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Child mental health

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11 yr old daughter anger issues

9 replies

Juliet1969 · 29/08/2018 00:47

I am really struggling with my daughters anger issues. At school she is compliant and described as an angel. At home she really struggles when I go out. At home she has me, her dad and her 15 year old brother. Her anger is directed to me if decide to go out spontaneously or sometimes when she has been given warning days of weeks in advance that I am going out she will see red with rage and will be so physically and mentally abusive with any carer be it her dad, brother, family or friends that I am afraid to leave her with anyone.

Has anyone experienced this before and can offer me any advice?

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Pinkandproud · 29/08/2018 00:50

How is her relationship with her dad, brother and you the rest of the time? Why does she say she doesn’t like it when you go out?

Juliet1969 · 29/08/2018 01:03

Her relationship with us is fine and she is from a secure loving family.

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Juliet1969 · 29/08/2018 01:06

She gives various reasons about me going out.. she is scared something is going to happen to me, she thinks she is missing out FOMO! She did have some counselling and it came to light that she is worried about me but the counsellor explained it is an irrational fear but despite all that she gets so angry x

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ShovingLeopard · 29/08/2018 01:15

Did anything ever happen where you didn't come back, or she thought you wouldn't? Or did something happen to someone she knows, or even did she watch anything that could have sparked a fear that you might leave and not come back, or that something might happen to you to prevent you returning?

Pinkandproud · 29/08/2018 01:22

I think she may need some more counselling and professional help. I would go to the GP. It may be an irrational fear but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying for her.

How do you react when she’s angry? What kind of things does she do and say?

Juliet1969 · 29/08/2018 01:29

Hi Pinkandproud... I think you are right. I try to keep calm when she is angry but with the best will in the world I sometimes get angry. The last time I went out she went in the bathroom and threw my make up over the floor and my clothes on the ground. My husband really struggles to deal with it and gives in to her which results in me not being able to go out.

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Juliet1969 · 29/08/2018 01:40

Hi ShovingLeopard,
If I go out in London she worries about recent attacks that have taken place but mostly I go out locally which is outside London. I can't think of anything that has built that fear in her. It only happens when I go out not my husband.

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ShovingLeopard · 29/08/2018 11:11

It sounds like the previous counselling did not fully get to the root of the problem, or successfully resolve it. Some sensitive children can be very affected by events that seem remote to us. This could have been triggered by something like hearing that a mother was killed in a terrorist attack in London, for example (just to give one possible explanation. Of course it could be something quite different).

The problem is, sometimes, that although the chances of something happening to you on each occasion you leave are very very low, the risk is not zero. This can be very hard to handle for some people - the fact that there is any chance at all - however remote - of anything happening can be enough to make it extremely hard for them to let go of the anxiety.

I would suggest further therapy, with an experienced children's psychotherapist (rather than a counsellor -look for somebody UKCP accredited) to tease out exactly what it is that is bothering her. Nameless fears cannot be resolved, she will need help to bring them to consciousness, so she can deal with them properly. It could be that at the moment her mind is pushing the detail of her fears out of consciousness, in a misguided attempt to protect her/avoid the anxiety. Unfortunately, this is an unproductive strategy.

I can imagine this is very tough for you, and I realise how frustrating it can be. If you can possibly avoid reacting with anger, however, it would be helpful, as it will make things worse if she feels you don't understand, and are punishing her for being anxious. I know it is very hard, though. I would not, however, allow her to stop you from going out, as this will just entrench the anxiety further. She needs to see you going out repeatedly, and coming back fine.

Hope you get some movement on this soon.

Juliet1969 · 29/08/2018 14:17

Hi ShovingLeopard, you are absolutely right, the counselling only scratched the surface and she was told her fear was irrational and not to get anxious. My friends who have witnessed her anger have put it down to her being controlling and manipulative and think I should punish her but I am concerned it could do more harm than good if it is something in her unconscious mind that triggers that behaviour. Thank you so much for your advice, I will look for a psychotherapist in my area.

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