Anxiety in 11 year old boy.

[BearsDontDigOnDancing]

My 11 year old is usually a happy settled boy.

He has always struggled with other children, more when he was younger and preferred to chat with adults, ie would chat to teachers/lunchtime assistants as opposed to other children but that seems to be getting a bit better now. Although he was very upset before Christmas as he had never been invited to a birthday party, he is in year 6, but he is the sort of boy that has friends in every group in every year but no "best friend".

A couple of years ago he did have an issue with being bullied by a couple of boys, 1 in particular, and at the time it woudl upset him a lot, but the school were brilliant with the situation, and he learned to react better too.

As I say he is normally so happy and loving, and is very bright. But he cannot handle being in trouble. He got a yellow card at school once (just a warning, not even a red) and could barely speak when he came out of school and was so upset.

He panics if he thinks he is getting in trouble, and we are not strict by any means, but he gets to the point where he can barely speak or breath.

He dropped his dads phone one time, it was purely an accident, and before we had even reacted, he was in full blown panic mode, almost hyperventilating.

This can be almost a daily basis, he acts like we are going to shout at him, and we are not shouty parents at all, but he reacts like he is terrified of us, and will start apologising straight away and panicking. Most of the time, we are a happy laughing together family, but even saying to him "that is enough now please" can set him off.

Lately it seems to be stepping up a notch, and he was sobbing on me a few weeks ago as he got it in his head I was going to die and could not get rid of the thought. I talked that out with him at the time.

Then last night I went up to check on him, and again he was in bed and looked very upset. I eventually got him to talk to me and he had it in his head about everyone he loves dying. He was in such a state, almost inconsolable. Took myself and his dad a good hour of chatting to him to calm him down.

There is a scheme in school called Place2be, and we mentioned chatting to the man who runs that, he is a counsellor of sorts I think, but he got panicked again, as he said he would rather talk to us as he trusts us, and the place2be guy he chats to but he mainly tells him jokes and said he wants to keep it at that sort of lvl, like he wants the place2be man to see him as happy smiley jokey, and not admit what he can be like. And we told him that was fine, and it is up to him, but I feel ill equipped to actually deal with it.

Have you seen the doctor about this? if you haven't start there, they will refer him to CAMHS. However, if you can afford it, try I would seek some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy privately. The sooner this type of brain process is nipped in the bud the better. The sooner he starts to talk it all out with someone ideally a professional the better.

Have not seen a GP, the panicking thing has always been there, and we have just seen it as part of him I think. Wrongly also I think.

It just seems to be escalating the last few months, with new worries on top.

Would a GP see me without him there?

He's young for that much anxiety. Do you think there's any chance he could be on the autistic spectrum? That can manifest as anxiety...

I really never thought so. It has not occurred to me before.

Most of the time he is is a very loving friendly child. Very empathetic. Tells me on a daily basis he loves me. Was an early talker. He is very articulate. Loves art, he can draw and draw. He could hold conversations with adults from a very early age, and often spoke "older" than he was. He is very animated when chatting and reading. The school have "used" him to read for visitors as he reads out loud with such expression and enthusiasm.

A few years back he was upset that he didn't have any friends at school, he joined at the end of year 1, and this was maybe in year 3 or so. So I chatted to him and asked what he did at school at play time, and he said I played with x, y, z. And so I said do you play with them often and he said yes, so i said to him, well then, that is what a friend is. He just didn't get it. And he does now play with other children, he has no best friend or set groups and moves from group to group, but at the same time sometimes he will say he was on his own as he was playing a game in his own head.

Oh and he can obsess over something, it used to be dinosaurs, now it is certain computer games, and will often say to me or his dad "do you want to have a chat" which is code for can I talk at you for the next hour telling you all the facts about my latest obsession. But that is just him and how he has always been.

He is just unable to cope AT ALL with being "in trouble"

He pretty much had a panic attack yesterday, we got off the train, we had got off last of our group, and he saw the others ahead a bit and panicked slightly to catch up and walked into a man. His dad said "oh, careful name" and he just started panicking, apologising, and almost like he was completely unable to cope, he then was in such a state he walked into a post, apologised again, and then that was it, he could not speak or barely breath. We spent 10 minutes stood outside tesco calming him down.

He has agreed to chat to the place2be counsellor, but wants us to talk to him first. So will start there and see how we go on.

Would a GP see me without him there?

Yes the GP will see you, they understand these types of situations. Make sure you explain when you book the appointment.

