Anxious 9 year old - what do I need to do?

[mrsfeatherbottom]

Sorry, rubbish title but couldn't think what to say in a few words. DD9 has always been sensitive but in the last few years her anxiety levels have increased. She suffers from very bad separation anxiety, particularly with leaving me. Once she is in school etc, she is mostly fine - the issue seems to be the actual point of separation, iykwim. A few people have asked if it is because she is worried about me (I have mobility problems/degenerative muscle wasting ) although when I've asked her, she says that she isn't.

We have tried Relax Kids, various books and apps with no massive change. When she's in a very anxious place, she seems unable to apply any of the coping techniques she has learnt.

The GP tried to refer us but she doesn't meet the threshold. DH has BUPA through work and the kids are on his plan. He spoke to them today and we need a GP referral.

My main question is, what am I asking for a referral for - therapy, CBT, counselling, a psychologist, a psychiatrist...? I'm feeling lost.

After reading the first paragraph I had to double check it wasn't something I'd posted myself and forgotten about. My DD9 has extreme separation anxiety too. She's fine after the separation has happened too. She's always been like this. The first two school years they used to ha e to wrestle her off me at drop offs and I had to leave her crying. It was horrible. Now she goes to school fine apart from at times making up illnesses when she knows I'll be at home. If I have a nightshift, night or even a meal out she will cry and worry about it for days and get hysterical just before I leave.

Our DDs anxiety does extend to other areas a bit too though. We have to lie next to her at bedtime until she is asleep and she'll run into our bed at midnight when she wakes up. At home she needs to know where I am all the time and she follows me around like a shadow. This started after I was hospitalised with depression earlier this year so understandable. She also has huge tantrums regularly where she ends up completely losing control over herself. Now she's just woken up and insisted she's too scared to sleep near the edge of the bed and was screaming and jumping around the room saying she's scared and something's going to get her. She gets her siblings so upset with the screaming too.

We're waiting for play therapy to start with a local low cost counseling service. Wonder whether your area has anything similar? I found out about this by ringing the school nurse. I'm also thinking whether to try to get go to refer for camhs but worrying that like your dd they'll say she won't qualify. It's so awful watching her suffer from it and how it affects the rest of the family too.

If it's the point of separation that's the problem, (this has probably already been tried) but have school made any arrangements with you to maybe bring her in 5/10 mins before everyone else so she has time to settle & say her goodbyes in a calm way before the hustle & bustle of all the other children arriving? Would there be an option for her to go somewhere calm/quiet (library/nurture room or something?) with a trusted adult for 5/10 mins or so until she's ready to go into class? Special boxes of 'calming down stuff' (which she prob went through with relax kids) are good to do in this time so she knows she has that time to settle after having to separate from you. This would usually be the first port of call to support with this as far as the schools concerned.

If you're after a CBT type programme, something we use at school with specific children (sorry, primary school sendco!) while waiting for more specialist referral is this workbook... https://www.amazon.co.uk/Starving-Anxiety-Gremlin-Children-Aged/dp/1849054924/ref=mpssa112?adgrpid=52052378766&gclid=CjwKCAjwq4fsBRBnEiwANTahcIavrwyrNOja1OoPAuukjbRky8ZYkatne8dT6ZMSzdvtY6wnmD4cQhoC-R8QAvDBwE&hvadid=259096375128&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9045867&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=3847025129951705442&hvtargid=aud-615159460501%3Akwd-309923576395&hydadcr=136888_1820763&keywords=starving+the+anxiety+gremlin&qid=1568853364&sr=8-2 ... it isn't necessarily effective with all children, but has been really beneficial for some and if she's already done relax kids, she may already be familiar with some of the language/strategies used... if you don't think actually using the word anxiety would be appropriate for her at the moment, it's pretty easy to still do the actives etc. And just adapt them a bit and it's really self explanatory so would be easy for you to work through with her at home.

As pp suggested, I'd definitely also ask to get in contact with the school nurse if you haven't already, as they should be able to signpost you to any support specifically in your area.

Hope you manage to get something sorted out for her

Thanks guys. School have tried to help but there is no school nurse and they have no access to counselling etc. As she's okay in school most of the time, she isn't bad enough to be assessed or referred.

Her new teacher this year is great and allows her to go in 5 minutes earlier through the main door and help her set up before everyone else arrives. Most days she does this, although not without hesitation.

She's incredibly self aware and talks and writes about her anxieties. We have started a diary to see if that helps. We bought the "What to do when you worry too much" book a couple of years ago and that really helped her realise that she wasn't alone.

I really want to knock this on the head before big school transition, puberty etc. She is currently missing out on stuff and it makes me sad. During the summer she said to me "I hate being me. Why do I find everything so hard?" and it broke my heart.

@C305 Thanks for the recommendation - that book looks good so will order that from Amazon today!

Oh that must be so difficult for you😥 she'll get there in the end though, it just takes time to work out what strategies will work for her and especially as you're clearly so supportive good luck with everything

Hi OP I had exactly the same last Sept with our DS who is now in yr5.

