Teenager self harming - next step

[InDispairThisWeek]

I had a call from the school this week saying my dd (15) was at the hospital as she had cut her arm deliberately, I got to the hospital to find she had put about 20 cuts all down her arm and wrist. Apparently it was the second time she had done this, the school knew after the first time. Later in the week she came out of school visibly upset but wouldn’t tell me what has upset her.

We’ve always had a close relationship but she just won’t talk to me. I’ve said I won’t judge and I just want to help but she won’t say anything, I do know she has spoken to some of the teachers. So I have no idea how to help her, I feel so sad and scared and angry (not at what she did, but at my helplessness and the not knowing) and I’m sure she see’s all these emotions in me.

I don’t know what the next step is, my imagination is going wild on what the problems could be and what I should do, I’m trying to be upbeat and normal with her but I’m finding it so difficult.

Any help and advice would be appreciated

Hi. Did the hospital not offer advice regarding referral for mental health support for your DD?

My DD self harms, she is receiving support from Young Minds. She won’t talk to me about the self harm, we have a safety plan, but her cuts are superficial.

You need to speak with school, they failed in their duty to safeguard your child. She should not have been taken to hospital without you. Or did she take herself?

I'm a MH specialist. The way to go is to not try and force her to stop self-harming as it will not help. It's to give her other strategies to cope.
Self harming is an expression of emotions that she can't manage or wants to feel "real".
Frozen Ribena into ice cubes so squeeze hard and melt in her hands (looks like blood and hurts) can sometimes satisfy this urge. Also using red pen to draw where she wants to cut. Adult colouring books, mindfulness, exercise, picking up a new time consuming hobby.
The school should be assisting in organising counselling/CAMHS referrals.
There may be "something" that's triggered it. It may be no plausible reason she is even aware of. Just be there, non judgmentally, ready to listen, supportive.
Sorry you're all going through this OP, remember it's a journey and it won't be gone overnight. Hugs.

For starters op, it isn't your fault. Many teenagers mask so not knowing isn't something to beat yourself up about. Supporting her starts with unconditional love.

As school are aware make an appointment to discuss her and any potential issues with head of year.

My dd started sh in year 11 in the run up to GCSEs. She was unhapoy at school and felt she was underachieving and didn't fit in. The first I knew was when she went to the GP to ask for help.

The GP reluctantly referred to camhs muttering they were useless. They were useless but diagnosed her with depression and anxiety and offered an inaccessible intervention that was inadequate and woukd have ratchetted up her stress. Both CAMHS andthe GP told me they couldn't refer privately because they didn't kniw outcomes but were happy to tell me to do something they said was unsafe.

If you have funds then get her referred to a consultant psychiatrist. If you don't you will have to be her advocate.

Get her referred to CAMHS and follow up every interraction in writing about what has been agreed and the timeframes. Keep going to the GP to get them to chase. Ask for clarity in writing about threshholds for camhs tiers and waiting times. If you can get her formal permission allowing you to act as her advocate and to be informed.

Young Minds have a parent helpline. Vicariously we also happened across Relate who are rolling out adolescent therapy nowadays and they were excellent. About £35 per session and she could dip in occasionally when she felt it was necessary.

CAMHS is under-resourced but in my area at least exceptionally badly organised so you have to be the squeaky wheel.

If she has been to A&E already presumably there was an assessment and she left woth a follow-up plan. If not find out why not, if you don't have details of the plan then request the details in writing.

My dd was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and after about six months of therapy and medication an ASD and ADHD assessment was done. She was diagnosed with ADHD (we had no idea but the puzzle made sense thereafter) and once treated turned the corner. Not saying that's why your dd is harming but I did find CAMHS were prepared only to potentially parent blame and not look much further than the end of their nose. Maximise what they will offer but be very aware their expertise is as limited as their time.

Meanwhile make sure you have support - I rang the Samaritans once just to vent.

You and your dd will get through this but the system doesn't make it easy.

Thanks everyone, that's all really good advice.

She had a complete meltdown at school last week, I took her to the doctors where dd spoke to her without me in the room, the doctor then referred her to CAMHS so I'm waiting for them to contact me although I have been told this may take a while.

In the meantime I have contacted a counsellor and I am going to pay for dd to see her for a few sessions.

Good idea about the colouring books as well, dd is very creative so we've picked up some for her and she spent a good chunk of the weekend colouring and loving it.

She's still not talking to me about the self harm although she talks to me about loads of other things, I suspect that she has self harmed more than I am aware of and it is this she told the doctor which prompted the referral to CAMHS.

It just makes me sad she won't talk to me about it as I would be able to help, but I do understand why she can't. I'm just trying to make our interactions as normal as possible, I've let her know that I am always there and will not judge at all, and of course that I love her.

Again thank you for your advice, it's gratefully received.

My dd started talking to me about the "dark" time when she was well on the way to recovery. You will only keep the channels of communication open by just being there for as long as it takes.

Phone cAMHS and make sure they have the referral; ask when it will be triaged and when apt is likely to be. If they don't give a clear answer calmly note that's una ceptable and go back to the dr.