Just to add, its not unusual for children to not to have a best friend. Not all kids have best friends. My dc always played in a group and that group would change once in a while. Nothing wrong with that at all. The worrying bit is the anxiety whenever he does something wrong, so focus on that.

In general he is not hugely bothered, he says he is happy at school, he just got upset about the birthday thing, as his younger sister got invited to a birthday party.

But as I explained to him, he has never had a birthday party himself, as he tends to prefer to do things with the family, movie, or warner brother studios etc, and lots of boys are like that, whereas girls it seems tend to have bigger parties, with all the girls from the class.

The anxiety though is the main issue, yes. The way he reacts i don't understand. It is completely out of proportion to how we are as parents and how we DO react to things.

Bears, my son is on the autistic spectrum. Also has anxiety. Quite high functioning so must people are unaware, its not that obvious. He sounds just like your son. See if you can be referred for testing. There is a load of help you can access once you have a formal diagnosis. Can take some time to get though, it's a bit of a process

I’m an anxiety sufferer/ have panic disorder and for me it kicked in when I was 10/11, puberty age. I’ve had a lot of CBT over the years and been told it’s not uncommon to start up around puberty etc w hormones being a bit unbalanced. I was v like your son at that age (and still hate being in trouble/ quite sensitive). I would definitely nip in the bud. I have always harboured some resentment (unfairly, I know) that nothing was done despite some quite significant struggles (periods of acrophobia) until I was ending high school by which point the thinking had been set and it’s now something that I’ve had to manage on/ off for the past 30 years.

Maybe you could have a worry box he can put things in then have a time and a place to pull things out to discuss, showing him it is ok to talk about feelings. Also instead of dismissing when he says he never had a party, why not help him plan one or encourage him to invite friends round? Worth exploring possible ASD so he can find right strategies.

He does not want to see the GP yet.

I don't want to make him, especially not when he has said he trusts me and his dad to talk to.

I have bought him a book called " What to do When You Worry Too Much" which had some good reviews on Amazon.

Also, I am so proud of him, he has gone and seen the Place2be counsellor at school this week without us having to do so first.

So the counsellor is going to ring us tomorrow to chat, and start DS on some anxiety thing based around drawing. Not too sure about how it works but will ask the man tomorrow.

With regards to the party, it is not so much dismissing him, just that birthdays for us have always been family days or trips etc as that is what he wanted as opposed to a "party" so a lot of other boys are probably the same, when he was upset as he had never been invited to one. Although we did do a cinema trip 1 year and he invited 5 friends. It was more just saying to him that it seems boys don't have big class parties as much as girls seem to.

I was about to recommend that book! Hope it helps. My DS found it really worked for him.

I could have written this Op
My son is 10 and last night we had hours of him Crying, shaking and retching because 2 teachers spoke sharply to him.
School.have suggested camhs but I've heard bad things.
Tbh several.pretty awful.things have happened in the past 5 years and he has been t through a.lot.
Can anyone advise on CBT for kids?

He has had bereavement counselling
private 1-1 with a play based counsellor
Seen a paediatric consultant
Nutritionist
I just don't know what else to.do.

Is it best to see a Dr with ds or on my own?

Hopeful bump

Another one saying it could be high functioning autism. Take him to the GP yourself so you know what’s been said and what’s happening next.

With regard to existential angst there’s not much you can do about it. Your DS is around the age where the reality of life and death sinks in. Don’t just dismiss his concerns and tell him he’s being silly though - he’s obviously a deep thinker and the best approach is to explain that’s basically the human condition, perhaps get him some books on the subject and discuss his fears.

Hello all,

I have not updated for a bit. I have been started on sertraline myself.

DS seems to be doing better.

He is enjoying the sessions he is having at school with the place2be counsellor. It involves a lot of art therapy, and it seems to be helping.

I also got in touch with the Young Minds website and they have sent a lot of useful resources and places to contact.

So we seem to be on the right path at the moment for him. We are very much trying to take his lead on this. The main thing is he has said he will talk to me and his dad as he trusts us, and we want to keep that. So it is a balancing act between doing things at his pace, yet trying to encourage him to actually get involved and want to seek help.

