Does anyone else live with a dc who has attempted suicide - I’m struggling to cope!

[onlyoranges]

Just reaching out for support and some lived experience really. My dc attempted suicide last year and has had ups and downs since. I can tell he is going down now. I feel scared all the time. I have had a career break and was thinking of returning to work in September but feel I can’t in case things go wrong. My younger brother killed himself three years ago and it was truly horrific, as was my dcs attempted suicide. Is there anyone around who’s been through this as I am really struggling.

I am not going through this. I have an inkling though as I have a dd with severe anxiety and it does take over everything. I just really for you. xxx

No personal experience but I have a friend who lost her child to suicide and another who is in the same position as you. I don't think there is any getting past it tbh. It's the most terrible thing. Do you have somebody to talk to in rl? Will your child seek help, do you think they are aware they aren't doing so well just now?

If your child is going through CAMHS, ask for a carer's assessment. It is purely for CAMHS so they will have experience of this, and can point you in the direction of groups etc.

I have bipolar so know about this from both directions. And I have had someone close kill themselves. A long time ago now.

I really feel for you. Don't be scared to talk about it to people you know and get support. Sharing a problem like this does help, even though it can't improve the situation: it stops you feeling like you are imploding xxx

I have been going through this for over two years (although things are slowly getting better and I'm hoping will continue to).
My understanding is that you can't have a carer's assessment until the child turns 18. However there may well be a parent support group in your area. Depending on resources CAMHS may provide family therapy/parent support. PM me if you want more detailed information or just to talk.

A carer's assessment from CAMHS to provide support for you, the parent. It is not financial. Just somebody to understand what you are going through. Made a real difference to me.

Thanks so much everyone. He has disengaged from services and is 19 anyway. At first we were really worried about that but our experience with MH services wasn’t great. He’s has counselling but it didn’t really do much. He didn’t connect with a counsellor then didn’t want to go back. It’s funny when people talk about a carers assessment, I don’t feel like a carer, just his Mum.

I know about the carer thing, but that is why it was helpful: because it was about being a mum constantly worrying and having no actual control over the situation because it is in the hands of the child you are worrying about.

Has he got a diagnosis of anything?

oranges I wouldn't class it as attempted suicide but dd was self harming with small od's. After a presentation to A&E she was referred back into CAMHS who did nothing helpful at all. A,E wanted her admitted with a 1:1 nurse (very threatening) and CAMHS provided counselling, mediocre, three months later.

By then she already had a consultant psychiatrist privately. Her own psychiatrist had started fluoxetine and therapy and organised more counselling. She also completed an ADHD assessment and diagnosed ADD which is now treated by ritalin.

The root of dd's problems was an undiagnosed neuro developmental disability. CAMHS I don't think would have reached this point and indeed closed her case after the first ounselling session with one phone call between the initial assessment and their counselling.

As a parent you have to be very persistent to secure any MH support. I would follow up every appointment with a written note if agreed action points and time frames and ensure there is a clear audit trail, ie, send by tracked mail. Otherwise they rely on patients and carers misunderstanding.

It's bloody awful so good luck and kind thoughts.

Please try another counsellor - any good one would be happy to see him free to see if they 'connect'
Keep looking until the right one can help

Thanks so much for your replies. He has seen a psych privately who was great. He actually predicted his suicide attempt which the NHS had dismissed but he won’t see anyone now. My brother committed suicide 3 years ago which I think is heightening my fear and possibly affecting my judgement although my dh is very scared too. He just seems so fragile, things that don’t affect other people really knock his confidence. He’s always been a kind, sensitive soul and life just seems to bash him around. My dh and I have both asked and asked he sees someone but if someone says no what do you do then? We work hard at keeping communication going and we see signs better than we did but I am still scared we will miss something. I am just so frightened. Thanks again for your replies really appreciated and I am sorry for those of you who are going through or have been through something similar.

OH I so feel for you... this could have described DD15:

He just seems so fragile, things that don’t affect other people really knock his confidence. He’s always been a kind, sensitive soul and life just seems to bash him around.

She has had one attempt - terrifyingly young, aged 11 - and has been at risk 4-5 times, each time for 5-12 weeks, and then super fragile afterwards .... and so vulnerable we know she could dip at any time

to you....

I don't really know what I can say to help - emotionally, it feels as if we live in a different world to other parents and it has helped me to talk to two other mums, both friends, who live with similar issues... and to dear friends who are therapists/counsellors/etc.... I definitely see myself as needing a bit of support from a few people who can't so much provide practical advice as a listening and sympathetic ear

IT IS SO BLOODY TOUGH

Other things - and I almost don't dare say them as they seem so fragile - we now have a very close relationship with DD because of this, and she sees the two of us as fighting for her when the world is too tough... and she knows we are looking for answers, and are convinced life will become easier for her once we find something that works, we just don't know when.... She has also, and I know this is not worth the paper it is written on, but it does feel like another flimsy layer in an unstable house... has an agreement with us not to kill herself before a certain age

DD is clear that we are the reason she is still alive - including the pain it would cause her if she left... and we have not held back on that - a close relative who is a GP and themselves vulnerable has told us this was the most powerful thing anyone did for them, was talk them through the consequences if they committed suicide - literally talking them through each person who would be affected and how.... So we do.

We also got a dog - who can reach DD in her blackest moments when the rest of us can't We knew when we got him, that he might be the only thing that stood between our DD and death... and it was the reason we did. We have never regretted doing so - he is not a miracle worker but does provide another connection to the world.

My son tried to take his own life last week after being bullied verbally and physically at high school. He is just 13. It’s a big worry that he will do it again. I’m finding it hard to function and can not tell many people about it.

OP I hope you can get some clarity and support with your next steps. It sounds as though things are really tough.

We’re waiting for CAMHS to get back to us after his initial assessment-it’s been a week now and we have been promised some support but nothing has materialised yet. We haven’t even seen a copy of his initial CAMHS assessment which they said they’d send.

This post has been helpful to know I’m not alone. I hope you all get the help you need to get through. Thank you for the idea of talking through with our dc’s what it would be like for us if they had succeeded.