Don’t know how to help my 17 yr old DD

[Verbena37]

Going to bullet to shorten this...

DD was going to study zoology at uni.
Hated biology A level so dropped it and instead took up level 3 photography at home online.

Has been suffering from social and general anxiety for over 2 years I’d say. Gets so overwhelmed she cannot go to shop alone, in case she sees someone she knows and they speak to her or she ignores them and they think she’s rude etc.

Finding it hard to be motivated to do anything.
Been having counselling sessions (about 14 so far) but that’s stopping after Easter as charity won’t offer more.

Says she won’t kill herself as doesn’t want to die but doesn’t want to exist here on this boring earth.
Constantly tells me ‘why did you give birth to me and bring me up in this boring place (she means the U.K.).
Always watching movies and shows to escape the monotony that is life.

Won’t/can’t chat to her friends as they just turn it round and make it about them/have no empathy or good listening skills.

She’s going through the motions of booking uni open days but says she is really only planning to study photography as she knows she can’t just travel for free for the rest of her life.

Anybody got any ideas/thoughts on how I help and support her?
This isn’t a case of her being spoilt.
There’s definitely something more to it....in my head I do wonder if it’s more like autism (her brother is autistic). She finds coping with processing info tricky at times, can’t manage her room and putting washing away etc (I know teens are like that) but seems to get so bogged down very quickly if she has a few things to get done.

Does she have any other symptoms?

Hi Katie,
So since she was tiny, she would never hold an adult’s hand. She wasn’t never naughty and trying to run off but when crossing roads or other times when I would try to hold her hand, she would say “no hand” and instead quietly walk beside me. It was like she couldn’t stand someone touching her hand.

She also hates things the majority of people don’t hate and whilst at first I thought she was just being a teen and being tricky for the sake of it, she genuinely isn’t. She can’t even talk about body processes, child birth or pregnancy etc without fainting. She faints or near faints a lot but I think her day to day blood pressure seems normal. She has venephobia - fear of her veins being touched and I wonder if this was why she never liked holding hands?

She has a very geeky personality - gets very into whatever her latest craze is. So she was mad on doctor who, Harry Potter, Sherlock, Lucifer etc and for each craze, she learnt endless facts about them in massive detail and she put all her energy into them. She bought everything to do with them and was quite obsessive....one of things which makes me think ASD.

She finds chatting to people (even friends) very awkward and has recently given up her job again as she just doesn’t know how to carry on a small talk conversation with the coworkers. She either is massively shy and can’t do small talk or she over talks and doesn’t shut up about one subject (again, communication difficulties part of ASD).

I’ve subtly mentioned ASD/adhd to her over the past few months but she won’t entertain it.
Since posting, we now have a CAMHS appt booked. She is nervous but I think it could help.

Don't really know how to help but didn't want to just read and run.

It's the fainting and vein bits anything to do with intrusive thoughts?

Is

Thanks . No, the fainting is either during medical procedures, talking about birth, illness, blood etc.

To be honest, the fainting thing never happened until just after her teen Dtap vaccine - she was off school on and off for a year following the vaccine. It made her ill within 30 mins, faint and then had CFS symptoms and faint feelings for the next year or so. The fainting thing then carried on and it doesn’t take much for her to go!

Sent you a PM

Your last three paragraphs suggest Aspergers to me, OP. Do you think she'd like to have a diagnosis? Do you think it would help her feel better? I think my DD's diagnosis helped her as it made it clear that her social issues weren't her fault exactly.

Hmm, I just sent her a link about POTS to read and she went mad!
Don’t think i’m going to risk mentioning ASD- think i’ll see what CAMHS say.

You sound like you’ve got my DD in your house.! The fainting , getting obsessed with tv programs, not going out in case she sees someone. Struggles with chit chat unless it’s about the tv program /character then she can go on for ages.

I was exactly where you are now 3 years ago it became obvious that DD wasn’t coping with anything. I got a referral to Cahms who referred us to child psychology and DD was diagnosed autistic, I’d never mentioned it to her but I’d thought it hence the push for CAHMS. She argued with the DR who just gave her links and information to read! We went home, she read it, we went back she agreed with him and told him other stuff she did that she hadn’t mentioned before. Once she accepted the diagnosis she changed. It was like she knew why she felt different but knew it was ok. She’s got friends now. She’s at college and doing well and looking at Universities for next year.

I’d say go to CAHMS you be as honest as you need to be. Don’t worry about telling them stuff she doesn’t want you to they need to know everything or they don’t see the full picture and then you and she don’t get the help you need. Good luck feel free to PM if you need to.

