I seem to bring out the sadness in my anxious 10 year old DD

[Plipplops]

Think this might be long (and I'm not sure how to explain it properly), please be kind!

DD has had a horrible year or so. Moved school as she was being bullied which was a great move as the new school was lovely, but triggered a major bout of anxiety where she couldn't leave DH or I to go to school or to bed. With the help of a psychologist, and also DH spending HOURS working with the book 'What to do when you worry too much' she's doing loads better now (3 steps forward, 1 step back sort of thing)

When I'm not there (so she's just with DH and her sister), she's mostly happy, smiling, cartwheeling everywhere. I work a bit on the weekends so there are loads of examples of the current problem - the minute I get in the door she's sad and clingy.

I've seen the quote of something like you're their safe space, so they hold it in all day and let it out when you're there but it's so hard to deal with. DH has been fabulous at helping her through the last year (and working through her issues has meant lots of honest conversations), so I don't think she play acts happy for him, but it's exasperating for him to see his happy girl deflate when I get in.

I think it's important to validate feelings so if she ever says she's sad I give her support and reassurance, but in a 'validate it and move on' sort of way, rather than a 'lets sit for half an hour and discuss how sad you are' sort of way.

For instance, she's been doing swimming lessons for about 4 weeks now while I'm at work and while she wasn't keen to go initially had said she'd been enjoying it and according to DH looked happy enough. This Sunday I could go for the first time, she looked desperately sad the whole session and afterwards is saying she hates everything about it and doesn't want to go. It felt like she was sad because I was there as opposed to there being anything wrong with swimming?

I think it's unconscious on her part (I don't think she's playing us intentionally or anything), but would love to put a stop to it. It's really getting me down that I hear about how great and happy she's been all day, then I come home to sighing and sad faces/tears.

I'm currently having CBT for an unrelated issue and can see how it could potentially really help her, but also it's quite an effortful process (I'm engaged in getting over my issues but she's 10 and I'm not sure she'd be up for it), but wondered if there's anything DH and I can do with our behaviour?

I'm not sure I've explained that very well so thanks for sticking with me if you've got this far xx

Hi there. I seem to generate the same reaction from my 10 year old daughter. I used to think we had a close relationship - now I feel useless and depressed around her. As you posted this a while ago, can I ask, has the situation improved and how did you achieve this? I hope things are much better for you and your daughter.

Hi there, sorry for the slow reply I didn’t see the notification.

She’s doing loads better thanks, although it’s hard to tell how much is down to changes in circumstance with lockdowns etc? We were shitting ourselves about the move to senior school (since the previous school move had basically given her a breakdown), but that went pretty smoothly. I run my own business that isn’t able to operate due to covid, so I’ve only managed to work about 8 weeks in the last year and have been around loads more, and obviously nobody’s going out in the evenings or anything. So I think her life has been more predictable and easier which has helped her?

I’m not sure we did anything in particular, so it’s possibly just partly growing up a bit? She’s half way through a 6 week ‘Mind & Mood’ course run by a counselling/wellbeing group and funded by the council. It’s for kids who suffer from low mood or anxiety, and they’re zoom sessions (the kids keep their cameras off and communicate on the chat). It’s interesting because she says she knows all the techniques (and the theory of everything they talk about), but the difference now is that she’s slowly slowly starting to actually apply that knowledge. So for instance, I would read to her every night, and if I didn’t she wouldn’t be able to settle and sleep (would be coming to see us in bed for cuddles, and DH would have to go and settle her as if I did I couldn’t then leave). Now she’s doing this group we’ve set as a target that she can get to sleep without us doing reading, and without her coming out of her room. She’s managing to use the techniques to manage this, and we’re hoping that by practising this she’ll be able, whenever it’s allowed, to have a sleepover either here or somewhere else.

So it feels like progress but it’s slow. She’s still quite fragile but is definitely getting there. We always nee to keep an eye on how she’s doing and push her to make good choices? So for instance, first week of home school in January she was on 5+ hours of video lessons, in her room with the blind half shut and not managing to leave the house. By the end of the week she was a wreck, had a couple of proper wobbles. From week two onwards we’ve moved her desk to by the window, open the blind properly and make suer she’s leaving the house every day. I’m making her do little (20 minute) runs with me every other day, and she’s so much better for all of it. If she starts to slip she still can’t necessarily pull herself out of it so we need to sort of monitor her a bit?

Time will tell whether when I can go back to work (or to the pub with my friends!) things will go wrong again? I really hope it will be ok but I imagine she’ll find that difficult.

I’ve not really embraced it but you might find it useful to look at Hand In Hand Parenting if it’s not something you’ve done before? It’s sort of for younger children but a thing called Special Time, where you just focus on doing something nice with your child (I’ve not explained that very well?!). It also recognises that parenting is HARD and can be miserable, and that the parents need support too? It just might help you to do nice things together?

It’s so hard though - my husband still thinks I indulge her too much, whereas I think it’s important to validate feelings, I think we could probably meet more in the middle!

HI there and thank you for such a long reply. Really glad that things are going better for you. I will certainly try the things you recommend. I'm just hoping that at least school goes back to normal soon - it isn't doing parents or kids any good being cooped up together 24/7. Take care.