Teen excluded by friends because of anxiety

[Peachmelba05]

I'm looking for advice on how to best support my 16 year old dd.

She suffers from anxiety and OCD which has got worse in the last year due to lockdowns and isolations. She has a small group of friends who she has been very close to. Recently, due to anxiety she has said that she is finding it difficult to even talk to them and most of the time sits and doesn't talk to them. This is because of social anxiety and she worries they don't want to listen to her or think what she says is stupid, obviously I've talked to her about it and reassured her that this isn't the case. She says she's talked to the friends she is closest to and has explained why she doesn't talk but they are really dismissive and say she just needs to talk to people.

However they have started to exclude her, they arrange to go out but never ask her and have now started to add things to their social media accounts, wait till she sees it and then block her, only to add her again the next day. When she asks if they want to meet up they say they can't because they have plans with family or work and then she will see on social media that they are all together. It's destroying her and any progress she has made with regards to her mental health and I don't know what to do or say to help her. She's due to start sixth form soon and is now dreading it because she says she has no friends and she believes it's because she isn't good enough.

She has seen councillors in the past which did help but shes adamant she doesn't want to go back to counselling as she now sees her anxiety as something to be ashamed of because of the way they have treated her.

This is really difficult. What she is experiencing sounds like situational mutism. I have experience of it as a young person.

Unfortunately nobody is going to want to hang out with someone who sits in silence and your dd is going to have to take responsibility and seek help if she wants to reduce the social impact.

There’s a book called Starving the Anxiety Gremlin for 10-16 year olds that she could start with if she won’t go to therapy.

Whenzoom: What she is experiencing sounds like situational mutism. I have experience of it as a young person.
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So did I! I lacked confidence. Sometimes I could cover it up but most of the time, couldn't. Thankfully it didn't last but I well remember being on the outside looking in.

I'm really sorry for your daughter, Peachmelba. It seems harsh that her 'friends' are not supportive. However one thing I learned is that not everyone is able to bear the problems of others, it is actually unrealistic to expect them to understand, especially when they are young which your daughter and her friends are.

This will change as she gets older. Just give her lots of love and support and encourage her with activities which she likes and is good at.

Do you have relatives whom you see, who are friendly with your daughter and with whom she feels comfortable?

Thank you, I have tried to talk to her about how they may think she doesn't want to be there with them if she doesn't talk but she then thinks I'm blaming her, I will try again though . I'll take a look at the book you have recommended too.

Really feel for you op. Anxiety is so debilitating. The blocking her and then re-adding her is appalling behaviour. However anxiety can, unfortunately, irreparably damage relationships and people don't always know how to cope with a friend with mh problems, especially at the age of your dd's friends. People won't always accept it. It needs professional help, and work from within , from your dd herself.

I would really recommend that you encourage your daughter to go back to a professional, as anxiety can be a sloppy slope, and worsen fast. Has she tried CBT? It is hugely beneficial to many anxiety sufferers. Could you research therapists in your area with a good reputation? Order her a book in the meantime, there are so many online.

Try to encourage a routine with good food and sleep as best you can. Involve the school when she returns, if you haven't already. Maybe they could encourage her to speak to someone?

Sending strength, I know how hard it is, especially if she is slow to change and sensitive to criticism/advice

This is so sad for her, but you need to remember her peers are also kids and this is difficult for them to understand and deal with. To put it bluntly they want to go and have fun and having someone in the group who doesn’t talk or join in is really difficult at any age.

This is going to be something she needs to get treatment for and understand the solution is on her as even grown ups will eventually do the same when she’s an adult.

I think thr key here is not the friends, it’s getting her help and helping her see that she needs to engage with treatment.

Thanks everyone, I've had another talk with dd and I've been quite blunt with her and explained that she needs to get help with her anxiety. There were lots of tears but she has agreed to go to counselling again so it's a step in the right direction.

That's great op , well done. Your poor dd. She can get though this with the right support, and I wish you both the best.

Aww well done, OP. I hope she gets to see someone she feels comfortable with. I really feel for her.