To stop Asd/Adhd child visiting Dad

[Woolwichgirl]

I really need some advice on this.
My son is 7 in october .Has been diagnosed with Autism and more recently Adhd.Pre Adhd diagnosis life was hell and he kept on being excluded from school due to violence and aggressive behaviour to staff and classmates..He runs away a lot too and have attempted to jump off the school building before..Long story short he doesnt understand risk.
However he is now on Adhd medication(Medikinet 15mg) which has helped reduce his impulsiveness aggression and risk taking by 50 percent.So we manage things at this dose by been very careful.
He has a full time TA at school.
Recently his Dad came back into our lifes.3 months ago precisely.We broke up years ago due to domestic violence.Dad has Asd bipolar and Adhd as well.Back then he had alcohol addiction but he says hes better now and trying his best to stay clean.
He started meeting my son 2 months ago at my place and then the last 3 meetings I made it clear he cant continue the meetings in my house and that he must find a suitable house to move to.
The reason is he currently lives on a 7th floor flat and I am terrified of my son going to this place.theres a balcony as well and I dont think our son should be going there as he has no risk awareness.However my ex convinced me that it will be fine and that he will watch him like a hawk.My ex also said he will start looking for a new place on a ground floor asap.
Fast forward to last saturday.My son went with his Dad there.He had an episode,got out of control and ran away from his dad.For over an hour dad was searching for him everywere from floor to floor until he was found on the 4th floor by some neighbours.He brought him home safe in a taxi.
The whole thing shook me.Ex apologised and said he turned his eye away for a second and he ran off.
Anyway after much pondering I have now texted ex that if he wants to keep seeing our son he must move to a new place on a ground floor and until then I wont be letting our son come there again.I dont think this is unreasonable.Am terrified of my son jumping off the balcony.
Now ex is very angry and wont speak to me.
I dont know what to do.

Was I been too harsh?.

Anyone?

I think that's fair and in your son's best interests. It can be nerve wracking looking after an escape artist at the best of times, but in a seventh floor flat it must be a nightmare.

Is there anywhere safe in the community that your ex could take him for a few hours in the interim so they get to carry on building their relationship?

Thanks MargotEmin for your quick reply.
The idea you suggested is a very good one;meeting else where until he moves.But the problem is my ex doesnt listen.He will do exactly what he wants to do.
Last saturday when he came to pick him up(the day the said incident happened), I even suggested that the weather is lovely why dont they hang out at the park near my house instead of going to his flat.He said yea yea..but he didnt do that.They went straight to his house.And also I wouldnt have known about the incident if my son hadnt blurted it out on arrival.
I did suspect something was going on because he didnt return him at agreed time.I kept on texting him and asking if everything is ok and my ex kept saying yes everything is fine.but i suspected all was not well.When they arrived in taxi my son was clearly agitated and immediately tried running away as he alighted from the taxi
Dad then chased him and caught him and brought him to the door step..it was then my son blurted out that he ran off at dads.Thats when dad opened up and told me the whole story.So you see.Hes not somone very reliable.But still i dont want to ruin the budding relationship.
Maybe I will look for a contact center or something similar .
My ex is very socially awkward and I am very sure he will loathe the idea of a contact center .I dont know how to sort this.

I have had a long conversation with him.He has agreed to be taking our soon to either outdoor parks for now or indoor trampoline center.
Whether he will keep to his words is another story entirely.
He says I should give him 2 to 3 months to sort a new house out.
I guess I will have to accept this for now.
Or what do you guys think?

Sorry I meant to say Son not soon

I think it's encouraging that he's planning to move, that shows quite a high level of motivation to get it right. I guess all you can do is keep an eye on things and if they go belly up revisit your idea of a contact centre. Best of luck!

Has your son ever ran away from you?

Op, if your son has 1to1 at school that indicates the level of intervention and watching he needs. His dad has not been involved in his life and won’t be knowledgeable about what and how to intervene so please do share with him. Write it down if that helps.
Would social story for your ds help him understand what’s happening?

I would suggest a routine like going to park/Mac Donald’s, local cafe, play area ds likes? a planned regular event that ds will manage better knowing in advance what’s happening. You could go too if that helps?

For me the trust would be gone. Not because your son ran off but because your ex lied to you. He should have asked your advice on where your son was likely to go and how to get him back. He was more interested in saving face.

I understand your worry but with the housing situation as it is, it’s going to be very hard for him to find a new place to live easily.

I think, especially based on history you need to be firm and advise contact away from his flat is not about him but for the safety of your son.

is there another place that is (a) secure and (b) familiar to your son where contact could take place?

With little kids, the best contact with a separated parent is little & often. And you might do well to consider your son as a younger child - a full day with his dad would be too much, but an hour at an enclosed playground should be OK.

Thank you all for your replies.
Ex and I have now agreed that his flat is not suitable for meetings with our son.In the interim,they will be meeting in parks and indoor playcenters and also library.For now contact is 2 hrs every saturday and it will stay that way till he finds a new place .We both dont have families in the uk who can help with contact so we might have to manage this arrangement for now.

@Gallowaygirl88 .Yes my son has ran away from me a couple of times and he has also ran out of school twice.Hes very intelligent and watches for any loop holes and then bolts as soon as he can.

@ilovethewild.
Thanks for your suggestions.Yes I have briefed my Ex on safety tips that work for me when out with ds and I have also given him tips on how to calm ds if things do escalate.I have adviced him on possible places not to take ds,places i know can trigger a meltdown.
I will also look into social stories

Can’t be easy OP, but it might be a bit of an over reaction to stop contact when your son has ran away from lots of people.

Social stories are a great tool, your sons school/ respite (if he has one?) might be able to help you make some up.

Would you be able to accompany your son to your ex’s house, first staying for the full visit then reducing your time there. Could ease any anxiety your son has over an unfamiliar setting.

Can’t be easy OP, but it might be a bit of an over reaction to stop contact when your son has ran away from lots of people.

It's a bit different when Dad lives in a seventh floor flat.

Would you be able to accompany your son to your ex’s house, first staying for the full visit then reducing your time there. Could ease any anxiety your son has over an unfamiliar setting.

Not a safe or sensible suggestion when there has been past domestic abuse. The court, for example, would never encourage this kind of arrangement.