Please help, my 7 year old is so anxious!

[Rmccoid]

So, my son has always shown signs of having attachment with me, but it’s getting worse the older he gets.

I mean, he literally won’t even go to the toilet alone, he has a breakdown when I go for a bath, he lays and screams in bed, even though his little sister is upstairs in the room next to him.

I’ve tried reassuring him, showing him that there is nothing to fear, I sit and read to him, I comfort him in ever way I can but it’s just getting worse. He says he can’t get bad thoughts out of his head.

I myself suffer with OCD, but not in your typical germ fear kind of way, mine is intrusive thoughts and checking etc... I wonder if he is maybe the same but possibly worse?

I just don’t know where to go from here. There is no way that his behaviour is normal, yet I’m fearful that the doctor may laugh and think I’m being dramatic and that it’s just “typical behaviour” ... I mean, how many other 7 year olds would rather have an accident in their pants than go to the toilet in fear of being alone.

Who should I speak to? How do I get support with him? Any advice is really appreciated, I hate seeing him so scared, even though he shows this persona of being the big tough lad when he’s around other children, deep down he’s a nervous wreck. I just want him to be happy and feel safe!

Do your intrusive thoughts make you anxious? Is he picking up on that? Is he seeing that being anxious about everyday life is somewhat normal and to be expected. Perhaps he is modelling on you.

i think you should speak about this to your gp.

No not at all, I carry myself really well with my problems and have never shown any sort of strange behaviour to him. My worst time is bed time, similar to him, where I have to check everything a million times before I can settle to sleep and even then I lay awake imagining all sorts of ridiculous situations. I’m medicated and I’m sooo much better now. Perhaps I wrapped him in cotton wool when he was tiny and that’s what has made it worse, but literally every one picks up on how he is. I’m wondering if maybe there is something hereditary here that could possibly be passed onto him. I still see a therapist every week so am thinking of mentioning it to her next time I see her.

Go to your GP and make him listen and refer you to a specialist who can help you help your lad

it can be hereditary.
and also, it looks like he doesnt see his dad and worry you will go, too.

My dd is very similar. She is slightly better as she is older and can be distracted with screens now. Bed time in own is still a big no no though!

How does he cope at school?

Has anything happened? Where’s his dad?

My dcs went through an anxious phase - their imaginations just went wild and they didn’t like being alone etc. I knew this so I wouldn’t go off and do stuff without them nor would I pander - E.G. I’d just announce it and ask them if they’d like to come too. At bedtimes I’d stay with them and have stories for them to listen to.

With reassurance and attention, they grew out of it and are fine now.

Myself and my partner have been together for years, he literally doesn’t remember life without him and he truly sees him as a dad and loves him as a dad. He is not short of love of affection and he’s surrounded by people who care for him and love him, but it’s like he drives himself mad in his own head

School have said that he is shy and anxious and that he rushes his work and doesn’t really absorb instructions. I’ve tried reading to him and telling him funny stories and making sure he knows he’s safe but unless I sleep next to him it’s just not good enough, I forgot to mention, we have 4 children between us, he gets more attention than any of the others so it can’t possibly be down to that.

Sorry this is happening to you and your little boy, there are lots of therapies and strategies to help him, you are not alone, it’s great that we live in a time when he will be understood and helped and men can talk about mental health nowadays. If you can afford to go private it will be quicker, your gp will not dismiss this at it sounds serious and not the normal kid phase. He is lucky to have you as his mum as you will understand and be the best at getting him through this. You will need to be pushy with The professionals best if luck x

My son has severe anxiety. It is really awful and I wish I had a magic way of making it better.
What helps is having a routine, visual aids, visual timetable. Knowing what to expect and when can alleviate some anxiety.
A visual aid in the toilet so he know exactly what to do in there, let him leave the door open and let him know he can talk to you because you’ll be right outside/on the landing/putting washing away or whatever.
You can also ask for a referral to paediatrician or camhs but in my experience you’re left to get on with it really.

Try and be predictable. Very predictable with lots of routine.

I suspect my ds has mild autism- he flips out if I “spring” things on him, likes to know what’s happening when etc. Even little things like saying I’m going out of an evening with friends - he needs to know in advance.

So have bedtime exactly the same every night. Try a relaxing audio book for him once lights are out - youcan get children’s meditation stories for example.

