Suicidal thoughts

[Clutterista]

Sorry, very long

I posted over in teenagers that we discovered DD1 (13) is self harming. We think it's been going on about a month so while it was still devastating I was relieved we'd found out relatively early. We've known for half that time.

She doesn't want to talk much and despite trying to be super calm and careful in our response she does her very defensive .So far so teenage. Trying to not over police etc etc. However on the couple of occasions she's got very upset and blurted out stuff she's talked about being scared about what she might do (eg walk out into the road, in front of s train).

She has shown me her arms (where she's cutting) so I can see that the cuts appear to be fewer, but longer and deeper.

Tonight, I realised that she hadn't brought her laptop out of her room when she brought her phone (we have quite a strict screens rule as she doesn't sleep well - she's autistic and struggles to switch off) but by this time it was late and I didn't want to risk disturbing her by going into her room, so I did what she knows I can do if I choose (it was our tech use deal) which is look at her various accounts to see if she was using them. I was just wanting to see times sites were visited etc but then I saw her YouTube and google history and now I don't know whether to go full A&E as she's been looking for, among other things, self harm bless that leave the fewest scars, how to cut deeper but more scarily how to slit your wrists and how to overdose.

I know that search history does not equal intention. I'm trying to be calm and rational here because we'd probably all be sectioned based on what we search for. And some of the videos she watched are called scary things but are actually self help videos by other teens.

DD1 does several out or school activities that she genuinely loves and we've been trying to keep everything as normal as possible and keep them going. She does have events around these that she's focused on (eg a show) that is hoped were giving her something to look forward to. But I know that depression operates independently of environment and this may not be enough. But if I take her to A&E and she's admitted, then all the throngs she does enjoy are taken away

I have experience of poor mental health myself so I know how deep the pit can be but also how quickly and randomly things can change. I don't know if I'll get her to school today - she was in a state on Friday so we both had the day off.

She always wore her heart on her sleeve but I now think she's keeping so much in that I feel I can't gauge how she is or trust my own judgement.

Any experience and wisdom very welcome. By and large we have a good relationship, as early teens go.

I don't have any advice as such, but am going through the same thing with my dd14, and posted a thread in Teenagers last week. I'm sorry you are going through this with your dd.

I also don't know when I should be escalating this. So far my dd has not outright admitted her self harm or disclosed any reasons for doing what she does. However I have told her that I know and left the door open to seeking help together.

Is she up for considering getting school involved? If she is happy for you to make the call to the pastoral or safeguarding officer they will be able to signpost to support. If you don't mind me asking, how do you know she's only being doing it for a month? I would be concerned that it is escalating quickly if she looks to be out to hurt herself rather than just seeking the 'relief' that cutting brings, and it certainly seems she is having intrusive thoughts. Do you think she would engage if you took her to GP?

@tobermoryisthebestwomble thanks for replying. So sorry you and your DD are going through this too.

She doesn't like doctors as they're one of the many groups of people who she feels patronise her. Ditto pastoral at school, though she did OK me talking to school last week on the oroviso it was just informing them and they wouldn't put a whole load of measures she didn't want into place. She hates it when, however well meaning, someone takes her to have a chat without warning. Luckily the safeguarding lead is great and and as I could reel off a load of organisations we'd already or we're about to talk to she was reassured that measures were being taken, so to speak .

I understand a lot of what could be going on I think, but then other aspects just baffle me. So right now she's doing an activity where she's been covering her arms for the last couple of weeks, but she's chosen not to. On the positive side it shows she doesn't mind people seeing. But does that show a healthy openness and willingness to talk, or does it show she doesn't care in a self-destructive way?

You ask how I know it's only about a month. Well firstly that's what she said and she's not great at face to face lying. I'd also suspected that something was up for about the last amount of time. I jigsawed a few bits of info that I came across (including tissues with spots of blood) and out it together abs asked her. And it fits with the messages I then found on her phone.

I guess we're lucky living in a city with some provision beyond the medical route, even though it's all over- stretched. It must be a nightmare in less populous areas.

How's this week been for you and your dd?

In the nicest possible way, your daughter won't be admitted if you go to a&e and say she's googled these things. It's very very hard to get someone admitted, especially young people.

Is there any therapeutic input?
Are there any support groups/ peer groups around mental health locally?

Tobermoray it's been a mixed bag. She was in school 4 of 5 days. I did have to take her all or part of the way all of those days though, and that's difficult with my younger one when DP has to be out very early (and he's away a couple of nights next week). But I'm now questioning everything eg is that even a good thing if school is where she feels the most under pressure/where she has to put on the biggest act. Yes her education is important and she's bright so I know what she's capable of and what doors that would open for her, but nothing's more important than her health.

We had a short but frank chat last night, after I saw that she'd cut her ankle, and she said she'd not done it for 4 days which was the longest stretch so far. I keep feeling little bits of positive but then I stumble across something new and my heart plummets again.

How about you?

PurpleFrames no but they will admit a young person who's self harming and who reports suicidal thoughts. It literally says this on the locks website - they'd be admitted to a ward until someone from psychology can see them.

And as I'd said, I know researching something and thoughts of actually doing it are very different, but when Dd has a real upset a couple of weeks back, before I'd checked her search history, she explicitly said she didn't feel she could trust herself around water/roads/railways.

I'm very torn between the softly softly approach to keep her trust and co-operation and, when I see anything new that worries me, wanting to just throw everything medical at it because my brain will leap to all those things you read where you think 'but how did the parents not know how has it was / why didn't they intervene earlier?'.

We're pursuing several avenues to get counselling and support but all these take time. She won't countenance a group setting because a) groups aren't her strong point as an Aspie & b) despite living in a large city it's a very small world, and she fears being with someone she knows. We're waiting for call backs which I hope will come next week. In the meantime we're relying on our own best endeavours and trying to keep channels of communication open.

Sorry if I've missed what the locks is?

But if only that were true as that would be probably a very good thing- I have personal and professional experience with this. You would be asked to wait until a mh nurse could come to a&e and if your daughter wanted to leave before then as it would be a long wait she could. Unless a suicide plan was started (such as taking an overdose or threats of walking out into the road from the hospital) they wouldn't detain her in a&e as this is a legal process which cannot easily be undone.

I hope you get your callbacks soon.
groups are very difficult but they are one of the most recommended therapeutic interventions for yp. Have you heard of a sooth box? It could be a good sh avoidance measure before it becomes an habitual coping strategy...