How do I stop my teenager from killing himself?

[AnaisAna]

In chat so this disappears.

Just that really. He’s 14 - broken home. Lockdown etc. Destructive behaviours spirally and I been advised to strip his room of anything he could harm himself with.

Anyone that has been through similar I could really use some pointers...

Spiralling

I'm so sorry. Is CAHMS involved? If not,could you take him to the GP? Although that usually has a big wait.
If that isn't a choice, would you consider looking into impatient services?
the priory group offers one.
www.priorygroup.com/priory-treatment-programmes/residential-inpatient-treatment
my cousin said going impatient was a turning point for her (she went impatient 3 times, so it can take more than one stay +therapy once you come out)

all the best x

Can you contact the GP and demand he gets seen by CAHMS today?

Stress that you are very worried and will hold them personally responsible if he comes to any harm.

I've been through it (though maybe not as bad). My high-achieving son, went off the rails after his dad attacked and tried to kill us.

He first started cutting himself (and to be honest CAHMS were shit! They advised art therapy which didn't help one bit).

He spiralled until he took an overdose, then I went out of my way with affirmations of love, sounds crazy, but in his darkest hours, I let him know that no matter what, I would love him.

He did end up cutting his arm extremely badly a few years later, and needed surgery, but discharged himself from the hospital. The police tried to help, but the CMHT were shit!

That day I phoned them and said unless they assessed him and kept him safe I would hold them responsible! They did admit him voluntarily (but with the threat of a section if he left), and he had surgery. It was the wake-up call he needed.

My son has since been diagnosed with Asperger's, and I think he felt a failure, unable to protect himself and me, and was a walking storm of feelings he was unable to express and understand. The world can be a scary place for teens, and they are not able to make sense of their feelings.

Is there anything the two of you enjoy doing together? Try to distract and 'ground' him, until he is able to process how he is feeling?

Sorry I'm not any use, but please demand he is seen and listen to him

Posts in chat aren't deleted anymore. You need to post on 30 days only etc if that's what you want to happen. Report your post and ask MNHQ to move it.

What triggers his behaviour? (Thoughts, feelings, external triggers)
There’s online courses to help him and you learn to challenge the thoughts and manage the emotions. Look at ways to avoid/ minimise the external triggers.
What behaviours are they, and what does he get from them? (Release of emotions, communicate how he feels?) How else can he get this?
What helps? What makes him feel better? (Alternate release of emotion, talking, being with people/ alone, distraction, relaxation)

He’s a people pleaser. Won’t tell me what’s really going on as doesn’t want to upset me.

DH left end of last year - emotionally abusive relationship.

He runs, plays guitar, skates, draws and paints. We have most evenings together (other DC are much younger) and we’ll either chat or watch TV.

He’s very good at playing the part of ‘perfectly happy son’ no matter how many times I tell him I want him to be open and honest.

GP / CAHMS been entirely useless in the past - loathe to try again. Will take a look at the priory, thank you.

Is there anyone else he could talk to? Lots of teens (and older) struggle to tell their parents as they don’t want to worry them/ let them down.
Or could he work through those questions himself and just let you know what helps/ doesn’t?
Whereabouts are you (PM if you want?) as services differ across the country?

Do you know if he wants to kill himself or is it more self harm?

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, you must be going out of your mind. If you feel that he is at immediate risk of harm you can present at A&E and they will have to assess, and possibly admit, him. It seems scary but it is probably the fastest route to treatment, and it is an emergency. I hope your son can get the help he needs

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. The internet can be very damaging for vulnerable teens - is he using it much? Young minds (I think) do a callback service for parents.

Would going back to school help (you mentioned lockdown was a problem)?
My ds has just gone back due to internet related behaviour issues and is much happier. (Only 3-6 children in a day so low risk!) Schools have the flexibility to classify children who are struggling as vulnerable and offer a place.

His school finishes this week anyway.

We have been to A&E This week and they have referred to social services.

He hasn’t had his phone or any unsupervised access to the internet since last month due to an issue there.

He is absolutely on self destruct and only one place it will end

Multi systemic therapy got my teen through this stage.

It’s NHS funded but not available everywhere - if no MST in your area ask SS to refer you for family therapy instead.

Keep reminding him that how he feels now is a temporary life stage. He will not feel this way forever.

14-15 was my son’s lowest point but he’s 20 next week and life is much better for both of us.

Lock up anything dangerous. especially blades - our MST practioner gave me a large cash box type thing but I have since gotten a secure lock on a kitchen drawer.

I learned a lot through MST that made me a better parent for the younger two. It’s a big commitment but really worthwhile - they essentially teach you how to be your child’s therapist - so unlike other services, when discharge comes you are truly equipped to cope alone.

We're just moving this thread over to our Child Mental Health topic for the OP.

We're really sorry you're going through such a worrying time. Please do take a look at Mind's website as they have lots of information and support available to children who are struggling with mental health issues during lockdown - Support for children and young people.

Here too is a link to our Mental Health webguide which lists lots of other organisations which can offer support in real life, including the Samaritans - their helpline number is 116 123 and is available, free, 365 days a year.

We really hope your DS is okay.

I'm a youth worker and we are still working but working via phone, email, internet and doing 121s. See if you have a youth company in your area as they can provide support pretty quickly.

As a PP mentioned could he go back to school?

Is there a teacher he is fond of that you can contact and ask them to give him a ring for a chat?
Sometimes it is easier talking to someone who's not in the family.

In terms of day to day - what should I do.
Keep his phone or let him have it back?
What can I say to him to help?

What is he doing with his phone?

I think it would be very isolating to be a teen without one right now. Can you lock it down so it can only be used for some agreed activities/websites and nothing else?

Or put a timer on so he has x hours each day?

MST taught me to set rules and apply them consistently, but be sure the rules are appropriate to what you are trying to achieve.

Be really consistent about sanctions for transgressed boundaries, but don’t make the disproportionate to the problem and don’t necessarily enforce them immediately (because emotions are high). Instead of taking a phone indefinitely and without warning, say ‘I am taking your phone for x time period, starting from x time tomorrow morning’.

If he feels lonely at home during lockdown, no phone could isolate him further. Think about how you can prevent the thing that lost him his phone but also keep him connected to friends?

It can take a while to learn all the functions but there is loads you can do to block some stuff and allow other bits.

My son used to get upset over video games, so I learned to limit the types of games in the house - the long-narrative, collect-stuff games and build-a-world games didn’t impact on his mood in the same way that sports/shooter/level up games did.

Think about what has happened in the immediate lead up to the last few episodes of distress (work backwards from the upset) and figure out what you can change to avoid the same situation occurring again.

I even changed the colour of his curtains and rug to something that worked better for his mood (from red and navy to yellows and greens).

Let him know you aren’t cross, even if it can seem that way- you’re just scared for him. Let him know everyone, you included, struggles with feelings sometimes. Let him know you’re proud of him, and that nothing can change that. Let him know that you are open to change things to make things better, but you need him to help work out what to change. Let him know everything is an option (phone included!) but you need to figure out together what’s going on.