No support from anyone, where to turn to ?

[yosemite78]

When my ds was 4, he disclosed sexual abuse by his father. Prior to this, he displayed some sexualised behaviour and became afraid of watching the tv. He is now 7 years old and did not see his dad until June this year, after almost 3 years of no contact. This is the length of time it took for family court to conclude there was no risk posed by dad as no findings were made. Within 2 weeks of seeing dad again, dS became showing signs of anxiety and suddenly became afraid of the tv and screens in general. I am not saying I believe abuse is happening as I was present during contact for the first 2months. But my gut is telling me seeing dad again has resurfaced something possibly but ds is very guarded.
It is now almost 6 months I’ve been witnessing this behaviour and it makes me very sad to see such a profound change in my boy. What makes me feel worse is the complete lack of support by professionals. I have tried contacting his school on numerous occasions and no one gets back to me. Today, after weeks of trying I finally got to speak to a gp. However, this was not the gp familiar with the background and she said she is going to contact children’s services, despite me telling her I do not want that. I am not making allegations of abuse, I just want some support for my ds who is clearly struggling with his mental health. I Hoped the gp May think a referral to children’s psychology would be an appropriate route, not children’s services! I am worried this will do more harm than good. Can anyone offer any advice as I am almost at breaking point myself? Thanks

@yosemite78 I wish I could give legal advice. I can't. I wish I could reach out to you and your DS. Also wish I could reach the family court who decided a little boy should be made to spend time with the man who sexually abused him.

Sometimes, somebody needs to cordially shake some judges by the neck.

Having his mummy present during the ordeal might stop further physical assault, but it gives the message that mummy is in some way agreeing it is o.k. for him to be with a paedophile.
The child is not mentally ill. The child is being forced by a deranged legal system to be face to face with his assailant.

There must be some way to bring this back to court with proper representation. The court seems to have taken the view that a sexual assault could not have happened, because it wasn't proved in court to have happened.
Well, it did happen. Your child could not have given much more proof than his sexualised behaviour, his fears, his distress, and for heaven's sake his actual disclosure.

Just in case there was room for doubt (and there wasn't) the way the child is behaving after forcibly meeting the assailant is exactly a textbook double proof. He was telling the truth. Of course he was. Small children do tell the truth about sexual abuse.

Can you get in touch with child abuse organisations? You need help to refuse to let the assailant near your child again because it is court-ordered child abuse.

If anyone was forced to sit with a person who had sexually abused them, they would not understand a world where they were so unprotected, and their assailant so abetted. They would not be mad. They would be extremely distressed and bewildered, their safety in the world taken away, even their own mother knowing about it and yet allowing it.

Really this repeat of the original distressed behaviour is new evidence. It is evidence for court. Not evidence to have your son branded mentally deranged.
It would be grounds to justify suspending compliance with the misguided court order, until such time as proper representation at a court can be made.

Everyone would normally have to obey court, but it is clearly unreasonable for you to collude with secondary re-triggering abuse of your own child, by forced contact with his paedophile assailant.

I wish I knew the best organisations to help you, but there's childline and any of the children's charities, and there are possibly sources of information on N.A.P.A.C. and Havoca, who specialise in all the adults who were abused as children.

Family courts should not be secret. Their customers could be strictly anonymous but the judges should have bright light on them.
Can you imagine if the papers were reporting a child being ordered to visit one of the famous paedophiles?
Well, just as the great majority of adult rapists are known to the victim, so the great majority of paedophiles practice on their own children.
Your dc was abused from infancy, not by someone called Jimmy Savill, but by someone called 'daddy'.

I just thought of one good thing about Covid19. You could use it to dodge out of contact, and so to buy time while you get legal backing to suspend contact and get the order overturned. The next meeting date might be just when either you or your son had a covid scare and needed to isolate.

Sorry, I was so shocked on your son's behalf, I neglected your point of view. The mothers here will share horror at how it is for you yourself to be ordered to see the man who did that to your child, let alone to be ordered to force the child to see him too.

@20mumThank you so so much for your reply. It was just what I needed to wake up to as I went to bed feeling slightly mad and paranoid.

The family court is the worse place to try and protect a child from abuse and I agree, the judges do need a spotlight shining on them. I just have to be thankful that the judge didn’t conclude I had fabricated my child’s allegations to prevent contact. But the advisors for the court, Cafcass, are just as bad!

