DD has been cutting herself. What can I do to help

[southofmanc]

Posting for advice on how to manage issues with DD (13, year 9). Sunday eveningg_ I noticed multiple cuts on her arm and it appears they are self-inflicted. She has been terribly behaved over the last few weeks, and her Father and I have been very annoyed with her- she had her phone and other privileges removed. Despite us asking what the problem was she maintained there wasn’t one until last night, when I noticed the cuts.

It appears that a combination of problems with friendships (her friendship group have suddenly decided she’s not cool enough), worries about school work, worries about me (I have a potentially dangerous medical issue) plus feeling that her Dad and I were always angry with her all blew up after a weekend when she arrived to meet some friends to find that no one would talk to her followed by a friend cancelling a get together with her to “spend some time with her family” and then posting lots of pictures of the great time she was having out with DD’s other friends all over social media.

There’s not much I can do about the social media although I do limit her phone use to after her homework is finished and take it away at 9.30ish for bed (this has been one of the bones of contention recently which culminated in the removal of privileges when she was caught sneaking it upstairs.) I am talking to her about resilience and focusing on other friendships with people who behave kindly, but it’s a been a lot for her to manage recently and the friendship thing is tricky- once the queen bee is cross with you then other girls tend to follow suit.

Her Father and I are attempting to be less grumpy with her despite some challenges, and I’m talking to her every day with a focus on her mental health. I’m actually gutted for her as we used to talk about everything, and this seems to have come out of nowhere, so I’m thinking I’ve failed her somewhere. In context a good friend of hers recently started cutting and garnered a huge amount of support and sympathy, which I think had an impact on DD. I asked her if the cutting made her feel better and she said not really- it just made her arm hurt. I’m also looking to see if there’s someone I can arrange for her to talk to via our health insurance but don’t really know where to start. She doesn’t want me to tell school.

So- what else do I do? How can I best help her? This is very new to me and her Dad.

I would contact the school and ask for some support for her.

see the GP and ask for a CAMHS referral.

I don’t mean to put a downer on things but in my experience with CAHMS is that you wait a long time for an assessment and then you’re basically told a bit of cutting isn’t serious enough for them to get involved. I would talk to your GP though as they might know of some other options. Ditto school. Good luck, it’s horrible when you realise what’s happening.

I write my response from personal experience at the same age

As I am sure you know there is a difference between self harm in a continuous way, or a one off attempt in a down time that she didn't find a release in.

Hopefully it is the latter and this was not something your dd does regularly. Would she tell you?
Cutting is obviously not the only form of self harm so ensure she is eating/drinking and no other obvious harmful behaviours

The things that are worrying her are big issues, especially your health, at her age I'm sure she's worried for you but maybe doesn't have a full understanding of your health? Is it possible for you to go over it with her so she knows more? Or would that make her worry more?

Friendships will come and go and I'm sure you've spoken to her many times in regard to how friendships change. I had the same issue in school as most teenagers do. My mum wasn't always aware but I always had her as a friend. She would buy certain favourite snacks of mine which we would eat together when I got home from school with a cup of tea and we would do that once a week. We made an effort to do something together on weekends if I wasn't out as well which I enjoyed. Generally going to the charity shop and getting a new puzzle.

Social media is hard at that age. Definitely talk to her about how damaging it is. I wish I had used social media differently for a lot longer. I only recently took the plunge to use social media for photography accounts for places I want to visit rather than the way it publicises peoples achievements and boastful behaviour.

relationships with parents (despite what I said above) will also be hard. She's a teenager and being a grumpy teenager is how she feels right now. We all understand hormones and giving her the space when you recognise she needs it will be important.

Can you implement an open door policy in general more for your peace of mind?

When I was at my worst point at about age 15. I could have done with the knowledge that if I woke up and the day seemed too much I could just go back to bed. (I did not have this though)
I also didn't always feel like making an effort to eat so it could be worth ensuring she has some of her favourite snacks available to ensure she does eat

You sound like a brilliant parent op you will both get through this x

My girl is 12 and recently discovered by her PE teacher she had self harmed. We have seen the GP and school are supporting her. Both have been amazing and I've told her if she ever feels the need to cut or does cut, to come to me. It sounds like what my girl has going on, school stress, some former friends being idiots, body issues (curvy beautiful figure but started periods at 9), self esteem and thinking she is the cause of anything bad that happens.
Be there for her and encourage her to see her other friends. Ild mute or remove the so called friends who are doing that to her! Talk to your gp as they can refer her which ours are thinking about doing for my girl. Good luck!

Just been through this with my DD. She was also year 9 when we discovered the self harm. She asked us not to involve school but she wanted help and so we went to the GP, luckily we have private health cover and were referred to a psychiatrist for an assessment. They diagnosed low self esteem and social anxiety and a recommended a course of CBT. We were never referred to CAMHS but went private and it has really helped her. She had 10 sessions with a psychologist and although I'm always on my guard and still do checks around her room etc there is no evidence that she has self harmed since starting treatment.
She seems more open again and just generally happier in herself. Obviously the low self esteem and anxiety have not gone away but she seems better at coping, She recently started year 10 and there's plenty of stressful times ahead but I'm hopeful we can come through them and I also wouldn't hesitate to book her further therapy if she felt the need. It's a traumatic thing to go through and there were many tearful and sleepless nights but a year on and things are much better.

Have a look at the advice from Young Minds:

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/self-harm/

Thank you to all the people who posted. Apologies for not responding immediately - it didn't get much of a response so I left the thread.

We've had a challenging few days. Still lots of friendship difficulties- I had to remove her phone the other evening as she was so upset with a friend (for cancelling to spend time with a boyfriend of 2 days!) that I thought she'd say something to her that there would be no coming back from.

I've also found a TON of food wrappers in her bedroom- whole packets of hobnobs, whole empty tub of Ben and Jerry's, marshmallows, sweets. Apparently she's been, "eating her feelings". I tried to talk to her about how unhealthy this binge eating was but just got accused of calling her fat. I never mentioned the F word and only focused on the health aspects but she's so sensitive. She has put on lots of weight recently and I was wondering how she managed it...,

After the phone incident she sobbed so hard that i ended up staying with her and cuddling her until she fell asleep. She's not let me do that for years.

School emailed me back 3 hours after receipt of my email which was pretty impressive. They have a school counsellor who the head of year is referring her to. I'm also arranging sessions through the health insurance but that's a slower process.

Honestly I'm destroyed for her. She was so confident and fabulous and to see this happening is heartbreaking. I've got to the bottom of why her friends are off with her. Apparently the cool boys have told them that she's "socially awkward". She's NOT but she does have clear boundaries about her body and has been very clear that groping/ touching etc isn't on. She's also apparently been asked out 6 times in the last 10 weeks. She's not looking for a boyfriend so has said no- pissing off both the boys and her friends. Honestly the environment these days is so toxic.
Shes at an event tonight that she's been really looking forward to and i can't stop worrying. Ive already called her once as we found kitchen knives all moved and i panicked that she'd hurt herself again. She was pretty frustrated with be calling but said that she'd used the pot the knives were in to prop up her speakers in the kitchen so i hope that's the truth.

Thanks to everyone again for the thoughtful personal responses. Much appreciated.