My daughter thinks there's something wrong with her

[dildeewana]

My daughter is 8. Last night she broke her heart to me and my husband saying she thinks there's something wrong with her. She says that her brain doesn't work like other people's and that she feels so different to other children.

Then she said that she thinks she has a behavioural problem. That she feels like a bad kid when she reacts. She says that sometimes she thinks and does things that get her told off and even when she tried to be good, she can't. She says she says things that she can't always control and this frustrates and angers her. She said she hates herself and thinks that she's stupid. Sometimes she bites or sucks hard on her arms or hands out of frustration or anger.

When talking about her thought processes, she says her brain is like a box with lots of lidded compartments. When there's a lot going on around her, the boxes all open and she can't find the box she's supposed to be listening to. She says that her brain gets really noisy and she tries to find the kids but can't. She then acts out by shouting, screaming, lashing out or hiding to get away from it all. I was quite taken aback by how she could articulate these feelings.

We have never discussed it with her but we have suspected for some time she may have ADHD or similar. We were even looking at private assesment clinics a few months ago but didn't go with it because of Covid.

This is my kid desperately asking for help isn't it?

I have already arranged a telephone call with her teacher for tomorrow in the hope she can speak to the school counsellor. Would I be able to go to the GP about her but not have her present to talk about it?

Hi
That must be heartbreaking for you.

My daughter is scratching her arms because she feels angry at herself for feeling certain emotions, she said she thinks there’s something wrong with her but couldn’t articulate it. Your daughter sounds very emotionally aware and it’s a great step that she’s opened up to you so well.

I didn’t get any help from the doctor so am going through the school.

Thank you Sunshine. I contacted her teacher two has been really wonderful. She has referred us to the school counselling service and is going to do more wellbeing activities with her at school. She has seemed very sad this week. I think it took a lot for her to talk to us about it. I hope that by telling us, she feels like doesn't have to hide how she's feeling so much - so we are noticing that she's sad more often. But, we are having good times as well.

I do hope that you get somewhere with your child's school.

She sounds like me.

I also felt enormous pressure to be “good” all the time as a child, and would hate myself if I made a mistake or an error, no matter how small. The fear of making mistakes was paralysing. It was almost like a diet- i’d decide I’d be “good”, try really hard, but inveitably do something and ruin everything. Cry, self loathing, then starting again determined to really be good this time.

I also felt others would not like me if I wasn’t good. Even the biting myself, and wishing I was brave enough to properly hurt myself, but also knowing that would upset others and they would be angry with me- ie it was a bad thing.

The boxes too. I have a hearing issue as well which means i can’t filter and need to concentrate on what I’m hearing. I can’t hold a conversation and watch tv for example, and trying too really upsets me. People get upset with me for not listening to them when I’m trying to do something else, but I just can’t do it.

I’ve never had help, and wouldn’t do so now. I do think you are doing the right thing. As she’s so articulate I would take her with you to the GP, phone first and ask if there is a MH or child specialist, or if they can refer you direct. But you may need to let her have control.

Oh gosh bluebluezoo. Your experiences sound really tough.

She does set herself very high standards and really struggles with self loathing if she gets ever the most minute detail wrong. Amazingly her teacher also picked up on this, so when we talked on the phone last week she mentioned some resilience work that she could do with her.

It's funny you mentioned your hearing. She failed the infant hearing test and although we were back and forth the ENT for nearly two years, her hearing wasn't considered bad enough to need hearing aids. The teachers are aware of this and try and seat her close to them because she does struggle with background noise.

I'm sorry that you went through similar bluebluezoo.

funny you mentioned your hearing. She failed the infant hearing test and although we were back and forth the ENT for nearly two years, her hearing wasn't considered bad enough to need hearing aids. The teachers are aware of this and try and seat her close to them because she does struggle with background noisW

This is interesting. My hearing deteriorated as an infant- by 3 I was nearly deaf and had urgent surgery.
My hearing is now technically fine when tested. The issue is apparently because language and hearing develops so fast in the early years, my brain effectively rewired itself to focus on one thing only, and I subconsciously lip read. I wasn’t even aware of the lip reading until I needed glasses and realised I can’t hear without my glasses on!

It does make it harder I think when you’re that Type A perfectionist, it’s easy to lose focus and miss an instruction, or sometimes I struggle with a lot of instructions as It takes my brain a minute to process what it hears. I have an annoying habit of asking someone to repeat what they’ve said then suddenly understanding it before they start!

I definitely think having someone to work with me and tell me it was OK to mess up would have helped. It sounds like school are on the ball as well :)

Please also google infant reflexes not going dormant - these can mimic traits of ADHD and aspergers etc in relation to having over sensitive senses.
At 8 children begin to realise they are part of a larger world and it can lead to them feeling overwhelmed.

She sounds really self-aware and articulate OP, and that puts her and you all as a family in a really strong position for finding strategies that will be helpful going forward.

Sounds like ADHD to me, your daughter is obviously very bright and articulate. Two of my sons have ADHD, diagnosed much later as they were not particularly hyper or naughty and did not have your daughter's facility for describing what goes on in her head.