Shocked - self harming, depressed 15 year old.

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

School phoned a year ago to say DD 15 had been self harming. I thought they must have made a mistake, but, no, she admitted it. Refused to let me see her arms, saw GP, refused CAMHS but said she'd stopped. Agreed that if she did it again she'd be referred.

Caught her at it with a razor last night. She's in a state, had open wounds, took her to A+E who were great, saw psychiatrist there who was amazing and referred her to CAMHS - but, there's a year long waiting list.

She's surrendered two razors, but I suspect there are more in her room.

I'm shocked. She has hundreds of keloid scars on her arms. There will be no hiding it or tattooing over it. How did I miss this?

Doing lots of nurturing and loving and leaving alone and accepting and supporting today, she's off on exam leave just now. Told school that it was grim, they'll action help and look at the exam situation. I have a place on a self harm day they are organising next month anyway.

Am a bit stunned. Any suggestions about what to do, what not to do? Am deeply worried about making this worse by being clumsy.

Vivarium, I hope you're still around as I have just found out my son is doing the same. If you are, could you pm me and let me know? As I could really do with chatting about it as I am also very distressed.

Over 20 years ago I was that child. Has she given any indication as to why she’s doing it? Don’t put too much pressure on her to talk, but let her know you’re there for when she’s ready. I can understand removing all the razors but my parents did this and it really upset me. Equally, if she’s that determined to do it, she’ll find something to do it with.

When you talk to her, make it clear that you’re not judging. Self harm often involves negative feelings towards yourself, and then there’s additional shame at what you’ve done and even more when other people find out. I felt like I’d disappointed my parents and let them down. She may be feeling all sorts of things.

Also, maybe plan something nice for the two of you. A pj day with a film and snacks or something.

I was also that child. Be prepared for it to get worse initially as she no longer had to hide it now you all know.
As horrifying as it is, the self harming isn’t the main issue, it’s a side effect, there must be an underlying reason/reasons and this is what needs the work.
I’m so sorry you’re all facing this. If it helps at all I am now a normal, functioning, middle aged mum. It was a horrible couple of years but we did get through it. My lovely parents were so supportive - it’s only now I can appreciate what they were going through.
This website is good: www.lifesigns.org.uk/

hi, im 14 and in a similar situation to your daughter. i have serious scars all over my body and my mum has only seen some of them. in my opinion, the best way to handle this situation is to have a proper conversation about why she did it. once you know all the details it should give you a better perspective on the situation. the one thing you definitely shouldn't do is make the conversation all about you. when my mum found out all she did was make me feel worse by saying that i was a horrible daughter and that by telling the school before her i was asking for social services to take me away. then she topped it all of by calling me a mother hating attention seeker. this is one of the worst things to say to someone that self-harms as its just reaffirming their belief that their own feelings and opinions mean nothing, even to their family. so whatever you say to your daughter, dont say that. i hope i've been of some help.