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Please help very upset

14 replies

Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 09:50

Hello,
Please be gentle, I'm extremely emotional and upset...

Feel at the end of my tether and don't know where to turn. Been having problems with DS age 5 since he started preschool but problems getting worse throughout reception and now in Y1 he's heading for permanent expulsion if his behaviour continues.
Started off in preschool as non compliance, hitting other children and not listening. Reception it escalated to more physical violence, non compliance and lashing out in anger. Now in Y1 he's basically out of control in class and the school are being very supportive of him and us and trying a variety of tactics /strategies. He's seeing an EP who said he's an intelligent and very capable boy but his emotional literacy is poor. He's very volatile and unpredictable and the slightest thing can set him off into a rage. When he's calm, he's a lovely, kind, empathic, caring boy. It's distressing to see how rapidly he can just flip. GP has referred him to Mental Health and we're also taking him for CBT which we're paying for privately ourselves.
So today, i walked him into class and he was happily chatting to me and other children. Gets into the class and starts swinging his coat around, hitting the other kids with it. I asked him not to as this would hurt someone. He then kicked me and then hit the teacher with his coat. All children stood watching him as well as some parents who were standing nearby. I felt very embarrassed. Then he said to me "don't go, stay mummy" and i said i had to go to work but would be back later. Then he screamed "I hate you, you ugly fat pig" in front of everyone. It fell silent and I just could have died. I quickly walked out and cried all the way back to the car.

He's a very much loved, well cared for boy. He wants for nothing and has a loving, stable home life. His dad and i dote on him as do grandparents etc. He's never been exposed to anything remotely violent or anything like that. Has a good diet, sleeps well. Very active and does extracurricular activities which he absolutely loves. We are just at a loss with how he is and what more can we do??? He was a good birthweight and developed well with no problems. Trying to think of absolutely anything that may be causing this.

He loves going to school and runs into class like a rocket to see his friends. I just don't know why today he suddenly flipped and started to be aggressive. God knows what the other parents think.
His teacher said he's quite dominating by nature and likes it all on his terms in class and if asked to do something he doesn't want to do he can blow up like a volcano. It seems like when the slightest pressure is applied to him in class he erupts. Although he is academically very able if he applied himself.

He's now on his 5th exclusion since March.
We love him endlessly so are desperate!!!
Any help or advice much appreciated!!!

OP posts:
bjs2310 · 01/11/2018 09:58

Hi, it sounds really tough and you are doing all the right things. Has anyone you have seen about him suggested pathological demand avoidance (pda)to you? If not might be worth a mention to the EP. Good luck he sounds like a lovely boy struggling to control his emotions.

Whitegrenache · 01/11/2018 10:00

When he swung his bag around and spoke to like that today - what did you do?
You say in your post he wants for nothing - is he spoilt and used to getting his own way therefore expecting this treatment at school?

I had a friend a few years ago who had this problem with her ds - it was obvious to a lot of observers that his behaviour was not being dealt with in an appropriate manner ( obviously parenting is different for everyone however) his mum was always very softly spoken to him and tried to talk to him rather than tell him off- she also never followed through with her threats

If my ds has been acting like this I would
Have got down on his level and spoken to him in a loud harsh voice that it wasn't acceptable behaviour and to make him apologise and set rules and consequences

I am in now way a perfect parent btw!!

carpetrunner · 01/11/2018 10:09

What kind of discipline do you have in place at home if he doesn’t behave well?

There was no mention of how you discipline him in your OP and that made me wonder if your techniques might be contributing to his problems.

Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 10:10

Hello and thanks
@BJS, PDA does fit with him, I've just googled the symptoms.. I will definitely mention this to the school and EP. It's definitely his emotions that are the root of it!!

OP posts:
quarterpast · 01/11/2018 10:11

Agree- when your DS insulted you, that was your moment to demonstrate to him that behaviour like that will not be tolerated, in public or otherwise. Loud firm voice from you OP, look him in the eye and tell him his language is totally unacceptable and insist on an immediate apology.

He sounds like he has the upper hand at the moment and that is not doing him any favours.

Disclaimer- obviously this only applies if child is NT with no additional needs.

bjs2310 · 01/11/2018 10:19

Pleased it was helpful. If he does have PDA then it was probably the demand to stop swinging his coat that triggered it. Next time offer him a choice, "shall we put your coat on the hook or in your bag?" Both options acceptable to you but no demand. I know it sounds soft to others but it's an anxiety driven disorder and increasing the anxiety by increasing the demands by getting cross won't help. All the best for your son, hope you get some answers to help him soon.

Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 10:21

Hello Whitegrenache,
When he swung it round i said firmly "Stop, that's dangerous and will hurt somebody" i bent down to him to speak as i felt he would listen better. I didn't want to raise my voice too much as there were other children present and in the heat of the moment, I didn't want to disrupt the start of the teacher's lesson. I thought that if I shouted it may make things worse. It's hard when there are several people watching and you feel on the spot. I removed his coat and bag from him though so he couldn't continue to hurt people.
Sorry forgot to mention about discipline at home, i got a bit carried away in my OP. We've tried everything, treats withdrawn, been made to miss out on football class, swimming etc. Not been allowed to attend birthday parties as a sanction for poor behaviour. I wouldn't say he's spoilt and don't give in to him. I meant to illustrate in my OP that he wants for nothing in the way that he's provided for and we're good parents.
Thank you though, i will definitely review how we deal with his behaviour at home and see id there are any other tactics we can use which would be more effective. Just find it so hard!

OP posts:
PrivateParkin · 01/11/2018 10:28

Have you read The Explosive Child OP?

Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 10:30

Hello quarterpast,
He's currently being assessed and ishaving support from other agencies so we don't know as yet which particular SEN he has but we have been told it is most likely some form of autism. The EP will be doing more work with him and also the CBT lady we are seeing. I have to admit that this morning in the classroom i became very flustered and embarrassed and just walked away. In my mind at the time, i thought that if i aggravated him even more, it would create a rod for the poor teachers back as then she'd have to deal with him and the ensuing anger. I didn't handle ot properly this morning, i know.
If he ever says unkind things about people I always firmly remind him that this could hurt feelings and when he's calm he can rationalise it and acknowledge that his behaviour was unkind and more often than not will apologise without being prompted.
What worries me is that he can so rapidly flip from being lovely to being very unpleasant.

OP posts:
Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 10:32

Carpet runner,
Thank you. I've tried many things at home. Do you have any other suggestions please? We've had reward charts, withdrawal of privileges, toys removed. At a loss as to what else?

OP posts:
Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 10:33

Private parking, no I've not read that but sounds like a great idea, I'll Google it! Thank you

OP posts:
Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 10:35

I think because I was in the classroom at the time I waa unsure how to react as I didn't want him completely exploding in front of everyone else and then creating more hassle for the teacher leaving him like that for her to deal with

OP posts:
PrivateParkin · 01/11/2018 10:37

"Kids do well when they can" is the main thrust of that book I mentioned OP. It's about "lagging" skills whereby some kids have not developed in certain areas emotionally - eg having the maturity to respond to changes of plan, new demands etc. It's really worth a look imo if you haven't seen it before. You still have to set boundaries obviously but it's about taking a different approach to doing this.

Feelalone85 · 01/11/2018 11:13

Thank you Private parkin, I will look into that for sure! Sounds like it would be a very good help for us

OP posts:
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