaviours to my now 8 year old - mine has had a series of obsessions, is very anxious, hates visiting new places, doesn’t speak to new/unfamiliar people nor acknowledge them although does have friends at school who school think he interacts with normally. Does sometimes repeat phrases. Hates getting things wrong. Additionally does not really play imaginative games (seems to join in if initiated by others but never alone) and has sensory issues (food textures, smells, loud noises, clothes labels distress him). He is very articulate and a big reader and I think masked very well at school who saw no issue but after my pushing for assessment, he has been diagnosed with (high functioning) autism. I probably wouldn’t have had the confidence to do that because school were resistant if he weren’t very different from my older two. He had some school refusal when younger as well and school just thought he was anxious. He is academically pretty able, no trouble at school and they missed all the subtle signs which were picked up by Ed psych and speech & Lang. I wouldn’t have pursued diagnosis but his rigidity and anxiety were increasingly impacting on him and he needed some understanding of that at school/hobbies/when he had a hospital appointment/surgery etc.

He sounds very much like my friend's 9 year old son, recently diagnosed with ASD. Obsessive interests, real anxiety about trying new things which might go wrong (eg bike riding), social interaction not always easy, and sensory issues with clothing, foods, smells, noises etc.

@queenjaneappro the teacher wouldn't refer me as they said there was no need. I think I will do an econsult to the GP and try and talk with them.

It's really frustrating when teachers don't pick up on things. I'd be inclined to bypass the teacher and request a meeting with the SENCO to go through your concerns as well as contacting your GP.

Good luck.

My son is now 18 and following a diagnosis last year really wished he had known he was autistic at a younger age and had the accommodations which would have made his life more manageable. He is intelligent enough to have masked very effectively all these years so nobody (including teachers) ever flagged it up. However the relentless masking did lead to a breakdown at 16 which he has now largely recovered from and is due to go off to university. I too read The Sensitive Child a few years ago and just assumed he was sensitive - I would urge you to explore a bit more thoroughly than I did. He is so much happier now he understands himself and why he sometimes sees the world differently to others.

Thank you everyone. I have put in an e-consult to the GP and will pursue getting him any support he needs. The school has also been so dismissive that I thought I was being over sensitive to how he is, but I can see from your posts that often these issues aren't picked up at school.

Amazingly my GP responded to the e-consult at midnight last night and is referring DS for assessment and to look at how best to support him. Thank you all for the encouragement in not just accepting the schools opinion.

Great news, hope it is helpful :)

Sounds exactly like my son at that age, he has aspergers (autism). I'd say you have a lot of red flags there for autism.

Yes similar here for dd (now confirmed with asd). Not usual to have a mask on at school, dd school was similar and found it hard to 'believe' the things we were saying happened at home. Lock down was a big help to us really as we then saw the school mask being worn at home.

It can be a long road to diagnosis with a few hoops to jump along the way (we had to do a 10 week parenting course before we could move to next stage of assessment in our area), just keep chipping away at it.

It has been really valuable for dd (now 10) to have her diagnosis, she had all sorts of fears about what was 'wrong' with her and this has given her a new language and insights into how she feels and why.

Excellent news op. Similar traits to mine growing up, unfortunately there was very little known about diagnosing autism etc at that time and especially in females. I was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago after decades of struggling and mental health problems so you're doing the right thing

What happened in the end @Orangesandlemons82 ?

@TillyMcGilly we had some support from a primary referral unit but that was more for how we could manage his behaviour, they never actually saw him. We have an appointment on 5th March for the first part of the ASD Assessment process. However we have had to go privately for this and even then we have been on a waiting list for 4 mths. We were told CAMHS would be over 2 years which just seems too long when we are applying for secondary schools later in the year.

Hey there,
Just reading your thread here and wondering how your assessment went? Hope your son is doing great and getting support if and where needed and above all is happy 😊

@rodarrrach DS really struggled with the assessment and was so distressed that the psychologist felt it wouldn't be right to continue. However the week after he decided he wanted to try again and he managed to get through the whole assessment! He was diagnosed with Autism and after being quite firm with the school he has had 6 anxiety management sessions with the ELSA which has really helped. He will be having some CBT privately later in the year.
It's strange, since he has had the diagnosis he seems a lot happier and more settled. I think that he feels satisfied that there is an explanation for why he struggles in some areas and that school staff understand this too.
Thank you for asking, I'm really pleased that we did seek an assessment ☺️

That is wonderful news orangeandlemons for your son and for you all. So great to have an understanding for behaviours and he can now reach his full potential. The best of luck to you all 💖