Concerned about son

[anon1245]

Not sure if this is right place to put this so move it if needed

I'm a regular poster but n'ced as this is going to be outing

My son has always been difficult ever since he was a baby he would cry for house/when he was a toddler he would run off and be quite naughty and rough with other children and this carried on into childhood.

Fast forward to now he's 16 in August and I'm really concerned and worried about him

So he had this teacher who would always send him out for rudeness etc. So a few months ago she did this and he said I'll stab you to death in a minute. They passed it on to safeguarding and the police. The police didn't do much as my son wouldn't talk to them. The school have permanently excluded him but they passed us onto a counsellor but my son refused to speak to them.

Now I'm at the point were he's started drinking alcohol so have to have none in the house and smoking cigarettes no idea how he's got them as we don't smoke. No schools all take him (he isn't willing to go anyway) and he's missed out on his gcses and he now has no friends as all his friends parents have told them to stay away from ds.

I tried to talk to him earlier about his feelings etc but he wouldn't talk he just kept saying I hate him. And that he should've killed her 😢

I tried to phone GP yesterday and my son wouldn't go to the appointment.

Any advice or anything I'm desperate!

That sounds really difficult and stressful OP. Could you try doing something nice just you and him, he might open up to you then?
Look for any positives, talk about putting the past behind him and making a plan for a better future. Do you have any support yourself?

I'm thinking of taking him out somewhere. I've asked him if there's anywhere he'd like me to take him and he said to the cinema so I'm thinking of going there tomorrow or Monday and maybe with a trip to a restaurant. My husband isn't being helpful as he keeps shouting at my son. And he said I shouldn't take him places as it's rewarding him for his awful behaviour

I don't have much support. Just want to help son though

He could feel feel that everything is against him - and he could easily be at the stage where he either can't or won't see that he has any control over how others relate to him. Your instinct to make a point that you are there and love him anyway could be very powerful in helping him find a way ahead at some future time, but it is highly unlikely to change his behaviour in the short term. You could just stick to the "love you, but don't like your xyz behaviour" and find any positives to feed back to him so he isn't just getting negatives from people all the time. He has to chose to engage with support - maybe at present he doesn't feel he is worth it. But to have someone there for him, even when his is going through this horrible time, could be his lifeline for now. Not easy for you.

He Said he doesn't want to talk to anyone about his feelings or anything.

On Friday I made the appointment but he refused to get dressed. So I had to cancel it.

I was in a similar situation last September. DS 16 (then 15) was becoming increasing stressed with school (has ASD and struggled with transition to high school). Police were called and he was admitted to hospital for an assessment when he threatened to hurt people at school. It was a horrible time, but he agreed to see a psychiatrist and we removed him temporarily from school...the source of his anxiety.
After 6 months he started at a different school.
I know you said your son won't talk (mine was the same, and he doesn't talk to his dad), but you are doing the right thing in trying to lessen his stress and anxiety. Try to gain his trust as someone he can confide in. I truly think he needs you in his corner right now. My son talks to me now whereas he used to keep silent.

Does he do well in school? Any possible learning disability, ADHD, ASD etc. ?
Wishing you best of luck, op

On Monday I managed to take him to doctors but he wouldn't speak to them.

He was getting on ok at school although he refused to do work and disrupted the lessons by shouting out etc.

He hasn't been assessed for adhd or asd.

Even though he didn't speak at the doctor's, were they able to suggest anything to you? Help, resources?
Does he seem more stressed at school than at home, or is it pretty much the same?

They referred him to cahms.

It was about the same