Teen mental health - love bomb? Or discipline?

[Noregrets78]

This is an almost daily dilemma. DD is 16, history of depression, ADHD, suicide attempts and self harm.
Progressing now to damaging property for various reasons - due to self harm, to try to get at sharp objects, or sometimes just to relieve pressure.
She's telling me there should be consequences and I should be punishing her. Presumably as another way of hurting herself!
I never do, but I wonder if I'm a total walk over. Right now I have a smashed window to deal with. I can sort it or deduct from allowance. I can hug her and tell her not to worry, or say this is unacceptable behaviour. Any thoughts on approach would be great.

Oh that's difficult. I think if she smashes a window she should pay for it. She really needs help, doesn't she, the poor girl. And you, too. It must be incredibly stressful.

What consequence does she think is acceptable for destruction of property.

All the scary self harm aside getting children to decide on what behaviour is acceptable and what consequences should be is a good strategy.

You don't have to agree to flog her but she is asking you to help her set boundaries

I think you can do both ? Interesting she is telling you there should be consequences. I think you can understand her upset and emotional needs but also say this way of managing it isn't ok. It sounds exhausting , hope you have got some good support around you.

Look at therapeutic parenting. It is gentle and you can lovebomb alongside it.
It uses natural or logical consequence rather than punishment.
For example if she keeps smashing windows the natural consequence is the window is smashed, for safety reasons it needs to be replaced or boarded up. Either she would need to pay for repairs or the money would come from the family budget meaning no money for wifi/netfix/holiday etc. All done in a quite matter of fact non punitive way.

She's telling you she needs boundaries and consequences to help her feel safe. I would listen to her.
You don't have to take away love, give her loads of it. You can still love her but tell her her behaviour is wrong and that there are consequences for that behaviour.

Thank you - I'll take a look at the therapeutic parenting it looks good. I'm going to get her to pay for damage, agreeing with her over what period. You're so right it's not about choosing between approaches.