How would you react to this

[iwonderwhat]

An hour or so ago, a 21-year old (who is fairly new to the family scene) without my knowledge phoned for an ambulance - later cancelled - and is currently taking my DS to A&E due to concerns over his mental health. DH has actually doing the driving but I've been "told" to stay here as DS doesn't want me with him.

Part of me is furious that she didn't come and talk to me first; part of me is suspicious that she may be stirring things up; another part wonders if this might finally be the help he needs.

DS undoubtedly struggles with some issues and I've tried hard to get him some proper help in the past; someone from CAHMS visited once about 4 years ago but refused to take him on and basically brushed us aside. The GP dismissed him as being a "bit naughty". He's not naughty. He's complex and difficult to manage/help sometimes but he's not naughty at all; in fact he's just had the most amazing school report ... but I realise that he wears a mask at school and hides his "troubled" side from them.

I feel so utterly useless and a total failure as his mother.

How old I your DS? Who is the 21 year old? Persumably your DH agrees he needs to go to hospital otherwise he wouldn't be driving him there.

DS is 13. The 21-year old is the girlfriend [GF from now on] of older DS. Who knows what DH thinks about anything? He usually just buries his head in the sand and doesn't deal with anything. He really didn't want to go but it had already been established that DS doesn't want me there so I pointed out that he is a parent too and DS needs a parent with him. GF looked horrified that he didn't plan to go and said something to encourage him.

Apparently they are waiting to be seen by a nurse and GF promises to keep me informed.

She can't just take him for medical at the room can she? Is she a doctor, or health carw professional?

Sometimes it's easier for teens to talk to almost anyone other than their parents. Partly cause it just is, and partly cause they want to protect parents from just how low they're feeling.
Try not to take it personally.

Either GF is overeacting, in which case they'll not get a lot of attention at Aand E, or he's expressed a worryingly low mood, to her, in which case A and E might take some notice.

And yes, like GF, I'd be pretty horrified if a parent was present but not planning to accompany your son. But some men are great avoiders. That's a matter for another day.

This must a worrying and distressing time for you. I'm sorry you and your son are going through this.
Easy to say, but try to keep as calm as you can, and focus on your son's needs. Who else did what, and whether they should have, is a tiny peripheral concern.

Hope you get some encouraging news soon.

Calmness, openness, lack of blame that's what will help your son open up to you.
Why didn't you talk to me -although of course it's what you're feeling - will not help open that channel of communication.
And you haven't failed, and you didn't cause this.

I'm sorry if this sounds preachy. Really wishing all the best for you.

A and E will not deal with the girlfriend as she is not a guardian for your son. They will only deal with a parent ie your dh. However I would not be pleased that a 21 year old is the one driving this. I think when they do get home you will need to discuss with her what her role in the family is.

I wonder if as a family you have become so used to his behaviour that it has sort of normalised in your eyes.and maybe it took a relative newcomer to look at the situation and see just how serious it is. I doubt a 21 year old would be spending their Sunday taking a reluctant teenager and their reluctant parent to A&E unless she thought it was really necessary.

Thank you, DancingLedge - I take on board what you say.

I agree that A&E will spot time-wasters. Clearly DS has been saying some pretty worrying things to older DS and GF and maybe her taking the lead will actually get us somewhere this time. When I've tried in the past, I just get brushed off.

Goodness only know if they'll get anything useful out of DH (who will be terribly polite and play it all down).

The feeling of uselessness is awful. All these years of trying to help DS in so many different ways has been futile. The irony is that, just this morning, I thought he seemed a bit "better" and brighter/happier the last few days or so and the angry outbursts have diminished quite a bit. Clearly though, he is in the depths of misery and I seem to have caused it.

ineedamoreadultieradult - you could have a point! But I find it frustrating that all the things she has heard have been reported to the GP on numerous occasions and the "professionals" have chosen to ignore it all.

You haven't caused it OP. If he's sick he needs help, and I know that you will want him to get that help.

Hope it works out - and that the GF is actually a responsible adult who is genuine in her desire to get DS well again.

OP, my DS "hated" me at that age and would do nothing with me. To be honest I wish someone like the GF you mention, would step up and do that for my DS now, as he is now 20, still hates me, is miserable, lonely and lost, can't or won't do anything for himself, is hugely enabled by his DF (who I live with) and I see my lovely DS in a cycle of depression which no one is helping him with

It may well be that he told the GF he was suicidal for example.

Sit tight. You are unlikely to have done anything horrendous to have caused your DS to be like this. I think boys just take for ever to grow up these days.

Perhaps this will help....
and I am not being unpleasant (and I sadly have lots of mental health experience which a teen which led to a long section) but our children aren't our property. However help is sought and gained its better than not at all.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

iwonderwhat believe me, you have not caused it. You're a caring mother, so of course your first thought is in what way have I failed, how have I not prevented this from happening. Mother's feel this, when teens have mental health problems, when babies have meningitis, even when children break a leg. It's natural, and it's wrong, We do not cause illness in our children.

It must be agonising to be told he doesn't choose for you to be there. But there are all kinds of reasons- protecting you, or finding it difficult to deal with your distress.
Right now, the important thing is that he's opening up to someone. That is so valuable.

Don't blame yourself for feeling that if only you could have wrangled better help for him earlier, things would be better. The whole area of Children &teen mental health is difficult and underfunded and shit. And occasionally great. That's not your fault.You tried.

Thank you, everyone. And wannabe is right - DS is not "mine" but I want to help him so much. That poem ["On Children"?] by Khalil Gibrain is so right but it's really hard to just be sitting here waiting doing nothing.

Poor DS has been through cancer when he was younger and we nearly lost him because the **ing doctors wouldn't listen to me then. To see him suffering so badly again all these years is just heartbreaking.

Buckingfrolicks - yes, he has said those sort of things to DS1 and GF. I'm so sorry that you and your DS are going through such difficult issues as well.

You've all been very kind and supportive and I really appreciate your input. I don't want to be having these conversations with people who know us at this stage.

Update: they have just left the hospital with the recommendation that we go to the GP for further help. I'm not sure how "further" is relevant. It feels to me as if we are back to the drawing board.

Not completely back to the drawing board, not by any means.
The GP now has an event to mark, to listen to.

Tell him you love him.
GP tomorrow.

Young minds helpline for you - they can be so helpful. They may have some online support for DS. youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/

And remember that thing about putting your own oxygen mask on, in a plane, before sorting your children? Feels so wrong, but it's so necessary. The kindest thing anyone did when my DC was in CAMBS and in crisis, was to say, firmly but kindly, you need to find yourself some counselling, so that you can keep afloat and help them. It was like a weekly opportunity to dump a load of difficult feelings, and come out ready for the next week.

My heart goes out to you.

My DCs story s currently better than I dared to hope.I only mention in case it helps. Adolescence is such shit anyway, once that stuff is past they can learn to cope with their own particular stuff, and flourish.

Keep coming back and venting here, you're not alone.

Thank you, DancingLedge. Whilst they were at the hospital I sent a message to the GF to tell DS that he is loved, that he can say whatever he needs to say to the doctor and that he needs and deserves the help they offer.

In looking for reasons, it's so hard not to get caught up in blame and guilt. I feel so low and miserable this evening and I'm questioning everything about my parenting "skills". Young Minds is a good resource so I'll have another look.

I'm delighted for you and your DC that your situation is so much better. I hope s/he continues to thrive.

Can't imagine how we're going to get through this week as DS is in a local am dram production and I'm heavily involved behind the scenes. Hopefully it will be a bit of a distraction for DS.