8 year old DS depression?? Please help

[beclev24]

My 8 year old DS has been struggling for a little bit over a year now. Started having a really hard time after his new baby brother was born (he also has another younger brother too.) . he adored the new baby and still does but became increasingly angry and self hating. He would have huge meltdowns and say how he hated himself, nobody liked him, that he wanted to die etc and having huge raging raging arguments with his middle brother. He was also pretty irritable when not having meltdowns and really hated school and kept saying he had no friends there.

We took him to a therapist, who he has been seeing for nearly a year now and he is better than he was for sure- fewer meltdowns, less irritability. But he still has these meltdowns about once or twice a month where he says he wants to die/ that he wants us to kill him etc. When I talk to him about it when he is calm he says he doesn't mean it, but he also just doesn't seem himself. He has become an incredibly fussy eater and often seems almost disgusted by food and can't eat things that he used to like. He is still incredibly anxious and upset about school (even though academically he does very well) . He also has huge meltdowns about homework and even though the work is easy for him, it's like he physically cannot concentrate and just loses it when we try to make him do it. He is also a lot more fidgety than he used to be and finds it hard to concentrate on one thing- eg Lego that he used to be able to do for hours. His therapist says she doesn't think he has anything seriously wrong with him- eg a mood disorder/ depression/ autism etc and that these are just big feelings in a sensitive kid. But I just don't think that is quite right. Surely this can't be normal? I have looked at the diagnostic criteria for childhood depression online and he seems to have a lot of the symptoms.

On the positive side he still has lots of things he enjoys/ looks forward to- eg his sport which he is really passionate about, reading (can get really immersed in certain series of books that he likes and read for hours. He enjoys his afterschool activities and weekends and still has his sense of humour. He definitely doesn't fit the profile of someone who is so depressed they can;t function/ get out of bed.

We are going to see a new therapist this week but I am so scared that this will be a lifelong thing for him. I feel like such a terrible mother that my 8 year old feels this way. FWIW he gets lots of one on one attention/ playing with us/ listening time etc although it's not always easy with 2 other little boys including a baby so maybe he does feel very pushed out.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there any hope? is this treatable?? I am so devastated by it all. thank you.

[PlatypusLeague]

That does sound hard for you and your DS.

I'm wondering what sort of therapist has your son been seeing / will be seeing, and what methods do they use?

Have you asked the GP their opinion?

[BottleBeach]

Hello @beclev24
I just found your post because I am experiencing similar issues with my 9 year old DS. He’s had a lot to cope with over the last couple of years, and talks regularly about how he feels sad all the time and thinks about killing himself. I find it really difficult because hearing him say those things is so worrying, but at the same time it doesn’t always match with his behaviour. My ex and I got called into school yesterday because he was talking quite specifically about suicidal thoughts, and when we got to the doctor he practically slipped into the surgery....?

How are things going with your DS? Please could you share the childhood depression diagnostic criteria link?

[Teddybear45]

Is he sleeping well? It could be that if the baby is waking up at night and you / DP are making noise to sort it out that he is being disturbed. Try sleeping downstairs with the baby for a few days and see if that resolves things.

[Nettleskeins]

A therapist will not be able to diagnose or rule out neurological disability, like ADHD, ASD or Dyspraxia (DCD). My son who has dyspraxia, which was not diagnosed until he was 13, was showing many of the symptoms you describe, although he was very different from his brother who has a diagnosis of HFA/Aspergers.

I really want to warn you that your therapist will be looking at things from a angle that may not be useful here...A certain amount of low self esteem, anxiety is caused by the response to the environment, sensory processing issues, and they cannot be addressed by therapeutic talking, but they might be helped by an OT, or dyspraxia/adhd, autism strategies.

But talking things through does help, I remember sitting on my son's bed every evening at that age for hours, sometimes telling him funny stories about all the things that had gone wrong when I was that age (funny stories not sad stories I hasten to add) He did get through it.

I keep saying the same thing on Mumsnet, but I will repeat it here. Please check he is not Vitamin D deficient or insufficient. My children although outdoorsy types, were, and I didn't realise it, for some years...The government recommends a supplement of at least 400 iu a day for all children all winter, so if you haven't given that, he may well be lacking that vital vitamin and need topping up now. GP can organise a blood test. Sunscreen prevents our bodies making vitamin d as do darker skins. Also being in school during the day!!

[Nettleskeins]

To sum up, I don't think your therapist sounds very good. And it could be a self perpetuating thing that he feels anxious about even needing a therapist, it is quite a stressful thing to feel that one is a problem which everyone is trying to solve...

The fussiness about food, and the not liking school (although academic) would flag up to me some sort of sensory issues.

Lots of children have siblings, lots of children have stressful family situations, but not all children react as you have described or even get therapists. I think your mum and dad (you and your dh) is the best therapist and the best listening ear you can have. And the best person (along with appropriate understanding within school) to give help with strategies related to sensory, or aspie issues, ONCE YOU HAVE IDENTIFIED THEM PROPERLY AND BEEN GIVEN APPROPRIATE ADVICE, is you and your husband.