I could have written this post. My 9yr old is the same. We have always known that he thinks deeper into things and tends to over react.
Up to now we deal with situations as they happen.
But in the last few months things have escalated, I cannot fathom why exactly, but now he refuses to go anywhere because he is so overwhelmed with fear.
I have always swung between thinking he needs help and then he will have a good week and I think oh he's just a sensitive child, he's fine.
Now though it's affecting every part of our day.
He is so terrified of getting into trouble in school that he refuses to go, locks himself in the bathroom, has panic attacks, feels sick in school, will be physically shaking and it's so sad to see him and no matter how much we reassure him nothing helps him.
He has never been in trouble in school, it's his fear.
We are waiting for cahms appointment now as life for our family has gotten so intense because of this.
In the mean time I am looking for a parenting course to help us deal with him because we don't know what the proper approach is.
It seems reassuring him feeds into his fears, he could talk about potentially getting in trouble and "what if" for hours on end. I don't want to brush off his worries either. I rationalise, I distract, I hug, I calm him but 5 minutes later he's back to "What if".

We have had similar issues with my 10 year old girl, especially with worrying. My daughter worries about terror attacks and someone breaking into our house. We have talked things through several times and we felt helpless. The someone recommended a book "What to do when you worry too much" by Dawn Huebner. It is absolutely brilliant, written in a way that your child can understand and lots of different coping mechanisms that both child and parents can use. We are getting their now and this book has helped massively. I cannot recommend this enough.

You may find this book useful "The misdiagnosis or dual diagnosis of the gifted child".

We are going to make an appointment with the GP - he has not wanted to - and we had worked though the book What to do When You Worry Too Much - plus he was seeing the place2be counsellor at school which helped for a short while.

However - it has not really improved - he is so hard on himself and myself and DH are struggling with it now, in how to deal with him.

He really did not want to go to the GP and I did not want to force him, so took a fair few weeks of gentle encouragement to get him to go.

I do worry that is it our fault. He is so smart and polite, everyone for years has said how smart he is, and is always the one at school that they chose to bring out when they have visitors etc....

It is too much - he hates the thought of being in trouble or anyone thinking badly of him. He does not find things like his SATS stressful and he did the 11+ and is going to grammar school, and again the test he did not find stressful - and he is ridiculously excited about starting big school.

He can just go from being so happy to so so so down and panicking and sobbing over the tiniest thing and is so hard on himself, calling himself an idiot and it is like his entire world is ending, and it takes me and his dad a good hour to calm him down and get him to think and react rationally. And it is out of the blue, no warning.

The other night he was in our room at midnight really upset and panicking, took us awhile to get it out of him but he was worrying about going to "big school" and what he would do if someone with a knife chased him!

Just to update - GP was useless!

He told us we were obviously coping as we could "calm him down" after 20 mins or so and asked if we had got in touch with the HV! I said no - since he was 11. So was told by GP to get in touch with HV.

Which I did - just to go through the steps - and obviously they only deal with under 5s. However she did advise me to get in touch with an organisation that we could self refer to.

So this we did by doing on an online referral. We got something back fairly quickly advising of a drop in service they provide in the city centre - although not formal counselling, but they do some support groups. And also information on a volunteer run counselling service which we also referred to.

Took about 6 months to hear back about the counselling - he had an assessment a couple of weeks ago - to assess his suitability and needs for counselling - and although nervous he really liked the counsellor - so now again on a waiting list for actual counselling - which should be no more than 6 weeks, as the service only offered 6 sessions over 6 weeks.

He has started senior school, and is enjoying it - made friends and likes most of his teachers.

He has issues around homework - in that I think he feels like it needs to be perfect and he puts too much pressure on himself.

He ended up missing a day of school a few weeks ago due to a panic attack over homework - it was the worst he has been - he was almost tearing at his hair, choking, retching.

We had had a little discussion with him form teacher earlier in the year about his anxiety but on the back of this we arranged a formal meeting with the pastoral lead.

They said as we thought - he generally keeps a lid on it at school - but there have been a couple of occasions where there has been a few small things happen at the end of school day - that have stacked up and overwhelmed him and he has pretty much sobbed all the way home on the train and to the house - so much so DH heard him from half way down the street and went out and almost had to carry him home. However school is very good, she had invited him to "mindfulness" groups she runs, and the school also has a counsellor - although he would have to go on the waiting list - but she thinks once he finishes his counselling we are waiting for, if he needs more - then by that time he will be able to move over to the school counsellor with almost no gap.

She is also going to discuss with his teachers/form teachers so they are aware too - and she is a named person who he can go to if he feels he needs to at school.

So feels like it has took a long time and we have had to almost fight for help - but I feel hopeful we are finally getting somewhere.

I am still a bit shocked and dismayed tbh though that it has took this long and GP was next to useless.