My DS, 16, keeps insisting that my DD, 14 (15 in Aug) exhibits traits of autism or Asperger's, which has led her to suspect she may have Asperger's or autism when she did extensive research on ASD (research of her various and newest interests really is typical of her). My DS was tested for ASD in primary school, but it turned out that he didn't have it but had many traits that made teachers suspect he had it.
After some extensive research of my own, I must admit that she exhibits many of the traits exhibited by teenagers on the spectrum.
Her matching traits are:
-Very intense and deep obsessions with certain things. For her, three that spring to mind are pop culture/movies and TV shows (she's recently become obsessed with GoT and NCIS), very specific groups of animals (such as reptiles and amphibians ('herptiles, as she often reminds me) and octopi), and true crime.
-I've noticed that she has trouble making friends without her existing friends (which she made with the help of her BFF from primary) helping her make friends. She tends to chat with people with similar interests online. She's on good terms with many of her peers, who are endeared to her by her cynical sense of humour, but she doesn't like to admit that she likes any of them.
-She hates/struggles making eye contact with me and others without profusely blinking, which worsens when she's nervous/overwhelmed.
-She doesn't tell me that she loves me, and doesn't like affection. She's hit me for trying to hug her before.
-She finds it hard to deal with loud noises, crowds and bright lights.
-She worries too much about EVERYTHING, especially when she's about to experience/do something new. She was on the verge of a panic attack the night before she had her first session back at school.
-Even before quarantine, she hardly goes out with her friends, and prefers to just stay at home on weekends/during the holidays.
Other traits of hers I suspect could be caused by autism are:
-Her new fascination with playing with sponges. She loves the smell of them, but loathes the scrubby side.
-She likes to tell us 'interesting' facts she's learned, such as teaching us about the flutes in cardboard boxes.
-She refuses to eat out of a certain bowl or off of a plate with pictures on it because 'it makes her feel sick' because 'it reminds her of filthy kids'.
-She often mistakes me looking indifferent as me being sad or angry at something she's done.
-She gets irritated by incorrect grammar, 'idiocy' and when someone says something she knows is incorrect.
-She has trouble getting words out some days, which either results in her stammering them out or not being able to say what she wants to.
-She's often oblivious to when I, my DH or DS are getting bored with what she's talking about (her passion is admirable though).
-Her voice is often monotonous/slightly monotone when she's reading or talking about/explaining something for an extensive amount of time. Someone told her that her voice was 'depressing'.
-She has the tendency to repeat things/conversations. The other day, she kept starting different conversations with my DS by saying 'I can't decide if I'd like to do forensic science or criminal psychology at university'.
-She's got an excellent memory and attention to detail, and will often remember or notice things that most people would forget or overlook.
-She often responds to praise (e.g. "You did so well on your chemistry exam." or "You look nice.") with "I know."
-Even though she's definitely eccentric/unconventional, she often seems oblivious to when people are bewildered/confused by what she's said. She can tell if/when people are judging her, but sometimes struggles to understand what she's said/done 'wrong'.
-She dreads having to talk to any family members outside of me, DH, DS and her gran (my mum). She's spent so many weekends/holidays with my sister and her two sons (16 and 19), but she HATES having to talk to them.
-She often hates overtly expressing when she's happy or excited, since she often behaves quite indifferently, apathetically and cynically/realistically.
-She's very, very bright (in her academic lessons, she achieves 7s and 8s) but often gets frustrated with art because she gets 4s and 5s in it, and makes her not want to try in it, though she does try hard in it. Even though it's the subject she needs the least, she fixates on it because it's her lowest grade and thinks that it makes her 'mediocre' and she thinks that mediocrity=failure. She's also in top set maths and achieves a 7 in it, but can struggle at aspects of it to the point of her feeling like a failure.
-As shown before, she has low self-esteem in some of her academic achievements, and also in her appearance at times. She usually acts confident or as though she doesn't care about others' opinions, but she really does have low self-esteem about the aforementioned things.
(I may have missed a few traits, but I'm a little too tired to remember them lol)
However, I'm not sure if I should get her tested since she may just be an eccentric girl with a number of quirks. I've listed the above traits so that parents of children with autism/adults with experience around children with autism can give their input.
I'm not sure if it would have much/any benefit to her other than labelling her. I wouldn't love her any less if she had Asperger's or autism, but I wouldn't want her to feel insecure or as though she doesn't fit in if she was diagnosed with either of them. I'm also afraid that my DH would think I was overreacting if I got her tested. However, I really would like to know if/how the diagnosis would benefit her.
She doesn't exhibit all of the common traits, though, such as not understanding sarcasm and being inadvertently impolite. She can be impolite, but she often knows that what she's said is impolite and really doesn't care. She's also very good at empathising with others, but needs an explanation as to WHY they're feeling sad/angry/etc otherwise she doesn't understand. Sometimes, we'll be watching a show and she'll ask something like 'why's he crying?' when something obviously sad (e.g. bereavement or divorce). Basically, she doesn't seem to empathise with others unless she knows why they're feeling the way that they feel.
A little off topic, but she's been suffering from panic attacks for almost 3 years (they're often triggered by exam stress, when it's too loud or overwhelming in PE/a classroom or a fear of embarrassing herself due to people thinking she's 'stupid), and she has been recovering from self-harm for almost a year now, but I didn't know if her mental health was something that needed to be looked at by a GP because her school's pastoral team claimed that they were going to set up meetings between her and the school counsellor (which never happened) and never advised me to visit the doctor. I know that these are unrelated to her and her ASD traits, but I thought they were worth mentioning.
I just don't know what to do, since I'm not sure if she needs to be tested for anything. DH isn't that educated in/comfortable discussing mental health due to being a bit ignorant, so she hates bringing anything up when he's home. I really need some advice as to whether or not it's worth getting her tested when it could all just be for nothing.
I'd also like your opinions as to whether or not it's likely she has it/should get tested, and how you'd recommend going about it.
I'm really sorry if I've come off as ignorant/irresponsible throughout this, but I'm not well-educated in this area. Please feel free to correct me on anything, or explain anything that might be useful.