Most recently, I was threatened with a psychological evaluation to see if I was suffering from a disorder which prevented me accepting the findings that dad did not abuse son. Thankfully I didn’t have to have this but if I had somehow ‘failed’, cafcass recommended the court should consider transferring residency of child. You can imagine the shock and horror upon reading this, I almost passed out! I have to be really careful what I say because of this, cafcass are aware of the behaviours ds is displaying but appear to sweep it under the carpet.

The reason I thought child psychology was an appropriate route was not to diagnose a mental condition in ds, but wondered if they would be able to recognise he had experienced a trauma in the past and his behaviour was related to this. I don’t know really, I have no idea how to proceed as it’s killing me sending ds once a fortnight to his abuser. I just wish ds would tell someone else what he may remember from when he was 4. That is the only way I shall ever be able to protect him as I do not think I can take it back to court to stop contact. Cafcass are the ones forcing him to go and I’ve tried to tell them ow it is affecting my ds but of course they make up lots of reasons for his behaviour and will not acknowledge anything abuse related. It’s terrible...

Gosh how absolutely terrible for you - what about phoning the nspcc? Or I can just see the person up thread have recommended two organisations.
It’s beyond belief - I’m so sorry for you and your poor child.
Are the visits still supervised?
What about posting on the Legal thread too?
Did your son have any play therapy offered to him?
He could benefit from this.

@Whydidimarryhim thanks for your reply. My son was offered absolutely nothing. No therapy whatsoever when he was 4 and made the disclosure. Several people have spoke about play therapy and I wish I had known about it back then as I’m sure it would have helped. Now 3 years has passed, I still am not being offered any support because cafcass just want to ignore all my child’s behaviour to promote contact. What really disappoints me right now is after several attempts to contact school teacher and safeguarding officer over the last couple of months and neither have been in touch. It makes me feel so alone and depressed as I just wanted to know if they have noticed any of the behaviours I am witnessing at home.

As so often, for instance fighting for a disabled child to get education, it is mother versus authority in a war.

The enemy has a weak spot, because their system depends on ticking boxes. You record every attempt to contact them, and your reasonable explanation of why it is important and how urgent it is. Make sure everything is, ideally, impossible to deny. e.g. don't have a private word, when you can email or better still send a recorded letter. If any contact happens, don't only write a journal of it, but write confirming it.
The request for play therapy or any other therapy deemed suited for a sexually abused child can be repeated and repeated and directed at every possible source of help. In the end, either someone will crack and give the therapy, or at least your record of desperately but calmly and reasonably asking will provide evidence in itself.
Also, you have the evidence going on in your own home, which you can film.
You have the evidence of the two times when your abused child demonstrated the typical behaviour of a paedophile victim, and this was in fact noted by other people.
It isn't an area I'm informed on, but I do know there are things like specialist units filming play with sexually explicit dolls. This, of course, should have been done at the time of the first disclosure, but maybe it is not too late.
Ask and ask all the child charities and get specialist advice.
Your child is lucky he has you, and you can and will be his army general . It is horrible you have been fighting alone and isolated and unadvised and unsupported. The court process was perverted by a pervert to access his victim.

Your post has made me feel I cannot imagine what you and your poor ds are going through the courts are a disgrace. Just a thought because I’ve got no legal advice is any chance you could record some of the more obvious behaviours ie his fear of the tv his reaction to it I really don’t have the advice you need but couldn’t read and run I hope justice is served and you and your son are spared from any more pain.

No advice to give as going through something similar but mine luckily has no contact but I have literally begged for support and nothing it’s beyond and I’m totally lost and desperate. Sending a huge hand hold you will get him through this but look after yourself too it’s so so hard

The brutal fact is that Cahms is understaffed , so only children that are self harming get into the system
In your shoes I would
Demand the school reply and advise if they have acess to services , be very blunt and provide context

Research every charity dealing with CSA and ask if they have resources and advice

Pay for a child therapist with experience in CSA , sadly these services are hard to obtain

Also read any books that are well recommended , I often watch the authors on your tube or Ted talks

This is a lot of work I know
And addition you will be trying to keep son from dad

Please also write a detailed written statement , stating how he was before the contact and how he was afterwards

I send you strength OP

Oh and don’t discount the referral
Engage , they can provide acess to support and groups you might not be aware of
I’ve found them supportive

So Be hopeful they can help and provide support , there is help but it’s hard to find

This is heart breaking and let's hope now the domestic abuse bill is going through it will raise legal awareness, for future courts.
Seems the advice makes a lot of sense. As well as filming him at his best, maybe film at his most distressed, to back up what your own diary notes are recording?
Paying for that private expert specialist report could be worth gold, for you and DS.