We eventually went to AXA with a gp referral letter and they booked us a first assessment appointment with a psychiatrist who then referred us to a psychologist.

We managed 4 sessions but then our son refused to go. He was being sick on the way to school each day, this has now stopped, however we have to lie with him every night and he won't go in the school assembly hall, he stays with a teacher or if it's the end of term assembly he sits in my car in the car park while we are in the Assembly/prize giving.

Good luck.

Sorry I realise that wasn't very reassuring, we are still in the middle of it although no longer have the crisis feeling each morning.

We had amazing pastoral care from school (private prep) you need to get them on board with any approach.

Thought I'd update: spoke to a friend of a friend, who I know a little, who is an Ed psych and she recommended CBT. We went through BUPA, with the referral from the GP and have our first session on Monday with someone quite local who does CBT, specialises in anxiety and has experience of primary age kids. So, fingers crossed we are on the right track.

Thanks for the update - will you let us know how you get on?

Hope it helps her.

My DS was quite anxious in separating from me until about 8 - he was initially diagnosed with anxiety but now they have changed to likely Aspergers / autism. Apparently can look very similar. It's probably not that without other signs like avoiding noise / busy places, restricted diet, issues with changing clothes etc but if you don't make progress its something worth looking for signs of.

Glad you are able to get her help.

Morning,

Does the school provide any support ? Or service - like Place2Be?

My DS had anxeity going to new school - was recommended 'I can relax' DVD by Donna Pincus - really worked and worth a try.

@mrsfeatherbottom how is your dd now?
My ds is 9 and really struggling at school drop off. I am now really anxious about dropping him off. I have been in touch with a psychotherapist friend to see if she can advise someone for him to talk to.

We actually have school drop off sorted - she goes in the main door (not where the rest of the class go in) and the school secretary (who is a good friend of mine) comes to get her as soon as the bell goes and takes her in. It seems to help that she knows it is exactly the same every day.

Having said that, since December, she has been really struggling in school, which is brand new. I haven't been well which definitely has had a major effect on her.

School have been good and put various things in place and she's been placed on the SEN register and has an IEP. She has a wobble cushion, weighted blanket and various sensory items she can access when she needs to. We may get her assessed privately for autism although I don't think that she is on the spectrum personally.

She is 'enjoying' the CBT for the most part but it's not a quick fix. Thank goodness for BUPA who have just approved another 6 sessions. Apparently it's quite common for CBT to take a while and also for a dip in behaviour/mood once starting it. Before she just had generalised anxiety but now she is actually having to talk about it and specifics, I suppose. I'm sure it's going to be the right thing in the long run.

Hi all,

I was going to start a thread but thought I'd check out existing ones; lucky I did, I could have written your original post @mrsfeatherbottom My DD is 8 and has always suffered with anxiety, school drop offs are fine 9 times out of 10 but when she feels anxious we have dramatic scenes and I have to leave her wailing and having a meltdown. I wonder if she's got Asperger's to be honest though don't see the benefit of a diagnosis for her. She has a bit of demand avoidance going on too... she's reluctant to do things for herself and it takes a lot of cajoling. My eldest is so different (not that you should compare). I split from my DDs' dad 2.5 years ago and it's hit her hard although it's only in the past year that she's really started opening up about it. She's told me a few heartbreaking things like sometimes she wakes up feeling sad and doesn't know why, wishes she could die. I didn't want to wait years to get a CAMHS appointment so I'm paying for a private therapist which so far is just them chatting about stuff it'll be our 6th session this week, so I'm going to speak to the therapist separately if there's no change this time. It'd be good to keep in touch and see how you get on / support each other. I worry about her so much. She's such an innocent compared to her friends; woke up shocked and surprised that the tooth fairy didn't come last night...

Hi @blurpblorp

The whole lockdown thing is very confusing for DD. On the one hand, she is delighted that she doesn't have to go anywhere without me and is with me 24/7 but on the other hand, she is obviously anxious about everything she is hearing about COVID.

Yes it's almost exactly the same situation here. And apart from when she's engrossed in Nintendo Switch some activity, she's by my side and being quite needy / up and down. I'm just going with it but it's quite wearing. Are you finding the CBT techniques a help?

Thought I would update this old thread to say that DD (now 11) ended up getting a diagnosis of ASD. She is now at secondary school and they have been brilliant with helping her, she's on a reduced timetable and she has been referred to Ed Psych. We found the pure CBT didn't help a huge amount so have found a new therapist who follows a more holistic approach (with elements of CBT) and has experience with school refusal.

Hi,
Did you manage to find some help with this?
Try taking a step back from reassuring too much and use validating statements like " I can see that you're struggling with that/ I can see that makes you feel anxious" etc. Try to encourage her to problem solve rathe than rushing in with solutions. It takes some time but it helps to build confidence when you can step back and give her some control over managing the situation.
Talking openly about anxiety can also be really helpful.
Good luck getting some support 💜