Really at the end of my patience

[Rae36]

This is just a rant really, because I have to keep things level headed on the outside. DS aged 14 has issues with anxiety.

He got a new iPad from school today. He needs to set it up. The first thing he needs to do is look at the wifi router which has a sticker on it with the network password on.

He has decided that the sticker is not there and he has no way of knowing what the password is, so he's stomping around the house shouting about what an idiot I am and how he might as well just chuck the iPad away because it's useless because the sticker doesn't exist. The sticker is 100% definitely there and it 100% definitely has the password on it. All he has to do is bend down and look.

I know I could just bend down and look and tell him the password but somehow that feels like it's ignoring the fact that he is being completely unreasonable and letting this behaviour be accepted as normal. Or should I just avoid all tension and tell him the password? I never know what to do for the best in these situations where he is clearly being ridiculous (anxious).

This is just the latest in a long line of anxiety related behaviour, where he insists something is wrong, something is not done properly, something is not working, something is broken beyond repair, complete over-reaction. He just won't listen to reason at all. He would rather lose the iPad than admit he is wrong.

I think this is anxiety rather than arrogance, although I see it could be both. Once he's said something he can't go back on it. It's the same as his issues with plans, once we have made a plan we can't possibly go back on it. Same thing here.

He has been having some CBT sessions, he's probably had 7 by now, and I think he feels they make a difference at the time, but I'm just not sure he is mature enough to use any of the techniques in the heat of the moment when he's feeling stressed. He's got another session next week. I will email the counsellor in advance and give a few examples of his recent behaviour.

He's been so much better all of lockdown when he had no pressure to go anywhere or do anything, but now school and other activities are starting up again I can feel his anxiety rising. He switches in the blink of an eye from calm, mature and reasonable to denying the existence of a sticker that is quite plainly there in front of his face.

What would be the next level up if we feel CBT is not working? Does anyone have any tips? We have arranged this privately using dh's work health insurance while ds sits on the CAMHS non-urgent waiting list. He's not going to be seen there any time soon so we're on our own really.

Sorry you haven't got any responses. Afraid I don't have any real experience. One thing that struck me- have you ever heard of PDA? It's often seen in people with Autism. It struck a chord when you described your boys behavior.

Anyway, best of luck x

I wondered about PDA as well.

He sounds very rigid in his thinking, which could be down to lots of things, though, including anxiety.

I guess the next level up would be assessment from a psychologist, who you’d have to find privately. It does sound disabling if he can’t do something like connect an iPad to WiFi.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it must be very wearing.

My first thought was PDA and possible ASD...

I didn’t want to just scroll by and not respond as not many people have so far. You’re not being unreasonable to not tell him the password when you’ve clearly explained his next steps.

Hi! This sounds really tough! It doesn't really sound like anxiety to me though, why do you think it is? I agree with PP that his behaviour sounds like it might have elements of PDA. Good luck!

He's just anxious. It's new, he needs the iPad set up and he's let it overwhelm him, he needs your help to regulate himself ( even though I totally empathise with you not wanting to sort it)

I'm not sure about PDA, I think it's over diagnosed on Mumsnet although it may certainly be ASD.

Take a photo of the sticker with the code on it and text it to him. ? Maybe it's this code, do you want to try it and let me know. If not we can keep looking.

Let him know you're in his corner. Then sometime on the weekend when all is calm talk through things again, focusing on what can be learned from this ... taking your time, calmly asking for help etc

Sorry you were asking about the bigger picture.
Read a bit about rigid thinking, theory of mind, ASD etc. Does any of it sound familiar?
Whatever the issues I think kids respond better if we can support them to reduce anxiety, build confidence, then gradually step back as they prove to themselves they can solve a problem or manage a situation.
Not always easy being the parent though!

Thanks for your replies.

I know he was just worried, he really wanted to get the ipad setup right and he was anxious and he was behaving irrationally as a consequence. It has passed, the ipad is all set up.

But these mini anxiety attacks happen 10 times a day and they are so wearing.

He has a diagnosis of GAD, I could give a million examples of more typical anxiety related behaviours, this was just the thing that pushed all my buttons yesterday.

Unfortunately there's no more NHS help for him until he gets significantly worse, the CAMHS urgent waiting list here is massive, never mind the non urgent list.

I felt better having written it all down yesterday. One day at a time, one anxiety attack at a time. It will all pass, right?

Take a photo of the sticker with the code on it and text it to him. ? Maybe it's this code, do you want to try it and let me know. If not we can keep looking

That's a good way. Sometimes in the heat of the moment I can't think how to diffuse a situation.

DD1 who’s 14 and has ASD is like this. In between she can articulate that it is anxiety that makes her act that way. Once she’s in that zone she can’t get out of it.

I take away the anxiety. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do as like you I would like her to learn how to deal with it herself. But she can’t do it so we get into a cycle of more and more anxiety.

I would have read out the password. It avoids a situation I know causes anxiety. This means there’s less anxiety for other things so she can do more. When she can do more, she’s happier because she doesn’t want to be anxious.