Hi all, sorry to jump in without an introduction! I don’t know where else to turn to at the moment, just looking for some advice/reassurance/ others with similar experiences..

My son is 9yrs old and is saying / doing some concerning things and I don’t know why. I am going to just give some examples sporadically as I remember them, so please do give me your honest opinion on what you think may be happening.

My son has said he wants to kill himself, on more than one occasion. He says it in such a calm way as if it’s nothing. He says he wouldn’t care if he died and he’s stupid and dumb etc. He mostly says these things when he has been a bit poorly behaved, when he’s been disciplined, or if he can’t do something, or makes a mistake, but sometimes it can be completely off the cuff, and random... I noticed he had bitten himself a couple of times (well, more of a love bite thing, where he’s sucked his skin to make it go red). He used to smack himself in the face when he was younger but seems to have grown out of that now. He is quite a defiant kid, cocky, has no respect for adults (mostly women). He will push and push and can be quite cruel in things he says.

At school I am always seeing his teacher as he is so rude and disruptive. He likes to make people laugh. He has been violent to other children in thand class too. Currently the school have him
on a behaviour programme as he is quite hard to handle (was better when he had a male teacher though). But they are really supportive.

What I find strange (and so do others inc his teachers) is that he can change from being so so wonderful, calm, and sweet, to the most angriest meanest little boy. The school have noticed be is very insecure, has really low self esteem, and always criticises himself. He always seems to want to impress people too. He gets angry and self destructive if he ‘fails’ at something, often breaking/smashing whatever it is, or refusing to do something in case he can’t do it / fails. The strange thing is he can come across quite confident and makes friends easily but then they seem to distance themselves after a short while, they stop knocking for him / make excuses not to come out. He doesn’t come across awkward (as I did suspect some kind of Asperger or something...) but not sure he fits with that? Although he does seem to have a lack of empathy. He loves animals though, he is so calm and affectionate with dogs and cats especially.

One of the most worrying things though which in fact triggered me to post on here, is that I noticed on his iPad he is sending messages to people saying “if you reply to this message then I’m going to kill myself” or “I will suck my ”. It completely shocked me!! I didn’t even think he knew those kind of words.. it has really scared me.

Both myself and his dad have suffered anxiety and depression in the past. But not this young. Most of the time he comes across as like a normal kid, he often plays well with others and is fine playing alone too. He does have quite selfish tendencies though. He will always jump a queue and hates being last. He just gets so angry so easily about silly things!

I’ve tried to talk to him but he doesn’t seem to want to engage. I sometimes question whether he hates me or I’m not good enough as a mum to him, but then at night I will always lay with him for ten or fifteen mins, just cuddle up to him, even when he’s been challenging, and he seems to love this time. He seems to be totally calm and at peace, he holds my hand or cuddles right into me. Says I love you so much mummy etc. I have tried to use this calm time to discuss anything that’s worrying him or ask him to explain how he’s feeling when he says or does certain things. He just says I don’t know. I have explained the seriousness of saying about killing your self and it is not something to joke about. I’m not sure whether he understands suicide or not. He knows you die but I don’t think he truly gets the decertify of it.

When hes having a flare and I try to discipline him
he just says I don’t care. (He says I don’t care to pretty much everything I say). He will also punish himself to also punish others, so you can never seem to get any ‘leverage’ with him - (i.e. if this behaviour continues then we will have to leave). He just says go on then. Do it. I don’t care. Nothing I say seems to bother him. Hes never been violent to me but does get in my face sometimes. It’s starting to cause a lot of friction in the family and I don’t know what to do :-(

Of course, I am careful to just label him with some mental illness but there is definitely something not right. Me and his dad haven’t been together since he was a year old as his dad was an abusive, former drug addict, and a massive control freak, but he’s a good dad to him now. We don’t speak too much though as he caused me a lot of pain when we were together so we only speak when doing collection and drop off briefly. His dad doesn’t seem to think there is anything Wrong with him at all and tells me I should stop being so paranoid, then blames me for letting him use the internet which is “obviously where he’s getting all of this from”...! He doesn’t work with the school either, he thinks the teachers don’t like him and “have it in for him”. If he’s violent in school, he will punish him when he’s back home but when he’s at school he will stand there and blame the teacher for not watching him or monitoring the children, and even says a kid must have wound him up. He is a problematic person in my sons life but it’s his dad and he adores him. I have tried to tell social services but they don’t seem interested unless there is suspected neglect or abuse involved. And because he seems like a normal kid when you meet him they didn’t think there was any concern, and just implied he was going through a typical boy phase.

Anyway , sorry to go on, I know a lot of kids say and do some weird things sometimes and he’s my only child so I don’t really have any experience of what’s considered normal / not normal (I’m just basing it on common sense..!), but I am starting to think there might be something wrong with him maybe, which I can seek help / treatment for.

Should I be worried? Does any of this seem like Aspergers or anything like that?

Thanks
Chanel xxxx