5yo wants to die to see Nanny in heaven

[KatyJ110]

Hi,

I'm hoping to get some help as I have no idea what to say to my daughter - I have been seeking professional counselling for her, but there's a lot of waiting lists and answering machines, and I'd like to try and help her as much as I can in the meantime.

My daughter was very close to my mum (her Nanny), who died recently on 4th October following a short fight with leukemia. I thought she was dealing well with the bereavement, she's been back to school, is eating well, mostly sleeping well. There's the odd tantrum or moment of sadness, but generally she's been okay.

However, I picked her up from holiday club yesterday, and she said that she wants to die so she can see Nanny again, and that she's tried to strangle herself to achieve this. I've said previously that Nanny will be watching over her, and she asked if she stepped out in the road and a car was going to squish her, would Nanny help. I told her yes, Nanny would keep her safe, but now I'm worried that she'll step in front of a car so that Nanny will rescue her!

I've told her that everyone loves her and would be very sad if she died, and I'd miss her cuddles as much as she misses Nanny's cuddles. I don't want her to feel guilty about saying those things to me though, as she doesn't normally talk to me much! I've said it's normal to feel sad and to miss someone who's died, and she responded with 'my head feels wrong'.

Any guidance as to what to say to her about these feelings would be much appreciated.

Thank you!

Where in the country are you? Bereavement counselling for children is extremely beneficial and helps v young children to separate out confusing and woolly ideas about heaven and being looked after. While comforting for adults, these notions can be very difficult for a child this age to process.

And I really should have offered you my sincere condolences. Are you getting enough support too?

Agree with counselling if it's really bad.

Also, have you read any books? There are some good ones. Or Moana also shows a grandmother who dies and her spirit remains to help her, similarly with Lion King.

If you are happy with her believing in Heaven, you could tell her that she will eventually see nanny in Heaven, but not for a long time. And thst if she went to Heaven now, she could never come back to see mummy or daddy or friends or pets, so she's better off here where lots of people love her. But you can buy a big flower in a pot or a special soft toy (if you had the money you could go to Build a bear and make a nanny memory bear with clothes and accessories that remind her, and a voice message and heart) as a memorial to nanny. Whenever she wants to talk to nanny, she can talk to the flower or the bear, and Nanny will hear her.
It's not perfect but there's no ideal way to deal with bereavement Transference is about the best bet I've found.

Forgive me but is this your belief system, heaven and being 'watched over' and so forth? If so then obviously its for you to decide how to share that with your child, but if not there is some evidence to suggest that children don't actually benefit from blurry lines around death - Bowlby in the 1960s began arguing that children undergo a grief process much like adults, and that reassurances which muddy the waters around the death of the person, while well meaning, can disrupt that process.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and for your daughter's. If you can bear it correcting some of the ideas she's got around nanny being literally within reaching distance may help. It will likely bring out some more profound distress in the short term, but it should help her grief progress more naturally from here onwards.

If this is an issue of faith for you, then I would guess your religious leader may be able to help?

Either way, good luck x

@ShowofHands I'm in West Berkshire. I've contacted a few local bereavement charities and am waiting on responses, and she has a support worker at school she can talk to but not until next week.

Thank you, I have a big, close family and a lovely partner so I'm supported. I'm just worried for my daughter really.

@Stuckforthefourthtime We've read some books together, but I hadn't thought about films - that's a fantastic idea thank you :)

@OneStepMoreFun @CautiouslyPessimistic thank you for your replies :)

She believes in Heaven and somewhat in God as a family friend is a devout Christian, and a few members of my family have some faith. We've said everyone wants her to stay with us, and she'll always have Mummy, she didn't really reply to that but seemed to be considering it - I don't think she'd thought about the effect on other people, but again I don't want her to feel bad or guilty. It's tough because they were so close and I think she would prefer to have only Nanny rather than the rest of the family.

We're going to do a Build a Bear and put some of Nanny's ashes inside :)

Possibly having a proper chat about Heaven/angels/spirits again and trying to clear some blurred lines would be beneficial, thank you for that advice. I'll write some things down to go over with her and stick to it

I’m afraid I wouldn’t say or reinforce the idea that Nanny would come & keep her safe if she died/stepped in front of a car etc. It’s too risky.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Did you live with your mum or did your DD spend a lot of time with her - after school etc? It’s possible that you might need to temporarily change your work hours for a while, would that be possible?

Poor you and poor her.

My daughter teaches Reception and she said that the 'watching over you' can be very distressing for young children. They also sometimes assume that the person watching them will stop bad things happening (falling off swings and other 4/5 y/o disasters) and can become angry with the person when they fall off. They worry that the watching can mean the deceased person is unhappy when the children do bad things (usual 4/5 things) and get angry with them. This stage usually passes fairly quickly unless the person who died is very, very close to them.

It's dodgy to teach your child that her grandmother is watching over her because, even if that is true, no religion teaches that the dead influences what goes on in lives of those still here.

What her nanny would want for her is for her to grow up and have a happy life.

It is sad. I hope you receive some proper help from bereavement counsellors.

Glad it was helpful :) I suppose it's about trying to hold a line between 'this is what we believe and how we try to keep the dead with us', and 'this is what's actually realistically possible and safe for you to get your head around at this age'.

I'd possibly be starting with something like 'when people die they really are somewhere else, and it's not possible for us to get to them or them to get to us, but we believe that one day we will see them again and we hope that if we talk to them they can hear us. It is really sad to not be able to reach them like we could before, and it's ok for us all to be sad about that - I'm sad about it too - but let's think about some ways we can remember how much we loved her so that one day, in a long long time, when we see her again she'll know how much we missed her'.

I'm an atheist though so from a spiritual pov that's very much a first attempt! Hope it's a useful starting point for you.