All of his triggers - think about how to manage. Eg you having a bath - do at the same time on certain days but before you do, maybe do something with him and then he knows what’s next and how long you’ll be in there with him.

Routine, familiarity etc will help massively

We have a wall planner so the dcs know what we are doing for the week etc and this also helps.

Give him a digital clock and teach him about time. So you can have bedtime etc and he knows what’s coming and when.

You say you trust everyone around him or who is close to him. But please keep an open mind.
It could be a phase, a medical condition or he could be upset about someone close to him.

good point Flaxmeadow.

There's a good book.. helping your anxious child.. very easy to read, step by step of what to do week by week.

I have a very anxious 8year old boy. His anxiety unfortunately is linked to the unpredictable behaviour of his 10year old brother with autism/adhd (who is also very anxious!) who can be very volatile, so we know the cause but because he's not suicidal or self harming CAMHS are not interested!! It took my 10yo self harming and trying to run into a road in front of a lorry for CAMHS to see him once and then they said oh it's because of his diagnosis so go back to paediatrician and then discharged him lol what a joke!

My 8yo is similar to your son in that come bedtime he's always asking for one more kiss/cuddle/story and he wants me to be upstairs as well, doesn't like it if I go back downstairs. He shares a room with 10yo has done since he was 2 because he wouldn't sleep at all on his own! He is same at school drop offs keeps running back for another kiss/hug/ask me something etc. He used to be exactly like you say about going to the toilet on his own too and me going for a shower. He's got past this though, I can't remember when it stopped though and I don't think I did anything in particular to help him?

We've spoken to gp who basically said there is nothing they can do as CAMHS won't see him, said he will become a "resilient" and "tolerant" person?! I feel for him I can see how stressed and anxious he is but I am not sure what else I can do...my oldest is struggling even more and is only at school 2 hours a day so he is taking a lot of my physical and mental time, I also have a toddler who is going through the tantrum stage and then 8yo is becoming classic middle child because he is generally quiet and well behaved and plays nicely. I have a huge amount of mum guilt! My husband works long hours is out 7-7 so I'm dealing with it all, my mum is disabled and my dad works and cares for her so can't help, my in-laws have helped a lot but now having health issues themselves so I have no real support and I also feel guilt I can't help them more!

Sorry to hijack your thread but you are not alone. I started taking citalopram myself a few months ago as I was so stressed with everything and it is helping, just wish there was a way to help the kids!

Thank you so much for all of your replies and for sharing your stories with me. It makes me feel at ease knowing that I’m not alone and that there is a way forward.

We are trying a new strategy this week, he is going to sleep at my mums for a couple of nights to see how he is. He absolutely adores my mum, we see her practically every day, and she is a foster carer with children the same age. She says that when he has slept on the odd occasion he has shown no issues what so ever, so believes that perhaps his problem is more based on attachment issues with me. We figured that if he spends more time at grandmas and grandads away from me, he may learn some independence whilst having fun with children who don’t have anxiety/attachment issues.

I would like to stress that they literally live across the street, so I won’t be sending him and not allowing him to come home, if he wants to come home then I am literally a stone throws away from my mum.

I will keep you updated and let you know how he’s got on.

Thanks again

Hi
My 9 yr old has been like this since he started in playschool aged 4.
He was terrified that if I leave him, even to go to the bathroom, something bad will happen to me. He had nightmares every night about losing me someway or another. It was horrendous.
I went to a child psychologist and one thing that really helped me was knowing how to respond to his fear.
She said ... when you are on an aeroplane and there is turbulence, you look at the air hostess and what is she doing? She is cool and calm, in control, not bothered.
Now imagine if there is turbulence and you look at ther air hostess and she runs to you all concerned and hugs you saying it's ok, were going to be alright.

You would freak, right?
So, be the air hostess for your child's turbulence. Be cool and calm. Don't run to them hugging and reassuring.
This approach didn't work overnight but it was a game changer. He saw that I was confident and sure and that really helped.
I use the air hostess whenever the separation anxiety shows up.
If he is going to a birthday party for example and he starts to look for reassurance or tries to get out of going.
I will be cool, I tell him I know you are nervous- that's because you don't know what to expect and I tell him what to expect in a quick way like there will be a bouncy castle and music, all your friends will be there. Then I carry on busy busy air hostess doing my thing not focusing on him. This really works for us. I hope it helps you.

I’ve never thought about it like that before, that is such a brilliant idea. Definitely going to try and focus on this! Thank you x