Suicidal and angry 10 year old

[Treacle200]

I don't know where to start. Over the last 6 months my just turned 10 year old boy started showing signs of real emotional distress whilst at his dad ( we split over 6 years ago) , when going to his dads or returning. There were a couple of incidents where he threatened his dad with a knife and also put a knife to his own chest. I tried to speak to his Dad but he was very dismissive. I told his dad I thought he needed to see a counsellor but his dad was very resistant. I ended up going beind his dad's back and taking my son to the counsellor (whole other story).

Around 2 weeks ago things came to a head after my son returned from his dad's very distressed. I spoke to school, the GP, my sons counsellor and social services and they all urged me to take 'protective action'... So I've stopped contact with his dad. They offered no further assistance than that. I'm going through mediation with the ex now about contact. The counsellor advised me that had I not have contacts social services myself, then she would have done it herself (same with GP).

My children are emotionally manipulated by their dad. He makes them feel very guilty and ashamed of themselves. It hits my son hard and he internalises it. My daughter is more vocal about it which I think helps her to cope.

The last few days have been horrific with my son. He has been very angry and it just isn't who he is. I don't recognise him. My loving little boy has turned in to a ball of rage and its directed all at me.... He wants to kill me, he hates me, I'm not his mother, I'm ugly, I don't love him, I don't want him, he is going to kill himself (I have to lock windows and hide knives). I had to lock myself in the bathroom with him trying to break the door down just to call his councellor (who he wouldn't speak to). He's tried to hit and kick me.

An hour later he is asking to snuggle on the sofa, he loves me... As if none of it ever happened.

He is very conscious that he doesn't want anyone to know about his poor behavior. If I phone someone, he goes silent until I hang up.

I don't know how to help him..... Its breaking us both. Anyone been through this... Any words of wisdom?

Sorry I didn’t want to read and run, I don’t have any real advice to offer but it sounds so hard for you and I am sorry you’re having to piece together your little boy whilst he’s acting in such a dangerous manner

It’s good that you’ve taken the steps you have already and from what you have described this behaviour is likely a manifestation of what his Dad has put him through. As you say he’s internalised a lot of anger and sadly when children do that, they tend to lash out at the parent they actually feel safer with. I know I did when I was a child (raised by my Grandparents - exposed to things no child should be by my parents prior to living with said Grandparents).

I can offer what I believe was going through me at the time but it may not be the same for your DS. I used my anger horribly, but I felt my whole world was out of my control. My Grandparents were as consistent and caring as they could be when they finally won custody of me and my brother, but there was a lot of damage and the more they remained calm and assured me they loved me and that they would never leave me, I pushed and pushed and pushed back because I suppose I didn’t want to believe them.

I wanted to push them away when my anger grew to such a boiling point that I felt that even if they DID stick around, they’d probably hurt me too - even though in my lucid state I knew they wouldn’t.

Also if your son is approaching pre-pubescence or in that stage of development already, his body will be producing a lot of testosterone which is a stress hormone, it’s possible this is fanning the flames so to speak and whilst all of this might explain some parts of his behaviour, it won’t take away the fear of what you have both experienced.

You sound like a Mum who has a good head on your shoulders, I’m sorry I didn’t read this post earlier and I hope you see this, just to say this online nobody is wishing you all the best and as much strength as possible.

I hope the GP/councilling and mediation help your little boy and that things improve for you @Treacle200

To add, as difficult as my Grandparents found me, they did their level best to keep things calm and consistent - whilst not being afraid to discipline if they felt it was necessary (we’re talking 90’s here so it was physical punishment which I’m not suggesting you try). I think as much as they muddled through it, the consistency in their approach to my behaviour was key, but I can’t offer more on that sadly as my childhood memories are a bit staggered.

Navisprite, thank you so much. Deep down, I know I'm doing the best I can do, but his behaviour makes me worry that I'm getting it wrong. I found your message reassuring.

Right now we are having a snuggle and he is my usual, loving and happy boy. I'm probably in for a day like the last few, but I need to focus on these moments for now to keep me going.