Hi - thanks for your reply. So I think i’ll do what you did and just be honest with CAMHS (she says she wants to be honest) and whilst I won’t mention ASD, i’ll give them the full picture.

verbena that’s the best thing. You’re her mum she’s still a chil you have to take some control in the nicest way ..if she is autistic or have some form of ASD she won’t knoq what’s best for her and you have to be the parent. My dd was not happy with me telling them stuff she kept kicking me and putting her fingers in her ears saying no to any question. But actually of those things just confirmed the diagnosis for the dr and I get lots of stuff off my chest that was worrying me. Good luck.

Hi am going through v similar thing with my 17 yr old DD. Suspected ASD for the past 4-5 yrs but as she masked it well and did well academically thought a diagnosis wouldn’t be helpful. Now bitterly regret I didn’t push for a diagnosis much earlier. Secondary school is where the difficulties have come to the forefront and now suffering academically due to anxiety. Have an ASD assessment on Thursday so will see how that goes.

Hi op
No words of advice but my daughter started doing zoology at uni and dropped out after 10months. Found it all too hard and is a bit of a recluse.
She now works at pets at home and lives at home and is happy. Also spends hours walking the countryside around here with her camera.
Hope your daughter finds her ' thing' . Theres so much pressure on youngsters these days

Thank you kerkyra so sorry for slow response but don’t know how to get notifications when someone has posted on a thread 🤦🏽‍♀️

I know someone whose daughter did an Animal Care Apprenticeship (?), and worked at an airport dealing with the animals that came in (all sorts, exotic and otherwise) She was academic but after A levels it was the best fit to do something practical which took her out of house but in structured very non confrontational way. .She was very much like your dd and had been very distressed in her teens - ASD diagnosed when she was in late teens.

Could she be deficient in Vitamin D, sorry I go on about this, but as someone who suffered myself in teens from many of the symptoms you describe it was always much worse in winter, and even in summer if I didn't go away somewhere hot and sunny I would become reclusive and "low".

It will get better, I was that teen and there is hope if you can play to her strengths and hopefully get her outside enjoying nature and not too overwhelmed by social pressures/what everyone else does etc. When I found things to do that made me enjoy leaving the house, and the social interactions were fruitful rather than debilitating (ie for me it was acting, choir, stamina sports like rowing on a lake, or climbing a hill, or craft)

There are so many pathways, the problem is to fixate on what you are not succeeding at, rather than see what is going well, and build on that. CBT is very helpful for this. I think aspie girls, and boys have such a clear and focused view of the world(which can of course be a positive a lot of the time), that it can sometimes prevent them imagining other futures for themselves.

But don't forget the Vitamin D check!!! She should be at least 70, at this time of year, so soon after the summer, and her levels will go on dropping over the winter if you don't supplement.

My DD is doing a photography uni course that sounds perfect for your Dd.

Basically you choose a specialisation, DD's criteria was I have to be outdoors and I want to travel so is doing 4 x4 off road vehicles and is already getting commissions in her third year.

Others on the course are specialising in dogs, make up, interiors, boxing, cars, food, cycling etc.

I would recommend going to look at a suitable uni course as soon as possible to give her a goal.

Hi
Sorry for not replying sooner but haven’t been on my for ages!
So we went to CAMHS early August and the CAMHS man she saw, assessed her and said she’d need urgent referral to the psychiatrist. Well, late September, we finally saw him. He was ok. Friendly and double checked she wasn’t trying to end her life (and she did divulge to him that she wanted to curl up and sleep for 6 months to get away from everything).

He signed her off and wrote a prescription for citalopram, but not to take it until a few weeks after she sees a CBT therapist....which we had to self refer for. So we have that first CBT assessment appointment next week! Bit of a long wait for something CAMHS deemed as urgent!

She is just sorting her ucas form out and wants to go to one specific uni. Not sure what she will do if she doesn’t get in!

School pastoral team have actually been great. They agreed to her only going in for her lessons and doing the rest of her studying from home. She was having regular panic attacks from sitting in a room of students during study time and she wasn’t doing any work! Things have been a bit calmer but I still notice she gets like a banshee pre-period! Her periods are very spaced out (approx 35-40 cycle) which I’m not sure helps her.

I have brought up the ASD thing again a couple of times but she screams at me and says she doesn’t want to be diagnosed with that (guess she has seen how her brother’s diagnosis has put strain on us all).

So we will have to see hw the CBT thing goes. She is refusing to take the citalopram at the moment (to be honest I’m quite glad) as she’s scared of the side effects (she saw it said suidicidal thoughts and doesn’t want to make it worse especially as her A levels get ever nearer).